Sometimes a client tells me they feel they are too ‘needy’ because they want to connect with their partner more. Or in contrast, a client tells me they feel their partner is too ‘needy’ because they want to connect with them more. And occasionally they are right, the ‘needy’ partner lacks self-assurance and uses their partner to fill a hole in themselves. But more often the clients have bought into a belief, so common in our society, that idolises individuality.

Yet humans are social creatures, we are pair-bonding creatures. It’s not ‘needy’ to desire connection, it’s human.

We’ve evolved that way. Why? Because we have very large brains and therefore very large skulls. This means that compared to most other mammal species, humans give birth to our young very prematurely, while the infant’s skull is still small enough to get out of the mother. So, our infants are born totally helpless – they can’t even hold up their heads! It takes seven years for a human infant to get to the level of independence that most mammals get to in a few weeks or months.

Other mammal species don’t need fathers. Once he’s done his job of impregnation the mother can gestate, birth and raise her infants all on her own. There is no ‘fatherhood’ in other mammal species, it’s not needed. But with humans, with our demanding, slow-growing young, a human mother couldn’t do that on her own, she needed the dad to stick around and help. And not just the dad, the grandparents – in fact the whole tribe! Which is a key reason why humans have always got around in groups, why families stick together and why we pair-bond. Having our tribe, our family, our beloved around and in close contact leads humans to feeling safe and secure, content and loved-up; and that's what enables us to raise our young and survive as a species.

Love and connection is actually the driver of human evolution. This cooperation and connection has enabled humans to evolve to develop our big brains and be the successful species that we are.

Sure, we need alone time too, but the total loner is an exception in humans. The drive to independence that we’ve had in western society is not natural. It doesn’t make us happy. So, people who lack human connection seek satisfaction through money and power and the other external trappings of “success”, or through drugs, alcohol and screen-based entertainment to numb or distract from the disconnect. None of which provide the calm contentment and genuine satisfaction that connection brings.

How do we get that connection? Through conversation, through doing things together and for each other, through hugs and touch, through smiles, through knowing others and being known. The closer other people are to us, the more important the connection is. A smile and a nod is a pleasant connection with a neighbour, with our partner though, we need a lot more – time together, lots of touch and smiles and so importantly, sexual intimacy, the type of connection that we don’t get from anyone else (even if you are in an open or polyamorous relationship, the connection between the primary partners needs to be the strongest). And as so much of my writing and work is about, that sexual intimacy is deep and connected, not the disconnected fucking that so many people unfortunately think of as ‘sex’.

If you’ve come from an emotionally constipated family where touch and other forms of connection weren’t strong, you might find this hard. But don’t worry, it’s just learned behaviour and can be unlearned. Because the need for connection, especially touch, is so innate in humans, it can be relearned.  I can assure you that with focus, practice and support from your partner and other loved ones, and possibly with a good therapist, you can become more comfortable with touch, connection and true intimacy.  Trust me, it feels so good once you open up. You don’t have to be an island unto yourself, you can connect with individuals, groups, with humanity as a whole, and so importantly, with the earth and the ecosystem of which we are all one. 

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

Answer: We’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex!Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine, it’s the model they’re trying to operate within that’s the problem. Seriously, we can’t all be that sexually dysfunctional. I may be a one-woman campaigner here, but hello world, it’s the model of sex that’s dysfunctional, not the people.

It’s not surprising really. We had thousands of years of sexual suppression. In that time, we brought up our girls to know nothing about their sexuality (even today most girls grow up knowing very little – did your mother talk to you about your clitoris? Did she discuss with you how to relate to your lover for maximum pleasure?), and all the boys knew was masturbation. So, with no other information, when they got married, the husband would continue to ‘masturbate’ inside his wife’s vagina. Think about it – masturbation has three parts to it: first you have to be horny, then the main focus is the genital friction (anything else is just ‘foreplay’) and it finishes with his ejaculation. When the sexual revolution happened in the 60s and 70s, the only model of sex we had was this one, and it has stuck and if anything has become more entrenched

Throw away that masturbatory model, which is fine for solo sex, and instead embrace a model of partnered sex that focuses on pleasure, intimacy, connection, fun, and all those good things. Sex is about two people coming together and having a co-created experience. It’s not two people coming together and getting each other off. Sure, orgasms are great, but they are an outcome of sex, not the point of it.

