If you want to spice up your sex life, it's got to be real. There's no point faking it. That would be like putting fake spices into a curry - it might look good, but if it tastes terrible there's no point. If you fake sexual pleasure, you're deceiving your partner and you'll end up frustrated and resentful.

Fake it till you make it might work in some parts of life, but not with sex.

I had a client once who came to me after faking orgasm with her husband for seven years. She wanted me to help her become orgasmic with him without actually telling him she'd ever faked it.

What a dilemma!

She had two choices: 1) confess that she'd been faking it and work with him to become orgasmic again: or 2) not tell him anything and replace the fake orgasms with real orgasms.

I would have preferred if she'd gone with option #1 as it's so much easier to make changes to a couple's love life if they are both involved. But she felt he'd be devastated if she admitted she'd been faking it for so long (probably with good reason), so went for option #2.

It was the trickier option, but it did actually work (whew!). To do so she needed to take more control of their lovemaking, expand their sexual repertoire, improve the lead-up to sex and learn a lot more about her own body and sex in general.

Fortunately, that time the transition from being fake to being real succeeded. But, you know, wouldn't it have been a lot easier if she'd never started faking it in the first place!

Ladies, please, I ask you to put one hand over your heart and raise the other and say out loud: I will not fake orgasm.

Now say it again, more firmly and with conviction:

I WILL NOT FAKE ORGASM!

Excellent. Now stick to that resolve.

You could possibly be excused if you were with someone for the first time and were absolutely sure you'd never see him again but why let him think he's done something he hasn't? It's just setting the next woman up for failure. Or maybe if you're in a long-term relationship and usually orgasm but for some reason you're too tired or something and aren't going to make it. But in that case why not tell him you're not going to make it and just enjoy the closeness?

Sex is not just about orgasm. It's the journey not the destination.

People are so obsessed with the Big 'O' these days, that men feel inadequate if they don't give their partner an orgasm (or several) and women feel inadequate if they don't have an orgasm. This all adds to performance anxiety, which actually makes the likelihood of causing/having an orgasm even less.

Chill out! You don't have to have/cause an orgasm! Of course, it's a wonderful part of sex, but it's not obligatory. If you're having on-going problems with orgasm then it's worth the both of you focusing on ways to enable orgasm - note that I say both of you; and to do so in an inspired, playful way, rather than a got-to-have-an-orgasm-at-all-costs kind of way. That all or nothing thinking leads to faking it and faking leads to on-going problems.

So ladies, never fake it. And guys, don't take it as a personal affront if she doesn't make it. Get playful, get creative, and you'll have so much fun there won't be a need for any faking.

Note: And if you're a man who fakes it, and there are plenty who do. The same applies to you.

Prostate massage can be great for a man - great orgasms, better sex. You have to go in through the bum hole though, so it’s not for everyone. But if you’re game, it can feel fantastic.

Now, you don’t want to go “barrelling down to the anus” (to misquote Monty Python), he needs to be warmed up to anal touch. Make sure he’s good and relaxed, you’ve got music playing, soft lighting, whatever makes him (and you as the massager) feel comfortable.

As the massager, you might like to wear a latex glove for cleanliness, or to reduce the ‘ick’ factor of putting your finger up someone’s bum, even if it is your beloved’s bum. (Let’s face it, an asshole can be a cute and endearing part of the anatomy, but it can be a little noisome on the inside).

Here’s how you do it:

• Start with sensual touch of his whole body.Touch lovingly, slowly, with focus. Move firmly from ankles up his legs to his buttocks and give them a good massage. Rub across his sacrum to warm up the whole area.

• Then ask him to roll on to his side, back or front. If he’s on his side he’ll need to be in ‘rescue position’ with the top leg bent forward a little; if he’s on his back he’ll need his knees bent and feet flat; on his front he just needs his legs spread, and maybe a pillow under his hips to raise them up a bit.

• Rub your hands up his thigh and between his buttock cheeks, up and down, in fairly firm long strokes.

