If you want to spice up your sex life, it’s got to be real. There’s no point faking it. That would be like putting fake spices into a curry - it might look good, but if it tastes terrible there’s no point. If you fake sexual pleasure you’re deceiving your partner and you’ll end up frustrated and resentful.

Prostate massage can be great for a man - great orgasms, better sex. You have to go in through the bum hole though, so it’s not for everyone. But if you’re game, it can feel fantastic.

Now, you don’t want to go “barreling down to the anus” (to misquote Monty Python), he needs to be warmed up to anal touch. Make sure he’s good and relaxed, you’ve got music playing, soft lighting, whatever makes him (and you as the massager) feel comfortable.

• Start with sensual touch of his whole body. Touch lovingly, slowly, with focus. Move firmly from ankles up his legs to his buttocks and give them a good massage. Rub across his sacrum to warm up the whole area.

• Then ask him to roll on to his side, back or front.... read more

Of course, anything can be fabulous! Double entry with gerkins stuffed up your nose could be fabulous - if it’s something you genuinely desire, it’s consensual and practiced safely.

As I constantly repeat: it’s not what you, do it’s how you do it.

If you ever think you ‘should’ do something sexual, whether it’s to be cool, or because your partner wants you to, or because you think it’s what everyone else does, but you don’t really want to - then don’t do it.

I don’t really like using a cheesy romance as a basis for sex education, but hey, with all the fuss about 50 Shades The Movie, here I go.

But before I do, let’s clarify a few things:

1. It’s a story not a documentary.

Grab a tie, or a stocking, and wrap it around your partner’s wrists. Then kiss them.

There you go, that’s bondage.

Although in fact you don’t even need an implement of restraint, you can just tell your partner not to move, and if they agree and don’t, then that’s bondage too!

Being restrained while making love, engaging in sexual play, can be one way to heighten sensation, arousal and erotic pleasure. And as with all elements of eroticism, your sexual taste, you can go as far as you like. Some people will be happy with draping a scarf loosely around their partner’s wrists, others will have hooks built into the wall with chains and cuffs attached. Enjoy it in any way you find mutually enjoyable.

Other slightly ‘scarier’ household items would include belts or plastic wrap. Then you can purchase rope, cable ties, chain from the hardware. Or go to an adult shop and buy coloured rope (it comes in all sorts of pretty colours), bondage tape (pvc tape that sticks to itself without adhesive), handcuffs (which also range from fluffy pink lambswool through to hard-core metal), or bondage cuffs (which also can be made from silk, feathers, velvet, suede, leather or metal).

Some people get into the... read more

Sensual, tantric play heightens pleasure and so can kinky play. Put the two together and you go places - to Sub-Space and Dom-Space.

Playing with dominance and submission is about playing with the yin and yang of sexuality. When done with extreme connection and respect it is a beautiful experience.

 

What would you like to do sexually if you were brave enough to do it?

And, let’s be honest here, what would you like to do if you could be sure that it would be a wonderful experience and couldn’t possibly go terribly wrong?

I was asked these questions recently for a women’s magazine:

1.Why is playing dress ups in the bedroom (whether it be naughty nurse or Roman Gladiator) so much fun for a couple?

2.How should a woman suggest a dress-up session to her man?

3.What are your tips for couples wanting to play dress ups? (eg make sure you stay... read more

I’ve written elsewhere about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it has to be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

 

Regular 69 can be pretty challenging, receiving and giving focused pleasure at the same time - aargh!

And if you’re still stuck in the belief that genital stimulation has to lead to orgasm, it's even worse - how can you orgasm when you’re distracted with giving the pleasure, or vice versa??

I’m more an exponent of Languid 69.

You still get the benefit of focusing on each other’s lovely genitals, without such intense simultaneous stimulation.

So lie together in your standard 69 position: top to toe, heads and hands at the level of each other’s pelvises.

Then take it in turns to focus on your partner. One receives while the other gives delectable oral pleasure. The receiver gives most of their attention to the receiving, while cupping their hands over their partner’s genitals, or playing with them lightly. Then, with ease and grace, you swap roles, with the focused giver becoming the focused receiver and the light giver becoming the light receiver.

What’s so lovely about this approach to oral sex is that it is languid. There is no on-going or increasing intensity (although there might be moments or periods of fervour). The aim... read more