Now back to you and your non-ejaculating boyfriend. Can you see that your question is based on the assumption that he ‘should’ ejaculate and that you ‘should’ give him that ejaculation. Yet, he says he’s loving it!

The problem here is the expectation of what it should be, rather than the enjoyment of the experience. If he’s loving it then you’re engaging in a really positive way. If he really needs to ejaculate, chances are he can do that through intercourse.

So you’re feeling bad because of the pressure you’re putting on yourself to give him an orgasm, and no doubt you’re also putting pressure on him to orgasm. If there’s one thing that gets in the way of orgasm, it’s the pressure to orgasm. If he knows that you are frustrated with his lack of orgasm, that is going to cause him pressure, which is going to make his orgasm even more unlikely.

Relax. If you’re enjoying giving him oral, and he’s enjoying receiving it, then that’s pleasure, that’s connection, that’s what partnered sex is all about. And with this approach, focusing on the experience not the outcome, you’re actually going to be more likely to have orgasm be part of that experience. No pressure though!

At my last Couples Retreat in Bali I made the comment to some participants that I don't feel like a woman, I feel like a human in a female body. The shocked reaction came back: "But you're so womanly, you're gorgeous, the epitome of being female, a veritable goddess!"

Which I have to say was definitely very flattering, if a little excessive!

But actually, I believe the reason I come across as so "womanly" is that I have balanced my yin and yang, my masculine and feminine, within myself. I simply feel 'human' and then I inhabit a female body. And I have to say I love having a female body! But you know, if I had a male body, I'm not sure I'd feel that different, and I'm sure I'd love having a male body. Because being human and having a body is a pretty cool thing when you think about it. Miraculous actually.

So much of my work with people is to find that internal balance. Our journey in life is in large part to develop those sides of ourselves that have been stunted (eg men not in touch with their vulnerable side, or women not in touch with their powerful side) so that we can become more whole within ourselves.

There is a school of sexual thought, particularly in the more Tantric circles, that there has to be a polarization between a man and a woman for transcendent sexual experiences. I disagree. The polarity doesn't come from having different chromosomes, it comes from the interplay of yin and yang, the leading and following, the giving and receiving, and the transcendence comes from the meeting of two open, vulnerable, authentic human beings.

This is why in my Tantra-based couples retreats I welcome same sex couples, because it's not about your genitals, it's about your ability to be mindfully embodied as an individual and to create resonance between you as a couple.

Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.

The problem with this limited view is that it assumes that:

• Intercourse is the “main event” or “the whole point” of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that “main event”
• Intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required.

But let’s look at this differently. Let’s take a less linear view of sex and say that:

• Intercourse isn’t the main event, that it isn’t the whole point, that it’s just one of many elements and possibilities of sex and lovemaking
• Intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous, so it doesn’t necessarily require lots of preparation
• Intercourse can, in essence, be part of the foreplay.

Now that’s a very different point of view!

You’ll notice that I often focus on sensuality and exploring the “valleys” of sex as well as the “peaks”, and particularly on softening and making the genitals more receptive. With this approach the lines between foreplay and sex blur and it all becomes part of a flow of lovemaking that changes every time and can last from moments to hours.

Gentle intercourse can start the whole sexual encounter, even without any movement at all! Having your genitals connected while gazing into each other’s eyes, or kissing, or simply lying there enjoying the feeling of genital connection - is a type of foreplay. That could be enough in itself, or it might lead on to more vigorous intercourse, or more vigorous oral or manual, or bring in toys, lie around in 69 for ages, get up and dance, chat, have a cup of tea, and then do it all again…

Anything's possible...

