The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#175: The Chilled Build

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 17, 2016

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#175: The Chilled Build - How to Get in the Mood for Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 17, 2016



Is your idea of libido “whoah hubba hubba here we go baby oh yeah bring it on!!!”?

Do you feel that the lead-up to sex has to be intense and passionate?

Are you struggling to achieve that fervent enthusiasm?

Have you tried to force the fire by watching porn, playing dress-ups or bringing out the sex toys - and it’s just made you feel worse?

And does that make it all seem too hard so you can’t be bothered?

Then throw away those ideas of needing to rev up for sex, and focus instead on the 'chilled build'.

We tend to have a one-sided view of sex, we think it has to be all hot and heavy to be good. Sure there are times when sex is hot and heavy and that definitely can be good! But to expect it to be all hot and heavy from start to finish is unrealistic and more likely to result in pretending than real connecting.

That’s overly up-regulated, you need to down-regulate a little, or a lot.

Especially in these stress-filled times, give yourselves a break and give yourselves time to relax and unwind. Get... read more


#168: Seven Benefits of Attending a Couples Retreat

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, July 30, 2016




I’m back from running another gorgeous Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains last weekend. I’m feeling all loved up myself from being surrounded by couples celebrating their love and honouring their sexuality as an expression of that love. It really is such a wonderful experience that I want to tell you all the good reasons to attend.

I was going to write this myself, and then I received this feedback from one couple who attended - and so I figured that rather than me waxing lyrical about it, it’d be much better for you to hear from the participants themselves!


* * * * * * * * *
Hi Jacqueline,

We want to give you some formal feedback on what was an amazing weekend.

We both feel it was THE BEST investment we have ever made as a couple.

We had so much fun on the weekend but that is just a fraction of the value as we learned tools that will serve us for the rest of our lives.

(1) We were hoping it would allow us to derive more enjoyment out of our sex lives. These expectations have already... read more


#148: Peace, Pleasure and Goodwill to All

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, December 18, 2015



Happy festive season! ’Tis the season for peace, pleasure and good will to all!

What’s this got to do with your love life?

Firstly - “’tis the season for peace”.

By peace I mean that inner stillness and calm that allows for presence. When you’ve got a head full of busyness it’s very hard to tune off and become still and present. You can still have pretty good sex, but it tends to be distracted, unconnected and therefore ultimately unsatisfying. So, during this time when most people have time off, focus on the peace, find the moments of quiet and tune into that. Then take that feeling into your lovemaking. It’s from that deep space that realness emerges and the sex can become whatever is real for you at the time, wild or tender or crazy as, whatever. The thing is that it’s real, it comes from within you, not some expectation or act imposed from outside.

Here’s something you can do to feel the peace. Christmas morning is the only time of the year when the country becomes peaceful. This is the one morning of the year when almost nothing is happening, when the energies are at their calmest. So go outside and notice... read more


#148: Peace, Pleasure and Goodwill to All

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, December 18, 2015

Download Audio: Peace, Pleasure and Goodwill to All

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#146: Come From A Place of "Yes!"

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, November 20, 2015



I had a good chat recently with a woman who loves to make love with her husband, she said that she never refuses her husband, that she always comes from a place of "Yes!".

Apparently her mother had drilled into her that it was the best way to stay happy and connected in a marriage, and it was good advice - regular, quality love-making definitely strengthens a relationship.

I had to agree, I too like to say "Yes!" to sex (and when I say ’sex’ I mean love-making not just intercourse, not even genital interaction) - and I'd love it if you could too and definitely not in a “just do it” kind of way. I want you to say “Yes!", not “Oh well, if I must” or “Ok, if you’ll shut up about it” or “Well, OK. I suppose you did vacuum the house…”


I’m not asking you to say “yes” out of a sense of obligation or duty or as a trade-off. I’m saying say ‘Yes!’ to sex because it feels good to be intimate with your partner, because you know that even if you’re not really feeling it yet, if you focus on the beforeplay and then the... read more


#146: Say “Yes!" to Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, November 20, 2015

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#144: Reluctance is not frigidity, it’s body awareness - she’s not ready!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, October 30, 2015

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#144: Reluctance is Not Frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, October 30, 2015



I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…

Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.

The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself.

I see so many women who have forced themselves to have sex when they weren’t ready (and by the way, if your sexual activity includes anal sex and fisting, she needs to be very very ready). They’ve been subjecting themselves to constant low level sexual trauma, and over time they’ve come to hate sex. 

In some cases, women have subjected themselves to high level trauma. Some of the things women get up to without truly wanting to are extraordinary - if they were getting paid for doing stuff they don’t want to it might make some sense, but they do it for free!

As I’ve explained elsewhere, a woman’s body opens in stages. You can’t go barreling down... read more


#132: Partnered Yoga - Erotic Connection

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 07, 2015

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