• Then massage his perineum (that’s the area between his anus and scrotum) with your thumb or the second joint of your index finger. Rub, press, vibrate.

• Then touch with your fingers from his tail bone down between his cheeks, across his anus, touching and circling a little as you cross his anus, and onwards across his perineum to his scrotum, and back again. You can cup his balls gently at the end of the movement, or stroke his balls and penis, before turning and going back through to his tailbone again.

• When you feel he’s ready, and you can always ask to be sure, put a little lubricant on your thumb, gently rest your thumb on his anus and with gentle pressure slowly push your way in. The receiver breathes with the sensation, feeling as though he is ‘breathing’ your thumb in.

• Once inside a little, feel around for the prostate. It’s a bump on his tummy side, just an inch or so on the inside. Once you’ve found it, run your thumb forward and back, floating over the prostate. Do the same to either side as well, to the 2 o’clock and 10 o’clock positions. You can gently swirl your thumb over the prostate, and experiment with gentle pushing or pulsing over the spot as well.

• When he’s had enough, slowly remove your thumb, with a sense of him ‘breathing’ it out. Rest your thumb on the outside.

• Finish with resting your hands on his body, sacrum and upper back if he’s lying on his front; hip and shoulder if he’s on his side; and chest and just above his penis, or actually cupping his penis if he’s lying on his front.

• And he’ll probably like a good cuddle too!

Of course, anything can be fabulous! Double entry with gherkins stuffed up your nose could be fabulous - if it’s something you genuinely desire, it’s consensual and practiced safely.

As I constantly repeat: it’s not what you, do it’s how you do it.

If you ever think you ‘should’ do something sexual, whether it’s to be cool, or because your partner wants you to, or because you think it’s what everyone else does, but you don’t really want to - then don’t do it.

So, back to the topic of fisting. If you subject yourself unwillingly to fisting because you think you should, for any of the above or any other reason, then no, it won’t be fabulous, it will be awful and probably traumatic.

If, however, the thought of having your lover’s entire fist inside you gives you a shiver of erotic anticipation, even if that shiver is tinged with a touch of trepidation due to the unknown - well, give it a go. Assuming of course that your partner has an equal desire to put their entire fist inside you.

I’m going to refer to vaginal fisting here. Anal fisting is of course a possibility, in which case follow this general procedure but with a lot more lube.

Here’s how you do it:

• First, set the scene and set the rules, so to speak. The receiver needs to be relaxed and comfortable. You both need to agree that you’re proceeding at the receiver’s pace, and that she’ll let the partner know if she needs proceedings to slow down or stop.

• Then, she needs to be aroused. When a woman is aroused and relaxed her vagina will relax and open, so make sure there’s plenty of kissing and stroking all over and whatever kind of genital stimulation gets her relaxed and aroused.

• Fister: have plenty of lube on hand (that’s a pun!), even if you can get your fingers in chances are you’ll need it for the base of the hand. And most importantly, take your time. Go very very slowly. First one finger, then two, then three. Once they’re all in you can gently but firmly apply pressure to ease the hand in so that the little finger and most of the thumb is in. And then the widest part of the hand, around the base of the thumb will the hardest, but gently gently, applying steady pressure, or alternating pressure with release so there’s more of a slow pulse to enter, or twist your wrist and spiral your way in…and you’re in.

• Receiver: focus on breathing and relaxing your body, particularly your hips and pelvis, feeling that you are opening your body and inviting your partner in deeper and deeper.

• Or not, if it’s too much. You can stop at any time, and that’s perfectly fine.

• Fister, if you do make it in, and she’s enjoying the sensation, then you can waggle your fingers and move around a bit, explore, experiment - always focusing on her response and her enjoyment.

• And then slowly, slowly ease your way out.

• Then give her time to recover, as it’s a pretty intense experience. Check to see what she needs, a cuddle, her hand held, time to come back to normal, a cup of tea…

That’s fisting in a nutshell, and if that appeals and feels good when you do it, then fist away! For you fisting can indeed be fabulous.