Create something wonderful and new every time!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "Hoping you can shed some light. Two months ago I decided to end a wonderful relationship, due to my partner's desire to have sex twice a day. He told me this is normal for him, and that he had it like that in his last two long-term relationships. It all came to a head when he told me he wasn’t ready for us to live together and be defacto. I felt I was being sexually used, and called it quits. But we still love one another and talk regularly and have huge chemistry between us. Can you help me? Is it normal in your 50s to be wanting sex twice a day, and how can we find a compromise?"

Answer: What’s normal is that everyone is different! There are so many elements to sex – the lead-up, initiation, timing, activities, pace, rhythm, location, atmosphere, props, aftercare – you’re always going to be different. Every couple faces the challenge of co-creating a sex life that suits you both.

But since you ask, let’s focus on the frequency point for a moment. In regard to what’s ‘normal’ in terms of frequency, the Australian Study of Health and Relationship a few years ago came up with an average of 1.4 times per week for partnered people. That’s about six times a month. Body+Soul also did a survey recently and discovered that 8% of respondents had sex most days (5% of those in their 50s), and another 36% answered that they had sex 1-3 times a week. At the other end of the scale, 15% said they never had sex and 20% said they had sex less than every three months (32% of those in their 50s). So, you can see there is a broad range of ‘normal’.

Your partner is definitely at the far end of frequency. If the average is six times a month and he’s wanting it 60 times a month, that’s ten times the average! Which is not to say it’s too much, only that if it’s more than you want, then there needs to be some understanding and co-creating.

Do you know why he wants it so often? Is it that he finds you so goddamn gorgeous that he can’t get enough of you? If so, while that’s flattering, perhaps what he really wants is connection and intimacy. In which case, twice daily bouts of quality conversation and cuddling could satisfy his needs, with less frequent genital engagement. Or is it that he has the urge to ejaculate twice a day and it actually has very little desire for you (as much as I’m sure he does like sex with you). In which case, masturbation is the best way to scratch that itch, and leave the partnered activity to when you’re both wanting connection and mutual pleasure. Or maybe he’s bored or stressed in life and uses orgasms like other people eat chocolate bars, that is, it’s something that gives him a quick fix and makes him feel better. In which case I suggest he do some soul searching about life, love and happiness, and stop imposing his dysfunctional needs on you.

And what about you? You mention nothing of your own needs and desires in your question. You talk more about your annoyance at his needs and feeling used if you meet them. You need to also know why you have sex. How do you like to get in the mood? How do you like to approach or be approached? What turns you on and what turns you off? Would you be open to frequent bouts of cuddling, only some of which turn into PIV (penis in vagina activity)? Until you can answer these questions, you can’t co-create a love-life together.

It sounds as though you two do love and desire each other. That’s a great start. So, forget about the quantity and get talking about the how and the what and the why. That’s what’s important. You will always be different, whether it’s with this partner or with someone else. The key to having a great sex life is being aware of yourself and being aware of your partner, and that requires talking about it openly, without feelings of entitlement or obligation. If you struggle to do this together, work with a qualified professional to help with the communicating. In this way you will get understanding, creativity and lots of love, intimacy, pleasure and great sex!

There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'.

But what’s so wrong about a soft cock?

Nothing, and there’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:

• It’s lovely and soft and malleable.
• It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled.
• It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
• Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock.

• You can even have sex with a completely soft cock. It’s part of the subtle approach I encourage, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the ecstatic sensations that arise.

If the woman wants something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, use your hands! Fingers have bones so they’re potentially always boners! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot, or a zucchini, or a … you get the picture!

I was on talk back radio once and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever, as he’d become so skillful with his hands!

Really, the only people who benefit from our obsession with the hard erection are the drug companies and porn companies. They make men feel inadequate for not having massive, hard erections, and women too have an expectation that if it’s not hard it’s not on.

