"How can I ever trust him/her again?” 
 
 Client after client pleads this after discovering hurtful deceits by their beloved. What they are really asking is: "How can I ever be 100% sure that my partner won't ever do this again?"
 
 The honest answer is: you can't. In fact, you never could.
 
 You can never be absolutely sure that your partner will never ever be deceitful or hurt you in some way.
 
The very definition of ‘trust’ is ‘not knowing’. 

Trust is being OK with the not knowing. If you were 100% sure of something you wouldn’t need to ‘trust’. You don’t need to ‘trust’ that the sun will rise each morning; you just know it will. It’s only when you can't be sure, that trust comes in, trust must come in. We trust our partners to be honest and not deceive us due to the fact that we can’t be 100% sure that they won’t. Of course, that doesn't make it any easier when our partner is deceitful in some way. It hurts! But does that mean they are a terrible person, and you shouldn’t be with them? Maybe, but not necessarily. At the very least they’ve shown you that they are human, that they are fallible. They’ve shown you that like all of us, they are not perfect.
 
 So, the question you really need to ask is actually: “Can I be OK with the fact that my partner is not perfect and has hurt me?”
 
 It’s not an easy question, and the answer might well be a definite “No”.
 
 If the answer is “Yes”, or “Maybe” or “I’d like to be OK with it”, then you can jointly work to uncover what was behind the deceit and make changes to be able to move forward and avoid it happening again.
 
 In my experience, these hurts often occur because there is a lack of true honesty in the relationship, one or both partners is trying to be something they’re not, or putting up with something they increasingly can’t bear, but don't feel they can share with their partner.
 
 So, the healing comes with radical honesty. You need to learn to be completely honest about how you’re feeling and what’s going on for you, and you have to learn to be able to hear that from your partner without judgment.
 
 Ideally you learn this before a crisis sets in, but humans being human we often don’t realise there is a problem until something major happens. By working through this together, increasing the honesty and non-judgment on both partners’ sides, you grow as individuals and build maturity and resilience into your relationship.
 
 The greater the heartfelt openness and honesty there is in a relationship, the less likely there is a need for deceit, and the easier it is to trust, to be OK with the not knowing. 

 When things get tough, couples tend to either: 

• Separate, generally accompanied by bitter and twisted feelings or
• Put up with it and flat-line, living lives of quiet desperation.

It’s far better to go with option three: 

• Renegotiate your relationship.

Often when the relationship is not going smoothly, it’s because you’re trying to live by an out-dated ‘contract’. When you got together you had certain beliefs and expectations around your relationship. Chances are you didn’t even fully share those beliefs and expectations; you just assumed your partner would share them.
 
 Whether your beliefs and expectations at that time were mutual or not, over time your circumstances inevitably change, you change, and therefore the relationship needs to change. That original ‘contract’ needs to be updated.
 
 So often I see that people are trying to live by values and norms that simply don’t suit them any more (and possibly never did): people getting married for the wrong reasons, people absorbing the norms of the society around them without ever questioning whether they really agree with them or not, people assuming that marriage or a relationship means X-Y-Z.
 
 There’s nothing wrong with this, we generally do what we think is right at the time. But when we get to a point where we realise it is no longer right for us, then we need to speak up and do something about it.
 
 In the case of a relationship, that means we need to renegotiate. That requires communication, honesty, respect, and time.
 
 Ask yourself: 

• What do I need in this relationship now?
• What’s missing or lacking?
• How could that lack be filled?

Then share this with your partner. Put your cards on the table. Only then can you see what you’re working with, and negotiate something mutually beneficial, something mutually wonderful.
 
 The two keys to this process are to be honest, and to be open-minded. You need to be honest so you know what’s going on, and you need to be open-minded so that you can be creative and come up with good solutions. Your decisions about your life and your relationship must be what is right for you, as an individual and as a couple. Your decisions can’t be based on what was right for you years ago, or what your parents’ relationship was like, or what your community or culture claims is right, or anything really, other than what is right for you.
 
 This can take experimentation to find ways of being and relating that work. Look at your work life, your home life, your social life, your private time together, your private time alone - what type, how much, how long. When you look at your relationship, and your life, this thoroughly you’ll be amazed at what you’ve assumed, or taken for granted. It’s only when you really look at it in detail that you can start to mould and create something wonderful. 

I often find that people are surprised at the breadth of sexuality I encourage. As with so much of our society, we tend to categorize and label others and ourselves. What I do can’t be labeled in this way. I’m not just ‘tantric’ or ‘kinky’ or ‘raunchy’ or ‘clinical’ or whatever – I’m all of them, and more.
 
I believe in the full range of sexual expression, as long as it comes from a place that is real. 
 
 For me that’s the only issue. Are you being real, and are you allowing expression of your true self? I don’t believe there is any right or wrong when it comes to sex, as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans, as long as it’s life enhancing.
 
