The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#193: How to Push Your Sexual Boundaries

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, March 18, 2017

Let’s talk about that most erotic of organs – our brain.

I had a client come to me stating that he was “the Mr Bean of sex”, clueless. Some sessions later he summed up his learnings with “now I get that I have to be a whole lot more creative…”

Yep, if you rely on hormones and pheromones to run your sex life, you’ll have a very brief flourish of passion at the start and then it will all die away. That’s fine if all you want sex for is to reproduce; biologically speaking that initial frenzy of hormone-driven passion will ensure the continuation of the species. However, over the millenia it has been shown that human babies need a lot of attention to grow to successful adults who have babies of their own, so if their parents can stay bonded then their survival rate goes up. So thankfully our large brains mean that not only do we have the ability to cooperate in the raising of our children, we can also create the great sex that will make that cooperation so much easier.

That should be pretty straight-forward, but our overly clever brains are just as good at talking us out of taking a... read more

#186: Playing with the Yin and Yang of Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, January 14, 2017


This is a practical activity to explore the polarities of giving and receiving, leading and following, from a place of equality.

Leading is Yang and giving is Yang. Following is Yin and receiving is Yin. When we combine these types of Yin and Yang we get four types of sexual expression: command, seduction, nurture/service and yielding.

Command is double yang as it is both leading and giving.
Yielding is double yin as it is both following and receiving.
Seduction is yin-yang as it is leading and receiving.
Nurture/Service is yin-yang as it is following and giving.





These four expressions have two polarities:
  • The Seduction-Service polarity
  • The Command-Yielding polarity

Exploring the Seduction-Service Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Seducer feels into the sense of... read more

#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 03, 2016

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

It is not possible to use your mouth like a hand without doing severe damage to your neck. Let the porn stars get regular physio for their oral antics, it’s probably tax deductable anyway. It’s not for you.

So,... read more

#170: Rough Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, August 12, 2016

We’re talking extreme yang sex play here. Really unleashing the wild side and letting your most animalistic side take over. Rutting like wild cats. Biting, slapping, grasping hard, choking, seizing and pulling hair…

Rough sex takes an athlete’s devotion to physicality. You need strength, stamina, toughness, resilience. You have to be tough, both in the giving and receiving. You have to be physically robust to take rough sex. This robustness doesn’t have to be size, but the ability to flow with the activity, and the ability to absorb the energy of the activity and lose yourself in the pleasure of the passion.

You need to let go, get out of your head. Thinking your way into rough sex is as ineffective as thinking your way into gentle blissed-out sex.

Now, of course, there have to be limits. There have to rules of engagement. This is ravishment, not rape. So the first rule is consensual play. It takes two and if one doesn’t want to, for whatever reason, then there is no play, at least not this kind of play. Simple. There are plenty of other gorgeous sexual activities to engage in.

You need to pace yourself. You need to make sure... read more

#163: Toys for Grown-Ups

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, June 11, 2016

I’m always stressing that sex is playtime for grown-ups. Sex is about sharing pleasure. That means being creative and experimental and generally having fun with the whole thing.

One element of playtime is…toys! Yes, just as kids can play with toys, so can we grown-ups. It’s fun!

Occasionally people say to me, ‘But it’s unnatural to use sex toys’. Oh for heaven’s sake, so is using a toothbrush, but I’m sure you use one every day.

In fact I doubt sex toys are ‘unnatural’ at all, I’m sure they go back as long as humans have existed. One of the outstanding features of humans is our ability to be creative and devise tools and gadgets. Phallic shaped artefacts have been found all over the world from ancient times, and while the archeologists might call them ‘objects of worship’ or similar, I’m quite sure they had a more ‘practical’ use as well…

These days there are a huge number of toys available for us to play with:
  • There are various vibrators for clitoral stimulation, vibrators and dildos for internal stimulation (front and back-door, for him as well as her – if you’re up for it, and there’s absolutely no... read more

  • #162 Backdoor Pleasures - how to enjoy anal sex

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, June 03, 2016

    The poor anus, it can get left out. The whole body is responsive to touch and pleasure, and the anal area more so than most, yet it has a reputation for being ‘dirty’ and for anal play to be somewhat ‘sordid’. But think of deep connection, waves of pleasure, ecstatic thrills throughout your body.

    …that sounds beautiful and desirable, but does it sound anal? Not if your idea of anal sex is something that’s dirty or sordid. Yet it’s perfectly possible to include ‘backdoor’ pleasures within a sensual, connected approach to sex.

    The whole pelvic region area is so full of good bits - masses of nerve endings, engorging material - that with the right approach almost any stimulation in the area can feel good, including anal.