And if doesn’t appeal, or you’ve tried it and it hasn’t done anything for you, then take it off the menu and do things that are fabulous for you.

I don’t really like using a cheesy romance as a basis for sex education, but hey, with all the fuss about 50 Shades The Movie, here I go.

But before I do, let’s clarify a few things:

1. It’s a story not a documentary.

2. Research has shown that people who engage in BDSM are more psychologically stable than the population as a whole.

3. The final scene would not happen in real life if he was as experienced as portrayed.

Now, to the content. Overall, just like the book, it’s Mills & Boon meets BDSM. It’s romance genre, it’s not meant to be taken seriously. Just as no-one takes Game of Thrones seriously - I’ve just watched all four series and have never been exposed to so much rape, carnage, violence, abuse, sadism, and general Machiavellian nastiness in my life. But hey, it’s good entertainment!

The movie, like the book, is about two people developing a relationship, interspersed with some soft porn scenes which are titillating, if mild sensual BDSM is part of your personal eroticism, bewildering or even disturbing if it’s not.

The difference between the movie and the book: in the book you turn the page after that awful scene where he seriously hurts her - and he’s completely horrified that she hadn’t used her safe word. In the movie it leaves you hanging having just viewed what looks suspiciously like domestic violence.

One of the essential requirements to expanding sexual play in any way is mutual responsibility. The more out there you go, the more important it is that you communicate with your partner about how you’re finding the experience, and your partner responds positively to that communication.

This is essentially what differentiates BDSM from domestic violence: mutual consent, equal participation, mutual responsibility.

She should have let him know it was too much for her.

Having said that, he should have realised that he was going too hard. That’s the most unrealistic part of the movie, an experienced dom like him would never be so unaware.

It’s like wearing a seatbelt when driving a car, you have a safe word when playing with BDSM. If you don’t, you might be fine most of the time, but if it goes bad it will be much worse without the seatbelt/safeword.

She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt, and admittedly he was driving too fast. Neither were playing safe, and they both got hurt.

All sexual interaction, straight, kinky, whatever, is supposed to be about pleasure.

If it’s not pleasurable, don’t do it.

And if you do it, play safe.

Simple.

Grab a tie, or a stocking, and wrap it around your partner’s wrists. Then kiss them.

There you go, that’s bondage.

Although in fact you don’t even need an implement of restraint, you can just tell your partner not to move, and if they agree and don’t, then that’s bondage too!

Being restrained while making love, engaging in sexual play, can be one way to heighten sensation, arousal and erotic pleasure. And as with all elements of eroticism, your sexual taste, you can go as far as you like. Some people will be happy with draping a scarf loosely around their partner’s wrists, others will have hooks built into the wall with chains and cuffs attached. Enjoy it in any way you find mutually enjoyable.

Other slightly ‘scarier’ household items would include belts or plastic wrap. Then you can purchase rope, cable ties, chain from the hardware. Or go to an adult shop and buy coloured rope (it comes in all sorts of pretty colours), bondage tape (pvc tape that sticks to itself without adhesive), handcuffs (which also range from fluffy pink lambswool through to hard-core metal), or bondage cuffs (which also can be made from silk, feathers, velvet, suede, leather or metal).

Some people get into the art of bondage, or Shibari, to use the Japanese name. It really is an art form and takes years of practice to master. At the most basic level it’s simply a reef knot to bind the person, at it’s more complex there are all kinds of intricacies of rope work. It can be extremely beautiful and erotic.

Shibari is all about deep connection, sensuality, beauty and poetry.

For the person wielding the rope, it is used as a sensual item for their partner’s pleasure. In addition there is the satisfaction in the expression of their skill with the rope, and pleasure in the appreciation of the receiver giving up their control.

For the person being tied, there is a wonderful sense of being held and letting go, which leads to a state often called rope-drunk, sub-space, an altered state of consciousness, of bliss.

