It might not sound particularly sexy, but without safety you don’t get sexy, at least, not quality sexy. 

Safety is needed to be able to trust, be vulnerable, open up and let go, and that is what’s required for good sex. 

Safety comes first.

It’s often overlooked in sex though. We want to jump straight to the good stuff, the behaviours, rather than making sure the conditions are safe. It would be like going skydiving without checking the parachute is packed properly. It’s dangerous! And not pleasurable. And in fact, like with skydiving, the more ‘dangerous’ you want your sexual encounter to be, the more you have to focus on safety.

You’ll actually find that those who engage in the kinkier sexual activities have very thoroughly well-packed “parachutes”. You’re safer in a BDSM dungeon than in the average bedroom, because there you don’t engage without a thorough understanding of what each is wanting and setting your boundaries very clearly. In contrast, I’ve had clients who have been together for decades, who have never discussed their sex life.

If your partner doesn’t know what you’re feeling and wanting and fearing and hoping, it’s not safe, and it’s not going to be good. Either you’ll exceed your boundaries and get hurt or you’ll play it safe and limit your experience so it’s not as pleasurable as it could be. The latter is obviously better than the former, but it is limiting.

I’m talking about both physical and emotional safety here. Physically, you need to make sure you’ve got contraception and preventing STDs covered; and you need to make sure sex doesn’t hurt. If it does, stop and/or change what you’re doing. Sex must never hurt.

The emotional side of things is just as important. To make sex emotionally safe you need to know what is going on for the other person. That requires communication, the type of communication that allows you to be heard without judgement, so you can share your desires and fears. Though this discussion you create safety and allow for authentic expression and exploration. 

Interestingly, the discussion itself can ignite an erotic charge. So it’s not that you create safety first and then you can be erotic, the creating of the safety though discussion can in itself be erotic!

I see this all the time in the couples I work with, the ones who are best at creating safety through open supportive communication are the ones who have the best, most profound sex lives.

As one female partner said to me: “Our bed is the safest place in the world”. 

Followed not long after by her male partner saying “I keep thinking our sex can’t get any better, but it just does.”

• If you’re having a quick peck hello or goodbye, really feel it. Let your lips transmit your love so that that moment is rich with feeling;
• If you have a few seconds to spare, let yourselves enjoy an extended kiss. Let your lips convey more feeling, allow something enticing and erotic in the connection;
• At times really make-out, like teenagers, like you would have done at the start of the relationship. But don’t necessarily then race off to the bedroom, even if you are already in the bedroom making out, just enjoy that experience for its own sake. Feel how delicious a good kiss is, without racing on to the ‘next’ step.

Be polite!

I’m not talking here about persistent unwanted advances at a party or bar, in those cases you may well need to be less than polite. I’m talking about how you say no to your partner’s sexual invitation.

With so many couples I work with, often one has been the ‘initiator’ and they can find it hard when they get rejected a lot. Often to the point of giving up initiating altogether. It can feel really rejecting when your partner says no a lot.

Now I want to stress that of course you have the right to say ‘no’. No-one should ever do anything sexually that they don’t want to do. What I’m focussing on here is how you say ‘no’.

For a start, think of the offer as a positive thing. Your partner finds you desirable and wants to share a pleasurable connecting experience with you. This is a good thing (just ask all the people who I work with whose partners don’t find them desirable, that’s really horrible).

So just as if your partner was offering you a slice of cake, or suggesting a date at the movies, take it as a positive offer. And just as if you didn’t feel like a slice of cake or going to the movies, you would say: “Thank-you, that’s a lovely offer, but that’s not what I’m in the mood for right now.” That way you’re letting your partner know that it’s not them that you don’t like, which is what feels rejecting, you’re letting them know that you don’t feel like that activity. Of course, your partner might feel disappointed, but that’s very different to feeling rejected.

I also suggest you follow up your ‘no’ with an authentic ‘yes’. What do you feel like?

• It might be no to sex but yes to a conversation and then spooning together as you fall asleep.
• It might be no to bedroom activity but yes to a bath on your own (and then the potential for bedroom activity).
• It might be no to sex tonight, but yes to creating the time and space on the weekend.
• And it might even be no to sex altogether because it’s not working well, so let’s go and see a sex therapist to sort us out!

