Let’s talk about that most erotic of organs – our brain.

I had a client come to me stating that he was “the Mr Bean of sex”, clueless. Some sessions later he summed up his learnings with “now I get that I have to be a whole lot more creative”.

Yep, if you rely on hormones and pheromones to run your sex life, you’ll have a very brief flourish of passion at the start and then it will all die away. That’s fine if all you want sex for is to reproduce; biologically speaking that initial frenzy of hormone-driven passion will ensure the continuation of the species. However, over the millenia it has been shown that human babies need a lot of attention to grow to successful adults who have babies of their own, so if their parents can stay bonded then their survival rate goes up. So thankfully our large brains mean that not only do we have the ability to cooperate in the raising of our children, we can also create the great sex that will make that cooperation so much easier.

That should be pretty straight-forward, but our overly clever brains are just as good at talking us out of taking a playful creative approach to sex as they are at allowing that creativity and play to flourish.

Those darn beliefs and ‘shoulds’ that get in the way. I’m sure that half my time with clients is spent examining limiting beliefs and helping people identify if they really are genuine disinterests or whether it’s actually a false belief that’s holding them back.

For example:

• If you think sex has to be at night, you’re missing out on opportunities during the day.
• If you think you can’t do it outside in case someone sees, you’re missing out on the titillation of possibly being caught.
• If you think you can’t get up to kinky mischief with your partner because they are the mother/father of your children, you’re limiting yourself.
• If you think it’s ‘silly’ for older lovers to play sexual games, you’ll miss out on a lot of fun.
• If you think the man should initiate and lead and be the one to introduce new activities, then you’ll miss out on what she has to offer.
• And if you think oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, erotic videos, crotchless knickers, latex catsuits, bondage, swinging, pain and pleasure or any other activity (as long as it’s between consenting adults) is wrong, evil, immoral and takes you straight to hell, well, it’s time to loosen up and push those boundaries a little.

Stop for a moment and think about something that turns you on, but you can’t help feeling that perhaps you ’shouldn’t’. Let’s say (to be a little controversial) you have a fantasy about rough sex, but you think that as a modern new age man you’d never dream of treating your wife like that, or as a modern woman with feminist sensibilities you’d never dream of being treated like that. Rather than condemning it outright (and secretly lusting for it), bring it out in the open and try it out. Have a safe word in case your boundaries start getting pushed a bit far, then play with it. Put on a pair of old (but still sexy) knickers so that he can rip them off with his teeth as he expresses his mad passion for you!
Get the idea?

Take the concept and play with it, pushing your boundaries a little. A desire for rough sex doesn’t mean a desire for actual rape. (If it does, you do need to see a psychologist. Similarly, with any desire that doesn’t involve consenting adults. Having sex with your wife dressed up as a schoolgirl is fine, actually having sex with a school girl is not.)

Now I’m certainly not saying that good sex is kinky sex, and that if you’re not having group sex at swingers parties then you’re a prude. Far from it. You can have extraordinarily beautiful sex under the covers in missionary position with the lights off, if that is what is genuinely erotic for you at the time. But if you’re having sex like that because you think it’s the only way you should have sex, and anything else is bad, then you’re preventing yourself from evolving sexually and reaching your sexual potential.

If the thought of something titillates you and would enlarge your spirit by doing it, then go ahead. Make the suggestion or request to your partner and don’t be shy. If you’re on the receiving end of the request or suggestion, be honest. If you fancy trying some light bondage for instance, suggest it. If your partner says no, or even “You’ve got to be joking!” then fine. But if it’s “Hmm, maybe ” then give it a go: put on those stilettos and little else, slowly peel off your stockings one by one and tie your partner to the bed, then force him to watch as you prance around (or slowly undo your tie or belt if you’re male and proceed as above)

Pushing your boundaries, owning your eroticism, is liberating. It frees you, allowing you both to surrender to the act.

It’s in the surrender that you find your way to heaven.