This is such a shame. The erection, like quality lovemaking, will ebb and flow. As your lovemaking becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll easily flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock hard cock.

Men, if you'd like to learn more about becoming a great lover, a black belt in the bedroom, enrol in my online course for men! Click on the image below.

I’m going to talk about solo sex.

That’s right, masturbation, wanking, self-pleasuring, or as they refer to it in the ancient Taoist sexual tracts, self-cultivation. Why is this? Because the ability to self-pleasure is an important aspect of sexual empowerment and sexual development.

Unfortunately, it has had a bad rap over recent centuries. It has been seen as something unpleasant, even sinful, and so done furtively and secretly. I mean, when was the last time you had in-depth conversations with your friends on your favorite masturbatory techniques? Or as an adolescent did your parents encourage you to self-pleasure to explore your budding sexuality? I doubt it. Which is a shame, because it would have made a positive difference to your experience of sex.

It’s never too late, and I encourage everyone to enjoy the pleasures of solo sex. It’s a healthy part of everyone’s sex life, whether you’re single or partnered. People often think it’s secondary to partnered sex, and only something you’d do if you weren’t getting “the real thing”. But solo sex is fabulous in its own right, and when done well can enhance your ability to have better partnered sex.

When I say 'when it's done well' I mean when it's done mindfully. Sex is a great mindfulness practice, solo or partnered, and practicing mindful solo sex makes it easier to stay in a connected, present state with partnered sex.

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For men, through masturbation you can learn to manage your level of arousal and control your ejaculation. For men who want to learn the skill of having orgasms without ejaculation, self-cultivation is an essential part of learning that skill.

It’s unfortunate that adolescent boys tend to masturbate so furtively and quickly; no wonder so many adult men have problems with premature ejaculation – they’ve trained themselves to come quickly! If this is your problem, or your partner’s, you can retrain yourself through solo practice. And if you have sons, tell them to take it slowly! I told my own this to my eldest son when he was 13 years old. His response was a predictably disgusted: “Aw, Mum, do you have to talk about that! Then, after a thoughtful pause, “Really?”

(It must be hard at times having a sex therapist as a mother, although he did top the year in sex education. I was so proud!)

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For those with vulvas rather than penises, solo sex is essential to your sexual confidence and heightened sexual response. Too often we only experience ourselves as sexual beings in relation to a man. That is, we need a man involved to feel sexual. The first step in sexual empowerment is to feel sexual just asourselves and this means feeling sexualby ourselves too. Once you have this feeling of cultivated sexuality you can take it into partnered sex for a far more satisfying experience.

So ladies, make love to yourselves regularly. Set the scene with music and subdued lighting, enjoy the feel of your body with creams or oils. Then take your time to arouse yourself. You can do it on the bed, in the bath, or as one previously anorgasmic client of mine did, on the shag pile in her walk-in robe surrounded by all her favorite clothes!

The goal of any sex, even solo sex, is not just orgasm, but also the sensations en route to orgasm. As with the men, you can learn to manage your arousal and your orgasms. Although in contrast to the men - who in general will be learning to delay orgasm - you’ll generally be learning to bring on orgasm and to expand and multiply orgasms, lucky women that we are!

If your reaction to all this talk about self-cultivation is one of aversion, or “I couldn’t possibly”, then all I can say to you is that I wish you could see the radiant beams of clients who couldn’t orgasm until they learnt to self-pleasure. And I wish you could see the radiant beams of their partners too!

As one of the participants boldly stated in the closing activity of a Luscious Woman Workshop recently as we all danced around in a circle and took turns to make our statements: “I dare to expand my sexuality through embracing self-pleasure!”

I invite you to dare too.

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Mindful masturbation - it's a great practice for a mindful love life.

1 May 2019

Today I am 55 years of age. It feels somehow special. I feel I’ve ‘arrived’ at a new stage somehow. I didn’t feel this when I turned 50, although that was significant too. Fifty-five feels strong, wise, powerful.