    Stress the phrase: “with the right approach”.

    For a start, if you’re not interested, you’re not interested, and if your partner is not interested, that’s fine, there’s no reason why anyone should like anal play if it’s not their thing. It would be like trying to force someone to like Brussels sprouts. Although having said that, it’s possible they don’t like Brussels sprouts because of the way they are cooked. Brussels sprouts that have been boiled... read more

    #160: Erotic Wickedness - How to Play with Power Exchange

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 17, 2016

    Fairy tales are not all ‘happy ever after’ there’s a lot of wickedness in them, and that wickedness can be  alluring.

    Children love wickedness and adults can too…

    Wickedness often manifests in power plays. Handing over power can be erotic and receiving the power can be erotic.

    Keep in mind though, this can only be erotic if there is safety and respect. And this means a lot of preparation in talking and understanding and planning. Otherwise it’s abuse, and there’s nothing positive about abusive wickedness.

    But erotic wickedness, now there’s something potentially to luxuriate in.

    If this doesn’t appeal at all, then move on to the next blog post. But if it has you feeling curious, then read on…

    Hand over power to your partner for your shared indulgence…and see what wickedness can ensue!

    Such as...

    • Tie him up and slather cream all over him and slowly slowly lick it off…Oh, the exquisite torture!
    • Order her to bend over and tease her backside…Oh, so naughty!
    • Objectify your partner, they’re no more than a living sex doll, there to lavish your desires upon…Oh, the thrill of it all!
    • Role play master and slave and see how far you can push your ‘slave’ to indulge you in sexual indulgences; or maybe the slave is the one who suggests and enacts the indulgences. Really,... read more

    #129: Inviting A Third (or fourth or more…) - the right way to play

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 16, 2015

    The thought of sex with multiple partners can be deliciously arousing. The prospect of turning that fantasy into a reality though, can be fraught.

    For a start, I want to clarify that you don’t need to turn a fantasy into a reality. It can do it’s job turning you on quite nicely safely in the confines of your mind. Or take it one step further and spice up your sex life by sharing the idea with your partner; telling each other fantasies can be erotically charged without needing to act them out. This is especially true when the fantasy is potentially as dangerous as inviting other people into your love play.

    It can be done though, if it’s done very carefully.

    It might seem that I’m coming on a bit heavy about the safety aspect here, but I can’t tell you how many couples have come to me with damaged relationships due to mishandling this kind of thing.

    Inviting the neighbours over for a drink and getting smashed is not a good framework in which to explore swinging!

    It sounds funny reading it here, but the reality is far from amusing.

    This kind of... read more

    #126: Our Bodies Are the Best Sex Toy Ever

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 26, 2015

    You can certainly spice up your relationship with sex toys - there are thousands on the market to choose from.

    In fact the choice is so great it’d be easy to get lost in the choice and lose focus of what the main object of sexual pleasure actually is - your body.

    Yep, our bodies are exquisite sexual pleasure machines. We’re designed for pleasure and our bodies thrive on pleasure.

    The dexterity of hands and mouths, the feel of skin on skin, the electric connection between genitals, the look of your lover’s face and body, the sounds of love-making…

    …this is what makes sex great.

    Sex toys can add to the pleasure, they can create new and delicious sensations, for sure. But, if you focus on the toy rather than the body, then you won’t be present in your body nor connected with your partner’s body and the sensation won’t be as good.

    So if you want to have better sex, by all means experiment with sex toys, just remember that a dildo on it’s own never improved a relationship, it’s the connection between the two lovers and the way they use a toy to enhance that connection that counts.
    read more

    #122: DIY Porn - It’s A Fun Way to Add Spice to Your Love Life

    Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 28, 2015

    Lights - camera - action! Starring in your own porn show can be a fun way to spice up your sex life.

    With smart phones these days you can set up your own scene easily - just place it somewhere with a good angle and off you go. Film yourselves having normal sex, or set up a role play, whatever takes your fancy.

    Then when you’re done, keep it for posterity, or watch and delete. If you’re shy you don’t even have to watch, just being filmed might be erotic enough for you.

    If you’re more of an extrovert and like the idea of sharing your footage, there are plenty of websites where you can post your DIY porn. You absolutely don’t have to though, it can be simply a fun bit of private spice for the two of you.

    The same applies with an erotic photo shoot. You can turn it into a role play where one of you is the ‘professional photographer’ and one the ‘model’; or do a straight shoot simply because you like taking photos of each other. Again, in terms of what you do with the photos, well there’s the full spectrum from deleting immediately... read more

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