The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#120: Don’t Fake It Till You Make It - ‘Cause You Won’t Make It

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 14, 2015

If you want to spice up your sex life, it’s got to be real. There’s no point faking it. That would be like putting fake spices into a curry - it might look good, but if it tastes terrible there’s no point. If you fake sexual pleasure you’re deceiving your partner and you’ll end up frustrated and resentful.

“Fake it till you make it” might work in some parts of life, but not with sex.

I had a client once who came to me after faking orgasm with her husband for seven years. She wanted me to help her become orgasmic with him without actually telling him she’d ever faked it.

What a dilemma!

She had two choices: 1) confess that she’d been faking it and work with him to become orgasmic again: or 2) not tell him anything and replace the fake orgasms with real orgasms.

I would have preferred if she’d gone with option #1 as it’s so much easier to make changes to a couple’s love life if they are both involved. But she felt he’d be devastated if she admited she’d been... read more

#119: Give Your Man Absolute Pleasure...Try Prostate Massage

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 07, 2015

Prostate massage can be great for a man - great orgasms, better sex. You have to go in through the bum hole though, so it’s not for everyone. But if you’re game, it can feel fantastic.

Now, you don’t want to go “barreling down to the anus” (to misquote Monty Python), he needs to be warmed up to anal touch. Make sure he’s good and relaxed, you’ve got music playing, soft lighting, whatever makes him (and you as the massager) feel comfortable.

As the massager, you might like to wear a latex glove for cleanliness, or to reduce the ‘ick’ factor of putting your finger up someone’s bum, even if it is your beloved’s bum. (Let’s face it, an asshole can be a cute and endearing part of the anatomy, but it can be a little noisome on the inside).

Here’s how you do it:

  • Start with sensual touch of his whole body. Touch lovingly, slowly, with focus. Move firmly from ankles up his legs to his buttocks and give them a good massage. Rub across his sacrum to warm up the whole area.
  • Then ask him to roll on to his side, back or front.... read more

#116: Can Fisting Be Fabulous?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, March 16, 2015

Of course, anything can be fabulous! Double entry with gerkins stuffed up your nose could be fabulous - if it’s something you genuinely desire, it’s consensual and practiced safely.

As I constantly repeat: it’s not what you, do it’s how you do it.

If you ever think you ‘should’ do something sexual, whether it’s to be cool, or because your partner wants you to, or because you think it’s what everyone else does, but you don’t really want to - then don’t do it.

So, back to the topic of fisting. If you subject yourself unwillingly to fisting because you think you should, for any of the above or any other reason, then no, it won’t be fabulous, it will be awful and probably traumatic.

If, however, the thought of having your lover’s entire fist inside you gives you a shiver of erotic anticipation, even if that shiver is tinged with a touch of trepidation due to the unknown - well, give it a go. Assuming of course that your partner has an equal desire to put their entire fist inside you.

I’m going to refer to vaginal fisting here. Anal fisting is of course a possibility,... read more

#114: Mutual Pleasure Requires Mutual Responsibility - how to expand your sex play safely

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, February 23, 2015

I don’t really like using a cheesy romance as a basis for sex education, but hey, with all the fuss about 50 Shades The Movie, here I go.

But before I do, let’s clarify a few things:

1. It’s a story not a documentary.

2. Research has shown that people who engage in BDSM are more psychologically stable than the population as a whole.

3. The final scene would not happen in real life if he was as experienced as portrayed.

Now, to the content. Overall, just like the book, it’s Mills & Boon meets BDSM. It’s romance genre, it’s not meant to be taken seriously. Just as no-one takes Game of Thrones seriously - I’ve just watched all four series and have never been exposed to so much rape, carnage, violence, abuse, sadism, and general machiavellian nastiness in my life. But hey, it’s good entertainment!

The movie, like the book, is about two people developing a relationship, interspersed with some soft porn scenes which are titillating, if mild sensual BDSM is part of your personal eroticism, bewildering or even disturbing if it’s not.

The difference between the movie and... read more

#113: Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down - how to add restraint to your sex life

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, February 09, 2015

Grab a tie, or a stocking, and wrap it around your partner’s wrists. Then kiss them.

There you go, that’s bondage.

Although in fact you don’t even need an implement of restraint, you can just tell your partner not to move, and if they agree and don’t, then that’s bondage too!

Being restrained while making love, engaging in sexual play, can be one way to heighten sensation, arousal and erotic pleasure. And as with all elements of eroticism, your sexual taste, you can go as far as you like. Some people will be happy with draping a scarf loosely around their partner’s wrists, others will have hooks built into the wall with chains and cuffs attached. Enjoy it in any way you find mutually enjoyable.