So, when you receive a suggestion or request from your partner, and your first response is a ‘no’, that’s ok. Say ‘no’ politely. Then check in with what you do want. Share that with your partner and you may well find that you can create something together that is connecting, intimate and pleasurable, whether it involves your genitals or not.

What makes a great relationship is being experts on each other.

You are different, always were, always will be. So, what makes you great as a couple is the ability to know, accept, appreciate, and work with the differences.

The similarities, the good stuff, that’s easy. No-one ever comes to me seeking help on how good things are!

Now, you might think you know your partner, but do you really? More likely your concept of your partner is a mix of how they were when you met (a time when you probably did pay a lot of attention) and your interpretation of who they are based on who you are…

Never assume you know your partner. You don’t. Keep paying attention and being curious. Keep discovering each other. You are endlessly fascinating. The more you each understand yourself and the other, the better you will understand your dynamic and be able to continuously co-create a secure, engaged relationship (or jointly and amicably agree to end it if it’s done its time).

Don’t make the other wrong. They are just different. The way you are, the way you see the world is not ‘right’, it’s just familiar, so it feels ‘normal’. But there is no ‘normal, we’re all individuals with individual histories and life experiences which have created a unique individual in the present moment, and one that will continue to be created throughout your whole life. You can never know a person fully, you can never know your partner fully, hey, you can’t ever know yourself fully!

So, how do you know your partner, really? You need to pay attention, you need to be curious, you need to ask, you need to listen and you need to reflect back to show that you’re hearing and understanding.

This is actually very hard to do. It’s hard to understand another person’s reality, how they experience the world. That’s in part because it’s hard to express it. You need time to do this well. You need to sit down together, look at each other, and take it in turns to talk and listen and ask and inquire to gather more information and to help each other express yourselves. Stay curious and open-hearted. You love each other and want to know each other more.  

Then keep finessing that awareness, keeping on modifying and expanding your awareness of each other, keep co-creating a relationship that weathers the inevitable challenges of life and enables you to appreciate and enhance all the good stuff!

The Netflix series Bridgerton has been hugely popular. This Regency-era romance series has had audiences rivetted by both the slow burn courting as well as the quality sex scenes.

I've been interviewed twice by journalists on the show – one on the romance side, which you can read here, and one on the sex side, which you can read here.

I was more than happy to do the interviews, because even though I found the storyline itself pretty light and trite (spoiler alert – she gets her man!), there are some good takeaways from the show.

Firstly, and traditionally, there is great inspiration in the way the couples court. It is slow and subtle, yet builds up an incredible erotic charge. As I’m quoted saying in the first article:

"Even if it's just a nice kiss on the cheek – you can still do that in an erotic way. I think Bridgerton showed us just how erotic the bare minimum can be, especially when these days people think they have to be naked and doing all sorts of crazy things on the first date. Energetic frisson is incredibly powerful and something we’ve really lost lately. It's the building of anticipation and sexual chemistry without doing anything overt."

Secondly, and more contemporarily, the sex scenes are excellent. To quote myself in the second article:

"We're starting to see sex portrayed differently on TV. Sex as art, sex as love, sex as something meaningful ... it's not porn, which is simply entertainment that can tap into the unresolved issues we have around sex."

The journalist was intrigued by what I meant by meaningful, quality sex. My reply was:

"In a 'bad' example it’s all about the sex and not about the connection. What we see in Bridgerton is a very deep connection between the lovers. We see the progression of the lovemaking, right from the frisson … often in movies they are up against the wall, not even looking at each other. Good sex happens between two sets of eyes, two sets of lips, two entire bodies."

Rather than the standard intense passion quickly moving to intercourse, shows such as this one as well as Outlander and Sense8 are showing better quality sex scenes (I'm sure there are others, those are two that I've seen). These scenes show the intricacies of sexual engagement: the connection between the partners, the lead-up to the genital engagement, a slower build, male partners pleasuring female partners, manual and oral pleasuring not just intercourse. You can see that it’s not just about 'getting off' but much more about tenderness and love and pleasure.