I woke up with the phrase 'Own the Crone' going through my mind.

It comes from the three classical stages of woman: maiden, mother and crone.

It’s the ‘maiden’, the young woman, who has been considered the most desirable, the most sexual in our society. We glorify youth, the beauty, the vibrancy of the young. That’s what’s considered sexually desirable.

The ‘mother’ phase of a woman’s life, well, this has been when she's considered the most ‘useful’ – as long as she had children of course, god forbid if she didn’t and remained a ‘spinster’. But was she sexual? Ah, no.

And as for the crone, that dried up older woman. What use was she? She’s past it, a post-menopausal has-been.

Hardly! I’ve never felt more confident, more capable, healthier or more sexually juiced up in my life! So, I’m coming out loud and proud about my age to be a beacon of inspiration for women of all ages.

I know I’ve reached this stage so hale and hearty of mind, body and soul because I’ve attended to all aspects of my being through all stages of my life. I’ve treated my body as a temple, got in touch with my emotions, developed my intellect and cultivated my spirituality. I’ve pursued purposeful work, had meaningful relationships and connected with nature. It has been an holistic, integrated approach to life.

And I’ve always sensed the importance of a quality sex life as part of that. Over the years my sexuality has changed, depending on whatever was going on in life. When I was young it was more straightforward and physical. When I had young children, it was simpler and more tender. As I grew older and more adventurous, I explored all types of more ‘exotic’ sexual experiences. And in more recent years it has evolved into experiences of the most beautiful depth and richness, experiences of extraordinary mindful, bodyful, soulfulness.

I do believe that when the Eastern traditions say that our sexual energy is transmuted into our life energy, they are right. Keeping our sexual energy flowing keeps our life energy flowing. Sexual energy is a pro-creative energy. Not just for creating new life in the form of children, but for creating our own life and everything in it, keeping us vibrant and creatively engaged with life.

No ‘anti-aging’ products or cosmetic surgery for me. I’m owning the crone!

For centuries we had the Madonna - Whore polarity, good girl versus bad girl: bad girls put out, good girls are virtuous. You fuck the whore but not your pure, chaste wife. Female sexuality was only there to serve men's sexuality: the good girls provided offspring and the bad girls provided pleasure - and never the twain would meet.

Then that ridiculous notion changed with the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 70’s. Finally we believed that sex was good and we should like sex - hip hip hooray, sexual freedom and liberation for all!!!

But has it really changed?

I think that to a large extent we simply replaced the good girl versus bad girl split with the Porn Star versus Prude. That sexual freedom only translated into the freedom to act like a porn star: do me big boy, yeah yeah - or…nothing, zip. You’re the Prude.

Too many people think that sexual freedom means acting like a porn star, doing things for free that a high-class escort would only do for serious money. Oral, anal, threesomes, moresomes. you name it, they do it, because they’re oh so cool and sexually free. (Mind you, they often have to be drugged up or drunk to do it…) Until they come to see me some years later, shamed, disgusted, hating sex - and buying into the old model that women don’t like sex.

They become 'prudes'. Now, there’s no problem with any kind of sexual activity, tame or extreme, as long as it’s real. If anal fisting is your thing, fantastic, fist away. If it’s not, don’t do it. Simple.

Liberation is supposed to be about the freedom to be yourself, not confirm to externally imposed rules or authority. It’s not trading one dysfunctional model for another.

The sexually frustrated and compromised women who fought for sexual freedom weren’t fighting for their daughters and grand-daughters to become unpaid whores.

We need another round of sexual liberation for women, one that provides real choice, a real ability to tap into a woman’s true sexuality and be real about her expression - then, and only then will women be free.

Until women are truly sexually free, men won’t be. We all need sexual re-liberation.