This is a practical activity to explore the polarities of giving and receiving, leading and following, from a place of equality.

Leading is Yang and giving is Yang. Following is Yin and receiving is Yin. When we combine these types of Yin and Yang we get four types of sexual expression: command, seduction, nurture/service and yielding.

Command is double yang as it is both leading and giving.
Yielding is double yin as it is both following and receiving.
Seduction is yin-yang as it is leading and receiving.
Nurture/Service is yin-yang as it is following and giving.

These four expressions have two polarities:

• The Seduction-Service polarity
• The Command-Yielding polarity

Exploring the Seduction-Service Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Seducer feels into the sense of being the leader and the receiver. They need to ‘draw’ the partner in energetically. When the Server feels the draw, they move towards the Seducer.

The Seducer will lead the Server to a location and then instruct the Server as what s/he would like done to themselves. A simple version of this is to ‘instruct the touch’ whereby the Seducer sits or lies down and quietly gives an on-going commentary requesting what they would like. Alternatively, you can ask for more complex pleasures (run me a bath, rub me with oil, undress me slowly, you undress slowly.)

Remember that the Seducer does this for mutual pleasure. The Server will want to do as the Seducer requests for their own pleasure as much as their partner’s. The Server does of course have the right to say no at any time.


Exploring the Command-Yielding Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Commander feels into the sense of being the leader and the giver. They need to ‘draw’ the partner in energetically. When the Yielder feels the draw, they move towards the Commander.

The Commander leads the Yielder to a place and proceeds to touch the Yielder for the Commander’s own pleasure. The Yielder simply offers their body for their partner’s pleasure. The simplest version is simply to touch with your hands, more complex versions are to add other implements, food, other sensory experiences.

Remember that the Commander does this for mutual pleasure. The Commander is creating an experience for the Yielder. The Yielder does of course have the right to give feedback or say stop at any time.

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

We’re talking extreme yang sex play here. Really unleashing the wild side and letting your most animalistic side take over. Rutting like wild cats. Biting, slapping, grasping hard, choking, seizing and pulling hair…

Rough sex takes an athlete’s devotion to physicality. You need strength, stamina, toughness, resilience. You have to be tough, both in the giving and receiving. You have to be physically robust to take rough sex. This robustness doesn’t have to be size, but the ability to flow with the activity, and the ability to absorb the energy of the activity and lose yourself in the pleasure of the passion.

You need to let go, get out of your head. Thinking your way into rough sex is as ineffective as thinking your way into gentle blissed-out sex.

Now, of course, there have to be limits. There have to rules of engagement. This is ravishment, not rape. So the first rule is consensual play. It takes two and if one doesn’t want to, for whatever reason, then there is no play, at least not this kind of play. Simple. There are plenty of other gorgeous sexual activities to engage in.

You need to pace yourself. You need to make sure that the ravishee in particular is good and warmed up. They need to be in a really heightened state of arousal, love-drunk to the max. Then their body becomes more pliable, and in that pliability more resilient.

The ravisher needs to pay attention to the ravishee’s responses. If it’s a little too strong, pull back in the intensity; if you feel you could go harder, ramp it up a bit. The ravishee needs to be in touch to modify the intensity if it’s too little or too much, there’s a subtle interplay between the two lovers as they are both reading and feeding back.

They’re both being open, both being vulnerable, both being real. They are both feeling and sharing their love. Engaging the heart is what takes rough sex from mere athleticism to something sublime, an intense opening of heart and body that is more akin to the divine.

When done well, it’s cathartic, through the feeling and through the vocal release. Grunts, groans, yells, snarls, cries and shrieks. You feel it, you let it out, you feel it more… You let the rapturous union consume you…

I’m always stressing that sex is playtime for grown-ups. Sex is about sharing pleasure. That means being creative and experimental and generally having fun with the whole thing.

One element of playtime is…toys! Yes, just as kids can play with toys, so can we grown-ups. It’s fun!