I sometimes get clients saying they want to have sex 'like on Outlander', so I encourage the couple to watch the sex scenes together and describe what it is about what they are seeing that is so erotic and appealing. It can really help a couple convey their sexual desire to each other. Often the subtleties can be hard to explain, often it's about what’s not happening as much as what is, so watching and pointing out what is being experienced is a great way to share and understand….and then practice!

I see a lot of couples who get on well, are very affectionate, are kind and polite with each other, yet find it hard to get to sex.  They might be holding hands and sharing little kisses throughout the day, working well as a team to get stuff done around the house, manage the kids, etc, but then…the reality of getting naked in bed together…? Well, sometimes that feels like too much of a stretch.

To these couples I say – focus on the cuddle-plus!

You see, they’re missing the phase between affection and sex. Just because you’re getting on well and are affectionate, are cuddling on the couch, it doesn’t mean you can go straight from that to full-on passionate, genital engagement.

The cuddle+ phase is where you go beyond simply the “oh I like you” to “mmm, I like you!”  This is where you connect with your eyes, where your kisses linger longer than a peck, your conversation doesn’t go beyond what is happening between you and me right here right now, where touch moves from comforting to arousing, where you are sinking in and syncing together.

As I’ve stressed so often, in a long-term relationship this is probably not going to be intensely passionate, it may well be more of a chilled build. But it’s a delicious chill. After all, isn’t it better to savour a bottle of wine rather than skull it down in a rush…? This really is like savouring each other, taking the time to connect and delight in each other.

Sometimes I challenge couples to “make love without involving their genitals”. What I’m asking here is for them to explore the cuddle+ zone.

I’ll put that challenge to you too. Give it a go, see how wonderful this savouring of each other can be, and then if it does evolve into genital engagement, you may well find that you’re entering into a whole new realm…

Communication is so fundamental to co-creating a great life together. Whether it’s as simple as agreeing on what you’re going to have for dinner, through to big topics like how you manage your finances, every aspect of relating needs good communication. This is never more important than when it comes to sex, but…talking about sex is one of the hardest things for a couple to do.

Why is this? Well, some people think you shouldn’t have to talk about sex, it “should just come naturally”; some people only talk about sex when there’s a problem so when they do it’s heavy and negative; and a lot of people are simply too shy. Yet without talking about it, it’s not going to be good. Imagine if you didn’t talk about what you wanted to eat, or where you wanted to go on holidays, how you raise the kids – how good, or more likely bad, would your life together be?

So, let’s take a look at the three types of sexual communication you need to have a great love life.

Chit-Chat

Chit-chat is talking about sex in general. As I described in another blog article, you need to treat your love life like a mutual hobby – something you do for pleasure in your leisure time – and discuss it as openly and positively as you would a mutual hobby. So you converse about sex – your hopes, dreams, desires, fears, concerns. How you’re feeling about your sex life, what you might like, any interesting ideas you might have. You can talk about your own sex life or sex in general. I’ve had couples tell me they read one of my blogs or listen to a podcast as inspiration for a good conversation about sex and intimacy.

It’s in these general chats about sex, outside of the act itself, that you can have deeper conversation and gain more understanding of each other’s sexuality, as well as your own. I had some clients just the other day who’d been talking about threesomes together, never thinking that they would ever actually have one – then found themselves not long after taking an unexpected opportunity to engage in one! They said that if they hadn’t talked about it earlier, they wouldn’t have taken the plunge and it certainly wouldn’t have been the enjoyable experience that it was.

It’s not just about pushing your boundaries though, it can be about anything that could enhance your lovelife – redecorating the bedroom, dealing with kids’ bedtimes better, helping each other feel more comfortable with sex in general. There are a lot of elements that go into make a great sex life and the more aware of them you are, the better it will be.

In the Moment

This is how you communicate during a sexual encounter. It’s how you let each other know where you’re at and what you are wanting and experiencing. Obviously, this is very different to chit chat! It’s not lengthy conversation, this type of communication doesn’t even have to be verbal. Sounds and moans and groans convey a lot of information, so let yourself express in this way (making sounds can increase the pleasure too, depending on what you’re doing).