There are some old sexual myths of men being “naturally promiscuous” to sow their seed, and women being “naturally monogamous” because it’s “natural” for a woman to be less sexual and on closer examination these myths have no basis in fact. The former because it is a misuse of evolutionary theory and the latter because it is based on historical suppression of women’s sexuality not their biological reality. (See A History of Sexual Misinformation for more on this.)

So what is real – are humans monogamous or not? Is monogamy a natural state that all humans gravitate to, or is it a social norm superimposed upon a different biological basis?

Well, it seems that monogamy is not biologically-based, it’s socially based. For an in-depth look at this issue I recommend you read the brilliant book “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. It’s a thoroughly researched and very entertaining read. The authors look at our biology, at prehistoric remains, at our closest ape relatives, at existing and recent hunter-gatherer societies, and present a very plausible argument that we haven’t evolved to be monogamous, that the concept of “possessing” a partner exclusively is a social development, not a biological one.

This is certainly a view that I had come to based on my own research and observations, clinical and personal; so it's good to see it reinforced by academics who have done the proper analytical research. So, if we’re not “naturally” monogamous, what does that mean for us? Should we all start hanging out at swingers clubs and inviting the neighbors over for a “casual drink”? Of course not. I’m not talking about going from one extreme to another! What I am saying is that we need to take the issue seriously, not cover it up with fear or power-based morality and narrow-mindedness.

These days we do plenty of things that we didn’t evolve to do, things that aren’t “natural” in the sense that we usually mean it - such as sitting in front of a computer. But if we stray too far from who we really are, if we go too much against our innate selves, if we start fighting our selves, then we’re in for trouble. To use the computer example, our bodies have evolved to be active, so even if we can sit in front of a computer, we shouldn’t overdo it. Overly sedentary people risk obesity, heart disease, diabetes and a whole bunch of other problems.

So, if we aren’t naturally monogamous, forcing ourselves to be monogamous is not going to work. In the past it was avoided by repressing women’s sexuality so severely that it was barely possible to be non-monogamous. But now that women don’t get stoned to death, or burned at the stake or locked up in mental institutions for being sexual, and now that women aren’t forced to stay in relationships for the sake of economic necessity, what do we find – around 50% of relationships involve infidelity (of which women contribute as much as men). And certainly very many people aren't monogamous for life, these days serial monogamy tends to be the norm, so while they might not overlap their lovers they certainly do have more than one.

I have come to think that as with so many other aspects of sexuality, we’re all on a continuum of monogamy, with some people being completely monogamous and others being completely non-monogamous, and most of us somewhere in-between. And this varies over time.

A small number of people manage to have consensual non-monogamous relationships, and that’s fine because in these cases it’s done openly, honestly and with continual reflection. Nevertheless, even for them it is challenging. All relationships are challenging.

If monogamy is your preference, the key point here is that we have to recognize that it’s not easy to be exclusive with the same person for years on end and have a satisfactory love life with that one person. You have to focus on it and work at it.

Some key points I believe we all need to take on board, whatever our preferred type of relationship is, are:

• To be less judgmental of self and others around relationship preferences and inclinations;
• To be more open-minded about relationship possibilities, if not for yourself, then at least with others, not everyone has to be the same as you;
• To realise that becoming more aware of your own sexuality, and therefore more open, honest and real about yourself, is a very good thing for yourself and for your relationship(s);
• To be more focused on creating an on-going good sex life that includes diversity and novelty.

I would love to see our society develop in a way that is more inclusive of different kinds of sexuality, including varieties of sexual relatedness. We’ve had a long struggle, which still exists, to open our minds to homosexuality. Now we need to open up to other aspects of sexuality, such as non-monogamy - as well as bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, intersexuality, kinky orientations, or any other orientation that goes against rigid definitions of ‘acceptable’ sexuality. As I say so often, as long as it’s between consenting informed adults, it’s fine.

Essentially, as a society, we need to be authentic, honest and non-judgmental.

 Sounds reasonable, but it’s such a big ask in this society, especially when it’s to do with sexuality.

Still, I live and work in hope…