As I keep stressing, there is mutual responsibility here. Each person needs to communicate with the other how they’re going, and letting them know if it’s too much. The focus is always on mutual pleasure.

Then, what do you do once your partner is tied…? Well, whatever takes your fancy and they consent to! It could be pretty straightforward sex, it could be sensual play with feathers and food, it could be more hard-core playing with impact and pain. You can explore wherever your mutual curiosity and pleasure take you…

I did a great radio show on this topic with Hebari, who’s a master of the art of Shibari. You can listen to it here

He tied me up as we did the show (which apparently makes for amusing radio as the left side of my brain was switching off and speech was a challenge…). Here are some photos:

Sensual, tantric play heightens pleasure and so can kinky play. Put the two together and you go places - to Sub-Space and Dom-Space.

Playing with dominance and submission is about playing with the yin and yang of sexuality. When done with extreme connection and respect it is a beautiful experience.

Many people have concerns about dominance and submission because it harks back to the bad old days when women had no choice but to be submissive to men, in all areas of life. As I’ve explained in my previous blog articles (see A History of Sexual Misinformation), the imbalance between the masculine and feminine in society led to a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. True Dominant-Submissive play requires a meeting of equals, there’s no servility required (at least, not on the Sub’s part, you could argue that in fact it’s the Dom(me) who is serving the Sub).

What we’re really talking about is ‘command’ and ‘receptivity’. It is not gender-related, a woman can be a Domme as much as a man can be a Dom, and plenty of people are Switches, that is, they like to take both roles. Although most people will have an erotic preference, that is, one role will be more erotically moving for them, and enable them to have a deeper, more satisfying experience than the other. In my case for example, while I love to give my partner beautiful sensual experiences in the dominant role, it doesn’t move me or take me places anywhere near the depth that being in the submissive role does; and for him it’s the opposite.

When a Dom(me) can ‘hold the space’ for the Sub, the Sub can completely let go, and in letting go can enter Sub-Space, a divinely blissful state. In seeing and feeling their partner go to such a beautiful place, knowing they’ve opened and surrendered to them, the Dom(me) goes into Dom-Space, feeling desired and powerful and able to surrender to themselves, freeing them to pleasure themselves with their Sub.

The skill here is for the Dom(me) to be able to hold the space. This requires a deep, deep stillness and calmness. It’s as though the Dom(me) becomes a deep tranquil pool in which the Sub can bathe themselves. Any worry, anxiety, arrogance, or disrespect on the Dom(me)’s part will bring the Sub out of that space, as will too much speed.

The skill for the Sub, assuming the Dom(me) is being as just described, is to let go. This requires an ability to get out of their head and fully feel into the experience. The relating has a sense of ritual to it. It is meditative. It is like a dance.

To enter that space the Dom(me) and Sub need to agree on the nature of the interaction, the boundaries, and have ways of indicating if either of them need to stop or lessen intensity (through safe words and safe signals). For this level of trust, the conversation beforehand is essential.

The greater the bond between the two, the further they can go in their explorations, using elements of restraint, pleasure/pain, teasing and command.

Sensual Kink can be a wonderful place to explore. It's not for everybody, you may not be sure it’s for you or your partner. But hey, it might be, and wouldn’t it open up a whole range of possibilities? Start with a blindfold and some strawberries at the most basic level, and see where your explorations take you…

What would you like to do sexually if you were brave enough to do it?

And let’s be honest here, what would you like to do if you could be sure that it would be a wonderful experience and couldn’t possibly go terribly wrong?

There might also be that niggling thought of whether your fantasy is good/moral/healthy/won’t-send-me-straight-to-hell. Just for the sake of argument here, let’s go with the concept that any consensual activity between consenting living adult humans is ok. So if you want to do it and the person/people you’re doing it with want to do it too, then all good.

Now there might be problems if the person agreeable to engage in a fantasy with you is not your partner. That could preclude the fantasy, but not necessarily.