 So the tantric types get a shock in my workshops when I bring out the bondage ropes; those who embrace raunch culture find the softness disconcerting; the kinky types wonder if all this talk about love isn’t a bit vanilla; and the clinical types find the fun and naughtiness rather perplexing.
 
 But it’s all good! Tantric bondage, soft raunch, loving kink, are all real expressions of possibility. 

I must admit I sometimes wish I could classify myself more specifically. It would be easier to explain what I do. But I can’t, I love the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sex, I think raunch and kink are valid, I believe that knowledge of anatomy and physiology and sexual technique are important, I believe that deep examination of one’s psychology and self-knowledge are crucial.
 
 But you know what I think is the most important of all when it comes to sex?
 
 Fun!
 
 Yes, sex is playtime for grown-ups. Or to paraphrase Oscar Wilde: “Sex is far too important to be taken seriously.”
 
 Why do people take sex so seriously? Given that we’re given no training whatsoever, people have a rather ludicrous expectation that it will be smooth and no-one would ever make a mistake; that it would be embarrassing if we did something wrong or something our partner didn’t respond favorably to.
 
 And we have nothing to compare our ‘performance’ with!
 
 All we have to compare ourselves to is previous experience, or porn, which is fake or what other people have to say, which is probably also fake.
 
 So there is no ‘normal’, or anything that we really should or shouldn’t be doing.
 All we’ve got is each other’s bodies and a trillion odd brain cells to be creative with! That means, play time!
 
 The less pressure you put on yourselves to get it right, the more freedom you have to experiment and be creative. And if it doesn’t work – have a laugh about it!
 
 Personally I think that if there isn’t a good bout of laughing at some stage during the sex act, it can’t be good sex. A good lasting orgasm will often result in a full-on burst of uncontrollable laughter. We all know that sex is good for our health, so is laughter, so playful sex has got to be the best of all.
 
 Watch how children let loose in the playground, and do the same in your own sexual playground. 

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is being subjected to low-level trauma. She will feel resentful, irritated, frustrated, used (sound familiar?). When a woman feels like this it goes inward, so she feels bad about herself and life in general; all because she’s ‘just doing it’ and putting out because for some reason she thinks she ‘should’.

Say ‘no’ to obligation sex and say ‘yes’ to desired sex, sex that is good for your vagina and good for you!

Download Audio: Obligation Sex is Self-imposed Low Level Sexual Trauma

Download Audio: The Great G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Debate!

Firstly, let me apologise on behalf of my profession that, in the early 21st century, we still don’t know how women’s bodies work! I find it appalling that there’s still debate over what’s in our vaginas and what effect touching various parts produces!

There is no question that most women find certain parts of their vaginas more sensitive than others. Some of these parts have been given labels and some haven’t. One area that has been given a label is the G-spot, which is generally located a couple of knuckles’ depth into the vagina on the belly side. When you feel inside yourself you’ll notice that that side of your vagina has a corrugated feel, whereas the rest is smooth. This is because what you’re feeling is the urethral sponge.
 
  The urethral sponge is a spongy material that surrounds your urethra. As you become sexually excited the urethral sponge becomes engorged with blood. It’s the urethral sponge you can feel on the belly side of your vagina, and as you become excited it protrudes further into your vagina.
 
  Many women, but not all, find that stimulation of the urethral sponge inside their vagina - i.e. stimulation of the belly side of their vagina - is highly stimulating. So focus there by fingers, dildo or penis is stimulating and can lead to orgasm. Simultaneously pressing just above your pelvic bone on the outside can add to the sensation.
 
  It’s not a specific “spot” though, and it’s not intense like a clitoris. It’s a region of engorged tissue, not a highly concentrated area of nerve endings like the clitoris. Which is probably why it feels different for different women. I suspect too, that different women’s anatomy affects the sensation. (Again, it’s sad that we still don’t know and that so little research has been done into women’s sexual anatomy and physiology).
 
  Other women find that deeper in is more arousing. A spot deep inside the vagina and also on the belly side, known as the AFE-spot (the anterior fornix erotic zone – yet another unsexy name for women’s genitalia!), has a similar effect on some women, producing intense sensation and strong orgasms.
 
  Both G-spot and AFE-spot (and possibly any other particular “spot” in your particular vagina) stimulation can lead to orgasm, and can also lead to the expulsion of fluid from the urethra. This is commonly termed “female ejaculation” and is also the subject of speculation. Fortunately this has been scientifically proven to be a fluid similar in consistency to seminal fluid that is produced by glands in the urethral sponge, similar to salivary glands, that is expelled when a woman is highly aroused. For some women this might be just a few drops, for others it can be cupfuls of liquid that “squirt” or “gush” out. The “ejaculation” is not necessarily accompanied by orgasm and may not even be noticeable to the woman.
 
  So what does this mean for you? My advice – get to know your vagina! Don’t trust the scientific community to tell you what’s going on down there, find out for yourself. Whether you’ve got a G or an AFE or XYZ spot, there are undoubtedly good bits that work specifically for you (and in combination with your partner, as different things work with different partners). Some of these good spots will increase arousal and possibly lead to more intense orgasms, with or without the expulsion of fluid. The important thing is to relax and explore and enjoy your wonderful vagina! 