It is good to be able to verbalise some of the time though, such as to give feedback: “slower” “faster” “to the left” “to the right” “just gotta move a touch” “mmm, that’s good” “oh god oh god oh god” “I’m feeling pretty sated now” and so forth. Words are also useful for checking in with your partner (preferably said in sultry sexy voice): “so…how’s this?” “would you like more?” “how about we…?” “could you/I…”

And you can communicate in the moment with signals: you can guide your partner’s hands to where you want or don’t want them; you can guide your partner’s body in various ways; you can use gentle taps on their body to indicate increasing or decreasing intensity. Of course, you need to verbally communicate what these physical signs could be and mean during your chit chats and not just try and guess during the act itself!

The Debrief

And then there’s the debrief, a gentle sharing of how you found the experience once it’s over. It’s such a good time to communicate about sex. You’re lying in the afterglow, feeling all loved-up and connected, so it’s a great time to reflect in a soft snuggly way about how you found it and what you liked, what you might have done that was a different or what you considered doing even if you didn’t, before drifting off to sleep or getting up to continue the day.

So, improve your communication skills in these three ways and co-create a great sex life that lasts your whole life long!

To have great sex you need to be able to switch off and focus at the same time: switch off from the rest of the world and focus on what's happening right here and right now. You need to be able to lose yourself into the experience.

One of the main reasons I hear that people have trouble getting into sex or getting around to sex is that they can't switch off and become present to the connection, so clearly this is a skill that modern people need. Even if you are having decent sex, improving your ability to let go and be present in the experience will make the sex better and better.

So how to learn that skill? Learn to meditate! The better you get at meditating, the easier it is for you to sink in to sex.

It’s that ability to ‘sink in’ to yourself, that deep, calm feeling that’s so good for sex. This is especially so for long-term partners, where the 'va-va-voom let’s-go-for-it-baby' approach, that you might have had in the early days, has waned. Well, let’s face it, when you’ve been cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, catching up on emails, watching the late news…it’s not exactly va-va-voom material is it?

To connect well sexually in a long-term relationship, you need to be able to ‘sink in’ to sex rather than jump in passionately. There are external and internal elements to this. I’ve written a lot about having a lovely bedroom, a boudoir, so that your surroundings can help get you in the mood. That’s the external aspects of getting in the mood. On the internal side, it’s about being able to sink in and let go. A regular meditation practice helps with this.

Meditating is so simple: all you need to do is sit quietly for five to 20 minutes. Play some music that relaxes you, sit comfortably in a chair or on a meditation cushion, and focus on your breath. That’s all. Simple, but not so easy. You’ll find your mind wanders. A lot. That’s fine, that’s what our minds do. When it wanders simply notice that it is wandering and bring your focus back to your breath. Over time you’ll find that it wanders less and you’ll feel a ‘sinking in’ feeling more easily. Find a meditation class or group to help get you started.

With practice you’ll find that this really helps with sex. Augment it with many other connecting activities such as a bath, a massage, a cup of tea or glass of wine, a walk after dinner, or whatever is your unique way of transitioning from life to sex, and you’ll find that sex becomes easier and easier and more and more delicious!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: My husband of 10 years and I have recently started seeing a marriage counsellor, and I feel like she’s on his side, and our sex life is ruined because of it. Why? Because my husband doesn’t like to kiss deeply, and the counsellor says he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to. Kissing has always been a point of contention in our relationship, because I love a good, deep kiss and it seems to me like a cornerstone in sexual intimacy. But now he’s flat-out refusing, and is very smug about it. We started seeing a counsellor because we had drifted apart. Is this the final straw to make me end our marriage completely?

Answer: This is why you should always see a couples therapist who is trained in sexuality as well as relationships. This situation is far more complex than ‘he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to’. Can you imagine going to a dietitian because your health was bad, in part because you don’t eat vegetables and being told by the dietitian that you don’t have to eat vegetables if you don’t want to? That would be absurd! We know that vegetables are an essential part of a good diet and no authority on the subject would tell someone they don’t have to eat them simply because they don’t like them. Quite the opposite, the dietitian would explain why vegetables are so important to good health and investigate why you don’t like vegetables and discuss ways that vegetables could be made more appealing.

So, I am going to be your ‘dietitian’ of love, because kissing is like the ‘vegetables’ of intimacy. Without kissing your relationship is lacking essential ‘nutrients’. Research has shown that couples who kiss frequently have better relationship satisfaction, less stress and lower cholesterol.