You see, the most important thing here is communicating what your fantasy is. Or if you don’t even know what your fantasy is or could be, finding enjoyable enlightening ways of talking about possibilities.

It takes good communication skills to be able to open up without fear of rejection or negativity on your partner’s part. That’s why I stress the importance of good communication, without it your sexual relationship will stay limited and most probably contract.

It doesn’t have to be heavy though, in fact it should be fun. Sex is play-time for grown-ups remember and talking about it should be just as much fun.

So, you could read some erotica together, or watch erotic movies and talk about what you did and didn’t like about the content. If there are elements of mutual erotic interest, then you can have a chat about how you could introduce that kind of play into your own sexual play. Notice that I say, ‘that kind of play’, it doesn’t have to be identical. Often what we see or read about is more extreme than what we’d like to do ourselves, particularly if it’s a new, rather scary concept. So, tone it down a bit. If the idea of sex in a restaurant gets you excited, it doesn’t mean you have to run down to your local cheap and cheerful Chinese and bare all. You might just play footsies under the table without knickers on. If you do want to go the whole way, you might want to research dark restaurants with private booths and discrete waiting staff.

The point is that you have to make it your own.

You can also play games with each other along the lines of spin the bottle, truth and dare, you tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine.

Or start telling an erotic story, then take it in turns to add to the story. It’s amazing what you can find out about each other when you play this game. At the very least you can have good giggle. Start with something like: “It was a dark stormy night when you walked in out of the cold carrying an unusual brown paper bag. You placed in front of me with a peculiar look in your eye and said.” And then your partner continues

Keep in mind that not all fantasies have to be acted out. It might be a bit hard to get a whole football team to fit in the bedroom anyway. Not to mention that historical or sci-fi or other fantastical fantasies can’t be done. Just the sharing can be erotic fun though, and it can provide inspiration for more everyday loving.

I was asked these questions recently for a women’s magazine:

1. Why is playing dress ups in the bedroom (whether it be naughty nurse or Roman Gladiator) so much fun for a couple?

Because pretending to be someone else can free you up to be less inhibited. You can try things you wouldn’t normally do because it’s not ‘you’ doing it, it’s your character. It’s also just fun and silly, and when you’re doing things that are fun and silly you feel happier and therefore the whole experience is more enjoyable.

2. How should a woman suggest a dress-up session to her partner?

Playfully! This is play-time for grown-ups, so the suggestion needs to set the mood. You might be watching a movie that gives you an idea, or reading a book: “Ooh, sweetheart, Captain Jack Sparrow is so sexy, how about we play pirates, and I can be your captive, that is, if you can subdue me!”

3. What are your tips for couples wanting to play dress ups? (e.g. make sure you stay in character? have lots of fun accessories? Leave on parts of the outfit even when you get down to business? etc)

Costumes and props certainly help set the mood and let you get into character, and the planning and shopping can add to the anticipation - which is very good for building desire! But then again, it might be a spontaneous decision - you’re Little Red Riding Hood to his Big Bad Wolf, and there’s no time for dress-up, you just have to run, fast!!

4. Is there a certain position or sexual act you can recommend when playing dress ups?

That all depends on what you’re playing! If you’re the Policewoman interrogating the very very bad criminal, you’ll probably be behaving quite differently than if you’re the Roman Emperor’s favourite sex slave, if you get my drift.

So don’t think about things like acts and positions, overthinking will get in the way. Let yourselves go into the fantasy and allow whatever happens to happen, you may be surprised at just how creative you can be!

I’ve written elsewhere about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately, most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it must be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

I do want to stress though, that in this society it’s not easy to be non-monogamous, and I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone should be. However, it does work for some people. I often work with couples (and triads) exploring non-monogamy and help them decide if it is for them and if so how to go about it safely and respectfully.

Whether it’s something you’re considering for yourselves, or if you’re just curious about possibilities, here is a description of different approaches to consensual non-monogamy.