Other slightly ‘scarier’ household items would include belts or plastic wrap. Then you can purchase rope, cable ties, chain from the hardware. Or go to an adult shop and buy coloured rope (it comes in all sorts of pretty colours), bondage tape (pvc tape that sticks to itself without adhesive), handcuffs (which also range from fluffy pink lambswool through to hard-core metal), or bondage cuffs (which also can be made from silk, feathers, velvet, suede, leather or metal).

Some people get into the... read more

#108: The Sensual Dom(me)

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, December 15, 2014

Sensual, tantric play heightens pleasure and so can kinky play. Put the two together and you go places - to Sub-Space and Dom-Space.

Playing with dominance and submission is about playing with the yin and yang of sexuality. When done with extreme connection and respect it is a beautiful experience.

Many people have concerns about dominance and submission because it harks back to the bad old days when women had no choice but to be submissive to men, in all areas of life. As I’ve explained in my previous blog articles (see A History of Sexual Misinformation), the imbalance between the masculine and feminine in society led to a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. True Dominant-Submissive play requires a meeting of equals, there’s no servility required (at least, not on the Sub’s part, you could argue that in fact it’s the Dom(me) who is serving the Sub).

What we’re really talking about is ‘command’ and ‘receptivity’. It is not gender-related, a woman can be a Domme as much as a man can be a Dom, and plenty of people are Switches, that is, they like to take both roles. Although most people will have an erotic preference, that is, one role will be more erotically moving for... read more

#107: Explore Your Fantasies

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, November 17, 2014


What would you like to do sexually if you were brave enough to do it?

And, let’s be honest here, what would you like to do if you could be sure that it would be a wonderful experience and couldn’t possibly go terribly wrong?

There might also be that niggling thought of whether your fantasy is good/moral/healthy/won’t-send-me-straight-to-hell. Just for the sake of argument here, let’s go with the concept that any consensual activity between consenting living adult humans is ok. So if you want to do it and the person/people you’re doing it with want to do it too, then all good.

Now there might be problems if the person agreeable to engage in a fantasy with you is not your partner. That could preclude the fantasy, but not necessarily.

You see, the most important thing here is actually communicating what your fantasy is. Or if you don’t even know what your fantasy is or could be, finding enjoyable enlightening ways of talking about possibilities.

It takes good communication skills to be able to open up without fear of rejection or negativity on your partner’s part. That’s why I stress the importance of good communication, without it your... read more

#106: Dress-Ups! How to have fun with role-play.

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, November 03, 2014

I was asked these questions recently for a women’s magazine:

1.Why is playing dress ups in the bedroom (whether it be naughty nurse or Roman Gladiator) so much fun for a couple?

Because pretending to be someone else can free you up to be less inhibited. You can try things you wouldn’t normally do because it’s not ‘you’ doing it, it’s your character. It’s also just fun and silly, and when you’re doing things that are fun and silly you feel happier and therefore the whole experience is more enjoyable.

2.How should a woman suggest a dress-up session to her man?

Playfully! This is play-time for grown-ups, so the suggestion needs to set the mood. You might be watching a movie that gives you an idea, or reading a book: “Ooh, sweetheart, Captain Jack Sparrow is so sexy, how about we play pirates and I can be your captive, that is, if you can subdue me!”

3.What are your tips for couples wanting to play dress ups? (eg make sure you stay... read more

#104: Consensual Non-Monogamy

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 13, 2014

I’ve written elsewhere about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it has to be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

I do want to stress though, that in this society it’s not easy to be non-monogamous, and I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone should be. However, it does work for some people. I often work with... read more

#103: Languid 69

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 30, 2014


Regular 69 can be pretty challenging, receiving and giving focused pleasure at the same time - aargh!

And if you’re still stuck in the belief that genital stimulation has to lead to orgasm, it's even worse - how can you orgasm when you’re distracted with giving the pleasure, or vice versa??

I’m more an exponent of Languid 69.

You still get the benefit of focusing on each other’s lovely genitals, without such intense simultaneous stimulation.

So lie together in your standard 69 position: top to toe, heads and hands at the level of each other’s pelvises.

Then take it in turns to focus on your partner. One receives while the other gives delectable oral pleasure. The receiver gives most of their attention to the receiving, while cupping their hands over their partner’s genitals, or playing with them lightly. Then, with ease and grace, you swap roles, with the focused giver becoming the focused receiver and the light giver becoming the light receiver.

What’s so lovely about this approach to oral sex is that it is languid. There is no on-going or increasing intensity (although there might be moments or periods of fervour). The aim... read more

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