I see so many couples who aren’t having sex, or only having disconnected, unsatisfying sex, and inevitably they are also not kissing. Kissing, like other forms of gentle, sensual touch, is the link between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is very difficult to go from day to day living to sexual intimacy without this intermediary stage. Kissing allows your body to relax and soften and from that arousal is possible.

But what is kissing? There is of course a whole range of ways in which we can kiss, from a brief peck to a long pash. A kiss can be lips closed, slightly open, tip of the tongue, whole tongue, wide open mouth. It can be done for a moment or for hours (or what seems like hours). A kiss can be done with no emotion or with overflowing emotion, disengaged or totally engaged.

So how do you each like to kiss? And in what circumstances? You say you like deep kissing and your husband doesn’t, but you don’t say how he likes to kiss and how you feel about it. This is where the conversation needs to be. It’s not about whether one has to succumb to the other’s desire or not, it’s about understanding meaning. You need to understand each other’s feelings around kissing. Why do you like deep kissing? Why doesn’t your husband? What does it mean for him, what is his experience of deep kissing, what needs to be different for him?

Once you discuss intimacy at this level of detail you will gain the information you need as a couple to co-create mutually desirable intimacy. It could be that he came from an emotionally distant family and finds kissing awkward, so needs to learn how to approach and enjoy. Maybe you come in too quickly, so he recoils rather than moving towards, in which case you need to practice an approach and a pace that makes him feel comfortable and engaged. Maybe he likes lots of little kisses before slowly increasing the depth. Maybe you go on for too long. Maybe you move your tongue in ways he doesn’t like. Maybe you use too much saliva. Maybe you have bad breath and he’s too embarrassed to tell you!

There are so many factors at play here, and it can make for really interesting conversation that is also deep and connecting. Try having this conversation with your husband on your own. Be inquisitive and non-judgemental about what he does like and why, what he struggles with and why. From there you can share gently and openly about why you desire him in this way and how good it makes you feel. Find the commonality through this discussion and explore ways of connecting that do make him comfortable.

If you can’t find resolution on your own, or the conversation is too difficult, then find a therapist who is trained and practiced in sex and intimacy and can help facilitate your conversation.

Most importantly, don’t give up on your relationship. If you love and desire each other, with the help of a skilled therapist you will find your way through.

This is a great word that I like to use when talking to couples about how to relate to each other and get in the mood for lovemaking.a

That word is “communing”.

The dictionary defines the verb “commune” as:

• To share one's intimate thoughts or feelings with someone or something;
• To feel in close spiritual contact with someone or something.

It’s a gentle, chilled-out word that makes you feel relaxed and connected. I take it to mean that act of sharing and feeling when two people hang-out together doing stuff that makes them feel good about each other.

It can be a cup of tea and a chat after the kids are in bed. It can be walking to the park together pushing the pram. It can be snuggling up on the couch laughing and watching your favourite TV show. It can be doing a jigsaw puzzle together. It can be taking dessert up to the bedroom and feeding each other while giggling on the bed.

It doesn’t have to involve a lot of verbal communication; it certainly doesn’t have to involve deep and meaningful conversation (although it can lead to that naturally). It doesn’t have to be overtly romantic or sexual. Communing is just two people enjoying each other’s company in a relaxed manner.

The three key elements to communing are simply that:

1. You’re together
2. You’re doing something (even if that something is very little) together
3. It makes you feel good about yourself and the other person

It’s actually what makes you feel good as a couple, and that in turn is what makes your sex life work.

Too often people in relationships get complacent and stop making the time to be with each other. Then they wonder why one or both of them isn’t in the mood for sex anymore.

Forcing yourself to get in the mood for sex isn’t going to make you want sex. Contrary to what a lot of people believe, sex doesn’t always “cure” the ills of a relationship, although it can.

The reality is that for most people, sex needs a warmup.

Most people actually need to be feeling good about their partner and about themselves before they’ll want to make love to them.

I call this 'beforeplay' - keeping the warmup going on in little ways all the time. It’s the way you relate and feel about each other (and therefore about yourself) before you even get to the bedroom that makes the sex not only easier to get to, but better when it arrives.

Communing is enjoyable and relaxing and connecting.

What’s not to like?

Do it and enjoy!