Polyamory
This is where a person has more than one committed relationship going on at the same time. The founding belief is that you can love more than one person at a time, and you can have a committed loving on-going sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

In this situation you generally don’t have a primary ‘couple’ as such, although it can be that two people are married and one or both also has one or more other committed relationships. (You can imagine that polyamorous ‘families’, as they’re often termed, can get quite complex in structure!) These types of relationship structures can be quite fluid and organic as partners grow and change.

Swinging
This is where a committed couple have sex with other people at the same time. They do not have sex with other people on their own or without their partner being present.

Each couple will have their own rules about what they agree to do. Generally, the options are;

• play with other people, but no intercourse or no genital interaction;
• play with other women only;
• play with other men only;
• one plays while the other watches;
• only play with other couples;
• watch other people but only have sex with themselves;
• play freely within a certain situation such as at a swingers party or swingers club.

It’s important that a couple who get into swinging continually check in on each other to make sure both are comfortable with what’s going on and take it slowly.

Open Relationship
This is where a couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people. They remain the primary couple at all times, and each is the primary partner to the other. Any other sexual interactions are secondary, and the primary relationship takes precedence.

Each couple will have their own rules around how this is possible, such as:

• only when you’re out of town;
• not with friends;
• only with people of a certain sex;
• tell all;
• tell bits;
• don’t tell all;
• ask me first;
• only once a year (or some other time frame).

The key thing to successful non-monogamous relationships is that it is done:

• respectfully
• safely
• with continuous communication
• with continual openness to renegotiate.

When done like this, non-monogamy can offer a broader, more satisfying approach to relating than the serial monogamy approach to relationships that are the norm in this society. As I've mentioned before, I believe we are all on a continuum of monogamy, with some of us completely monogamous and some of us completely non-monogamous and most of us somewhere in-between.

If you choose the standard monogamy option, that tends to be easier as the 'rules' are established by society rather than the couple (although even then most couples will have to set their own rules around levels of acceptable interaction and friendships with people of the opposite sex). If you choose non-monogamy then you have to set your own rules, and that means complete honesty and excellent communication, plus a willingness to experiment, make mistakes and continually reassess and evolve.

It's not for everyone, but it can and does work. And one thing's for sure, the standard dual option of pure monogamy or deceitful infidelity is not the answer.

If you’re interested in finding out more, I recommend the excellent books The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy and Polyamory – the new love without limitsby Dr D M Anapol.

 

Regular 69 can be pretty challenging, receiving and giving focused pleasure at the same time - aargh!

And if you’re still stuck in the belief that genital stimulation has to lead to orgasm, it's even worse - how can you orgasm when you’re distracted with giving the pleasure, or vice versa??

I’m more an exponent of Languid 69.

You still get the benefit of focusing on each other’s lovely genitals, without such intense simultaneous stimulation.

So lie together in your standard 69 position: top to toe, heads and hands at the level of each other’s pelvises.

Then take it in turns to focus on your partner. One receives while the other gives delectable oral pleasure. The receiver gives most of their attention to the receiving, while cupping their hands over their partner’s genitals, or playing with them lightly. Then, with ease and grace, you swap roles, with the focused giver becoming the focused receiver and the light giver becoming the light receiver.

What’s so lovely about this approach to oral sex is that it is languid. There is no on-going or increasing intensity (although there might be moments or periods of fervour). The aim is not to get the other off, simply to share delicious pleasure.

A gorgeous connection and flow of energy is maintained by the coupling between both lovers’ pelvises and heads or hands. Yet this continues in a non-distracting way, because the one giving the focused pleasure is not distracted by intense pleasure on their own genitals. The receiver of the focused pleasure only touches the other in a gentle way.

So there is more flow than in standard 69 and more connection than simply taking it in turns to go down on each other.

The flow from one to the other is natural, as the receiver of the focused pleasure moves their attention to greater focus on their partner, and they in turn lessen focus and receive.

This can go on for hours and hours.