Occasionally people say to me, ‘But it’s unnatural to use sex toys’. Oh, for heaven’s sake, so is using a toothbrush, but I’m sure you use one every day.

In fact, I doubt sex toys are ‘unnatural’ at all, I’m sure they go back as long as humans have existed. One of the outstanding features of humans is our ability to be creative and devise tools and gadgets. Phallic shaped artefacts have been found all over the world from ancient times, and while the archeologists might call them ‘objects of worship’ or similar, I’m quite sure they had a more ‘practical’ use as well…

These days there are a huge number of toys available for us to play with:

· There are various vibrators for clitoral stimulation, vibrators and dildos for internal stimulation (front and back-door, for him as well as her – if you’re up for it, and there’s absolutely no pressure there), cock-rings for his and her pleasure.

· Then there are all sorts of lotions and potions and ticklers and other yummy things for sensual play (my favourite sex toy at the moment is candles that melt into massage oil – so warm and sensual!).

· There are items to restrain your partner, from feathered handcuffs and silken blindfolds to some seriously hardcore chains and things.

· There are dress-ups and costumes for role-plays and simply for sexy dressing (and un-dressing!)

· And I’d include erotic literature too, because that can either inspire you in your sexual play, or become part of it – reading erotica aloud while your partner tries to distract you can be a lot of fun…

Using toys in your sexual play can free you up to be more playful, more expressive and through that to have a more connected and pleasurable experience.

What type of toys you get is completely up to you. Go on-line and have a browse, that in itself can be a fun activity. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and your partner doing that. Remember always to take things lightly – it’s no different to browsing the smorgasbord at a restaurant.

An on-line store I highly recommend is: Max Black - www.maxblack.com.au. This is because this site (and also the store) is classy and tasteful and the products are top quality.

What do I mean by classy, tasteful and top quality? Well, for a start, the aesthetics. Call me a snob, but I always say that if you can’t put your sex toy on your mantlepiece it’s too tacky.

Just as important is the material they’re made from. Sex toys are supposed to enhance your life, so make sure they’re healthy – avoid any made with the plastic softener called phthalates, they’ve been found to cause cancer. (Phthlates have been banned in Australia in children’s toys, that same respect for health has not been extended to adult’s toys. Yet another example, I think, of the powers that be not taking sex seriously. Like not having sex therapy rebated on Medicare – ahh, but that’s another story and I’ll get off my soap box now.)

So, get shopping, get creative and play!

The poor anus, it can get left out. The whole body is responsive to touch and pleasure, and the anal area more so than most, yet it has a reputation for being ‘dirty’ and for anal play to be somewhat ‘sordid’. But think of deep connection, waves of pleasure, ecstatic thrills throughout your body.

…that sounds beautiful and desirable, but does it sound anal? Not if your idea of anal sex is something that’s dirty or sordid. Yet it’s perfectly possible to include ‘backdoor’ pleasures within a sensual, connected approach to sex.

The whole pelvic region area is so full of good bits - masses of nerve endings, engorging material - that with the right approach almost any stimulation in the area can feel good, including anal.

Stress the phrase: “with the right approach”.

For a start, if you’re not interested, you’re not interested, and if your partner is not interested, that’s fine, there’s no reason why anyone should like anal play if it’s not their thing. It would be like trying to force someone to like Brussels sprouts. Although having said that, it’s possible they don’t like Brussels sprouts because of the way they are cooked. Brussels sprouts that have been boiled to death are horrible. If they’re lightly steamed then sautéed with some garlic and bacon, well, that’s a whole other story…

So just because you think you’re not interested in anal play, it could be because you’ve never tried it lightly steamed then sautéed, so to speak. That is, it could be your approach.