Why is our society so sexually screwed-up? 
 
 Basically, it’s because we’ve had two to three thousand years of sexual suppression.
 
 During these millennia two very damaging myths have been held as truths in western society: 

1. That sex is a base, animalistic activity, as opposed to spiritual and ‘higher’ human endeavors; and 
2. That men are innately more sexual than women. 

These myths have been so strong for so long, that they are still very much part of our communal psyche. It’s only in the last few decades that society has begun to shift on these myths, which is a relatively short time compared to how long those myths have been there, so progress on change is slow.
 
The first myth, that sex is a ‘low’, animalistic activity not a ‘high’ activity, has meant that sex has not been studied properly, has not been taught to our young people, has not been a topic of open discussion, and has not been considered a part of life that should be developed and enhanced.
 
 This means that society’s knowledge of sex is very limited, and we are nowhere near achieving anything like our sexual potentials, nor are we using sex in a positive way to enhance our lives as we could be.
 
The second myth, that men are more sexual than women, has meant that there has been an imbalance between the masculine and feminine principles in society. We’ve had a dysfunctional masculine, overly dominant and aggressive, and a dysfunctional feminine, overly weak and dependent. When the two principles are out of whack like this, there is no balance and harmony. Without a balance of equal masculine and feminine, the masculine goes out of control and the feminine is useless.
 
 Sexually, this means there has not been a focus on what men and women need sexually, how they function differently yet complementarily, and how their coming together creates magic. Instead we’ve had a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. Women have been expected to 'service' their men’s 'needs': the 'good girls' served men's sexuality by providing children and the 'bad girls' served men's sexuality by providing pleasure.
 
 When you combine those two myths, you end up with a society that has no idea about the beauty and benefits of sex; and individuals within it who have no idea of their potential and what they can do with their sexuality.
 
 You have an overly-aggressive society that is full of dissatisfied people, both men and women.
 
 Sound familiar? 

Download Audio: A History of Sexual Misinformation

Women and men have differences, sure, but we're not that different.

The most similar creature to Man is Woman, and the most similar creature to Woman is Man. We share about 99% of our DNA with chimpanzees, we share 60% of our DNA with fruit flies for goodness sake!

I get tired of people saying “women are such and such” and “men are such and such”.

If we lined all the men and women of the world up in a line from most to least [insert adjective] you'd often find a predominance of one sex at either end, but there would be a big overlap in the middle. That applies to size, strength, emotions, interests, libido...

Yes, the strongest people in the world are probably male, but there are a lot of women who are stronger than a lot of men.

Yes, probably there are more men at the highest end of raging libido, but you'll find women up there too, and plenty of men with no interest whatsoever.



Can we ditch the stereotypes please!

Plenty of people are the opposite of what they typically “should” be according to gender stereotypes:

• There are women who are lousy communicators, and men who are brilliant at it;
• There are women who want to 'fix' things, and men who just want to be heard;
• There are women who have trouble controlling their anger and there are men who get weepy;
• There are women who just want fast sex with an orgasm at the end, and men who love hours of sensual touch.

So while the idea that men and women are so different as to be from different planets is a good marketing strategy, it's really far from the truth.

In fact thinking that way polarizes people and causes us to focus on the differences between the sexes, rather than the similarities - and it is mostly similarities. 



Of course there are differences!

When you do look at the differences between people, within a couple say, they are generally less to do with sex differences than individual differences anyway: how much do they like to sleep; what do they like to eat; what is their parenting style; how often do they want to visit the in-laws; etc?

Having said that, yes, of course there are gender differences. Our biology is different in many ways: women's biology is more complex than men's, neurologically, hormonally - but those differences are good! Vive la difference!

Just as we need to work with differences between individuals that are not sex-based so we need to work with differences that are. 



What’s the problem with difference anyway?

The hallmark strength of the human race is our ability to cooperate with each other, to work together utilising everyone's strengths to survive and thrive. If everyone was the same, humans would never have evolved to be the successful species that we are.

Diversity in the workplace is definitely considered a good thing these days. A whole profession exists of consultants doing DISC analyses and Myers-Briggs personality typing, to make sure there are good balances of personality types in a workplace. We need to take the same approach with couples and find the value in diversity.

So how about we celebrate our differences, see ourselves as complimentary not antagonistic? Let’s learn to appreciate how we operate differently and work with that, not fight it. 



If we average out the genders and say that men tend to have more drive for sex, well, women tend to have a greater capacity for sexual response. That sounds like a good match to me! If women tend to be better at nurturing and men tend to better at fixing, well, again, I can't see that that need cause problems. We need both. If women tend to be more intuitive and men tend to be more analytical, great stuff, using both approaches can lead to better solutions all round. These differences are all complementary. 



There really is no need for a battle of the sexes.



We're all from earth.

Like this topic? Then listen to my radio show episode here.