Anal play can only be enjoyably indulged in when you are very aroused. It has to be something that you really want to do. Forced anal sex, and by that I mean forcing yourself when you’re not ready, is never going to be good. That will make you feel dirty and sordid. Do it when you are highly aroused, feeling deeply connected, and approach it with sensuality and desire, however…then that’s a whole different story.

So, make sure there’s plenty of yummy activity before you even consider it. Then gradually introduce some light touching on the outside; increasing to some gentle probing, and only if the person really wants it would you go deeper inside. Keep in mind this could take months or years to get to this point, if ever. If you just like some light external stimulation, that’s great, that’s all you ever need do.

If you do feel like internal stimulation though, then go for it. There are two rules. One is that anything that goes inside an anus must not then go inside a vagina, as you’ll transfer germs. So, either put a condom over the finger, toy or penis that is going into the anus and remove it before inserting into a vagina, or keep some wet-wipes handy and give it a good clean (soap and water is best).

Second must-obey rule, is that if you’re using a toy, make sure it has a handle so there’s no way it can get lost inside. An embarrassing trip to casualty to retrieve the missing object would not be pleasant…

To get used to having something inserted in your back end, start small, and go gradually. As the item is going in, relax and push out gently with your anal muscles, then pull in. Feel like you’re drawing the item in, rather than it being forced in. It’s always tricky until you get through the sphincter muscle, then it’s usually easier. If you’re the one doing the inserting, avoid going too intensely once you’re in. If you want the delicious ecstatic type feelings, then you need to keep the stimulation to a minimum.

(You can of course engage in harder, ‘dirtier’ anal play if that’s what turns you on, my point is that it doesn’t have to be done that way.)

Plenty of people, male and female, enjoy anal play. It can be great combined with other oral or manual stimulation or when playing when toys. It certainly doesn’t have to be with a penis, or with something penis-sized - unless you like that! There’s no end goal, bigger is not better, it’s just whatever gives you pleasure.

So don’t leave your poor anus out of your sexual play! It might like to play too. And you might find all sorts of new and wonderful experiences and sensations opening up if you do!

Fairy tales are not all ‘happy ever after’ there’s a lot of wickedness in them, and that wickedness can be alluring.

Children love wickedness and adults can too…

Wickedness often manifests in power plays. Handing over power can be erotic and receiving the power can be erotic.

Keep in mind though, this can only be erotic if there is safety and respect. And this means a lot of preparation in talking and understanding and planning. Otherwise, it’s abuse, and there’s nothing positive about abusive wickedness.

But erotic wickedness, now there’s something potentially to luxuriate in.

If this doesn’t appeal at all, then move on to the next blog post. But if it has you feeling curious, then read on…

Hand over power to your partner for your shared indulgence…and see what wickedness can ensue!

Such as...

• Tie him up and slather cream all over him and slowly, slowly lick it off…Oh, the exquisite torture!
• Order her to bend over and tease her backside…Oh, so naughty!
• Objectify your partner, they’re no more than a living sex doll, there to lavish your desires upon…Oh, the thrill of it all!
• Role-play master and slave and see how far you can push your ‘slave’ to indulge you in sexual indulgences; or maybe the slave is the one who suggests and enacts the indulgences. Really, who is pleasuring whom…

Tapping into your ‘wicked’ side, when done positively, is tapping into your erotic imagination. It can give you a charge, a thrill, which can be expressed inventively, creatively.

Just as the fairy tale storytellers have enchanted and delighted readers for ages, so can you enchant and delight each other when you let flow your erotic wickedness…

The thought of sex with multiple partners can be deliciously arousing. The prospect of turning that fantasy into a reality though, can be fraught.

For a start, I want to clarify that you don’t need to turn a fantasy into a reality. It can do its job turning you on quite nicely safely in the confines of your mind. Or take it one step further and spice up your sex life by sharing the idea with your partner; telling each other fantasies can be erotically charged without needing to act them out. This is especially true when the fantasy is potentially as dangerous as inviting other people into your love play.

It can be done though, if it’s done very carefully.

It might seem that I’m coming on a bit heavy about the safety aspect here, but I can’t tell you how many couples have come to me with damaged relationships due to mishandling this kind of thing.

Inviting the neighbours over for a drink and getting smashed is not a good framework in which to explore swinging!

It sounds funny reading it here, but the reality is far from amusing.

This kind of play only works well if you approach it as a strong couple, clear on your expectations, understanding why you’re doing it, constantly communicating where you’re at, and being ready to support your partner or ask for support if you need it.

So, firstly, if you’re going to consider inviting in someone for a threesome, or a couple for swinging foursome, or get involved in group sex…you have to talk about it.

What is your fantasy - is it another man, another woman, another couple, a group of strangers? Someone you know, someone you don’t know at all?

Why do you want to be with more than just your partner? What is it about the encounter that turns you on?

What do you actually want to do? Watch your partner with someone else, be watched, or all play together? Do you want to have intercourse with the other player(s), or are they there to add to the excitement while you only have intercourse, or even any genital contact, with your partner?

These are really important questions, and you need to be clear about the answers, so that you’re going into the encounter well prepared, on the same team, and supportive of each other.

During the encounter you also need to be there for each other, checking that the other is ok , and signalling that you are too. You need to have ways of showing your partner if you’re not ok. And most importantly, if your partner needs to slow down or stop, that’s perfectly fine, even if you’re enjoying it yourself. Your bond as a couple overrides any immediate pleasure you’re having. You (plural) come first.

Then, after an encounter with other players, have a good debrief - not only does this allow the erotic enjoyment to linger as you talk through all the good bits, you also share any challenging moments, and generally strengthen your bond.

So, if that all sounds appealing, and you’re willing to do it right, then I’d say you’re right to give it a go!

You can certainly spice up your relationship with sex toys - there are thousands on the market to choose from.

In fact the choice is so great it’d be easy to get lost in the choice and lose focus of what the main object of sexual pleasure actually is - your body.

Yep, our bodies are exquisite sexual pleasure machines. We’re designed for pleasure and our bodies thrive on pleasure.

The dexterity of hands and mouths, the feel of skin on skin, the electric connection between genitals, the look of your lover’s face and body, the sounds of love-making…

…this is what makes sex great.

Sex toys can add to the pleasure, they can create new and delicious sensations, for sure. But, if you focus on the toy rather than the body, then you won’t be present in your body nor connected with your partner’s body and the sensation won’t be as good.

So if you want to have better sex, by all means experiment with sex toys, just remember that a dildo on it’s own never improved a relationship, it’s the connection between the two lovers and the way they use a toy to enhance that connection that counts.

Lights - camera - action! Starring in your own porn show can be a fun way to spice up your sex life.

With smart phones these days you can set up your own scene easily - just place it somewhere with a good angle and off you go. Film yourselves having normal sex, or set up a role play, whatever takes your fancy.

Then when you’re done, keep it for posterity, or watch and delete. If you’re shy you don’t even have to watch, just being filmed might be erotic enough for you.

If you’re more of an extrovert and like the idea of sharing your footage, there are plenty of websites where you can post your DIY porn. You absolutely don’t have to though, it can be simply a fun bit of private spice for the two of you.

The same applies with an erotic photo shoot. You can turn it into a role play where one of you is the ‘professional photographer’ and one the ‘model’; or do a straight shoot simply because you like taking photos of each other. Again, in terms of what you do with the photos, well there’s the full spectrum from deleting immediately through to posting online. That’s completely up to you and your personal taste.

And if you prefer your DIY porn live, use mirrors! Mirrors on the walls, ceiling, wardrobe doors, even as a bedhead can be brilliant. In certain positions you can watch the whole action, at other times you just get enticing glimpses. A mirror is particularly good for watching your partner’s face in positions where you’re not facing each other.

Hey, combine video with mirrors - see how creative you can get!

Set it up…aaaand Action!