The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#125: Honour Your Genitals for Exquisite Sex - the Why and How

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Honouring our genitals is a key part of Tantra and conscious love-making, and essential to great sex.

To honour means to regard something with great respect. That’s not going to happen if you have a shame-based sexuality where the genitals are regarded as somehow ‘dirty’ and unattractive, to be hidden away; or if you have a lewd ‘tits and bums’ approach to sexuality where it’s nothing but the genitals - huge hard cocks and dripping wet pussies (not to imply there’s anything wrong with hard cocks or wet pussies, only if they are the sole focus).

To truly honour the genitals, your partner’s and your own, is to love them, admire them and attend to them.

Let’s look at these three aspects of honouring:

Love Your Genitals

Your genitals are a really important part of your body. Not only are they the generators of life, which makes them sacred for that reason alone, they are vehicles for glorious pleasure and connection. You’ve got to love your genitals and your partner’s genitals, really love them, as much as any part of a person’s body, mind and soul.

Admire Your Genitals

Take your time to get to know your own and your partner’s genitals. Get up close and personal, take a good look... read more

#124: Tango Tantra - Make Your Love Life Blissfully Connected

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Two people approach, embrace, pause then move as one.

A leader and a follower, exquisitely attuned to each other. Constantly sensing, constantly feeling, constantly flowing.

There is restraint in their movement, pauses, waiting. Moments of anticipation; an eternity in an instant; potential within a speck of time.

Then movement; sudden, intense, fast yet still that same pared back sense of attending to the subtle.

Is this Tantra or is this Tango? Or is Tango Tantra? Is Tantra manifest in Tango - the unity of opposites coming together in absolute equality, exploring the complementarity, creating a oneness of perfect flow and through that perfect bliss.

Not attached to any particular outcome, other than the experience of the dance itself.

In the coming together there is an understanding of space, boundaries, safety in which to dance, to explore the movement, to discover the potential of two bodies moving as one.

There is gravity to the encounter, there is gaiety to the encounter. The more attuned the pair, the greater the flow, the greater the elation.

Need I say this is also Tantric love-making - moving meditation: conscious, connected, in flow, and... read more

#109: Unblock Sexual Energy for Greater Love

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, December 29, 2014

‘Tis indeed the season of kindness and giving, as shown by the heartfelt response to the tragedy of a gunman in Sydney holding hostages, resulting in three deaths. Rather than responding with anger and hatred against people who share his religion, Australians are opening their hearts and embracing acceptance and openness. It shows a high capacity for love to be able to respond in this way.

My work is so much about opening our hearts and the change this brings to individuals and through them to the world. This means overcoming fear and prejudice and limitations, about not putting things in boxes, not having an either/or, right/wrong approach to the world.

And yes, my work focuses on sexuality, one area where there is still so much judgement and limitation, categorization of good and bad, and where there is still so much fear. When we are blocked around sexuality it is very hard to open up fully to love.

And beyond even that, unblocking sexual energy leads to greater love, as the power of sexual energy - its passion, pleasure and potential - becomes a powerhouse to drive the love energy. Sexual energy is the foundation of life. Focused passion is a driving creative force. The power... read more

#100: Celibacy, Sexuality and Spirituality

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 05, 2014

In many religious and spiritual traditions, including mainstream Christianity, whose values permeate modern Western culture, sexuality has not been considered spiritual. Spirituality was seen as lofty and above the physical, so to be spiritual, closer to God, one had to reject the physical, and therefore the sexual.

Sexuality was seen as an unfortunate necessity for continuing the human species, so married people had to have sex, although with the implication that it wouldn’t be particularly enjoyable, one would be doing it to procreate. The truly spiritual, though, would be celibate.

Like most things to do with sexuality in the West, this is actually back to front.

Many, but not all, spiritually developed people do feel less like sex, just as they also feel less like food (or certain foods like meat or sugar or spices). So spiritual development can lead to a desire for celibacy. However, assuming the opposite is right - forcing people to be celibate - does not actually lead to people becoming more spiritual. In fact it can do the opposite. As history so often proves, prohibition focuses the desires on what’s not allowed, leading to compulsive, addictive behaviours.

You see, the reason why highly spiritual people often don’t feel the need... read more

#97: Plugging In - Sex Without Movement

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Have you ever tried having sex without any intention to orgasm? Without even moving?

Try it, in fact try it regularly – just lie together, penis inside vagina, and do nothing.

That’s it.

Not much to it really.

For genitals more used to intensity and vigour, you might not feel much at first as you’ve trained yourself to need intensity to feel sensation. Yet over time you will start to wake your genitals up. The vagina and the penis will start to feel again. They’ll start to feel subtlety, and from there comes exquisiteness of sensation.

It’s lovely to do this in spoon position, lying on your sides with her back to his front. He embraces her body with his body on the outside, and she embraces his penis with her vagina on the inside. Or you can do it lying facing each other, gazing softly into each others eyes as you do so.

You can both squeeze your pelvic floor muscles now and again to keep the erection, but move as little as possible. Not that you even need an erection for this, soft entry can be just as lovely.

... read more

#96: Growing Better With Age

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 03, 2014

In the spiritual traditions it is said that a man can’t become a good lover until he reaches the age of 50, because until then he is too obsessed with his penis.

That’s a slightly different approach to our standard approach to sex, which is all about the penis and the physical.

Yes, physical sexuality naturally declines with age. Yet our spirituality should grow. So combining sexuality with spirituality, rather than with physicality, means sexuality continues to grow.

If your concept of sex is intense physical coupling, which is what’s promoted in our society, particularly in this porn-obsessed world, then you’ll think that sex inevitably worsens with age.

However, once you make the shift to understanding and embracing the spiritual concepts of sex and sexuality, then a whole new realm of experience and pleasure opens up to you.

No longer will sex be physical rutting, you won’t be shagging like 17 year-olds, you might not even connect genitally, but my gosh you can go to beautiful places, and have orgasmic experiences that far outweigh the momentary flush of a standard genital orgasm (not to imply that those can’t be had too!)

If you... read more

#95: Learning Tantra in Paradise

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I have just had one of the most amazing experiences of my life - running the first ever five-day Luscious Lovers Retreat in Bali!

It’s hard to describe how wonderful it has been to spend that amount of time with ten couples all committed to deepening their connection and creating more beautiful and gorgeous sexual relating.

The venue was perfect, the food was amazing. We had our own private villa looking out over rice paddies and bamboo groves. With evocative music, the atmosphere was potent and moving. Everyone loved it.

As one participant said: “You don’t ‘instruct’, rather you entice us into the most beautiful space of lushness.” 

I don’t think she could have given me a greater compliment!

To inspire you a touch more, here’s what one of the other participants reported:

"We want to thank you so very much for the most wonderful week in paradise, both literally and metaphorically. Having been to your workshops previously we knew for sure that we were in for a week of lusciousness, but our week with you in Bali was more gloriously luscious and inspiring than we could have imagined. 

You... read more

#76: Winter's a Time for Sexual Growth

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Well Winter has finally hit! Cold miserable rainy days that just make you want to curl up and snuggle in bed. Mmmm. Add a cup of hot chocolate and thou.

In Winter our energies focus inwards, like the seed that waits under the snow before it blooms in spring. So for we humans it’s a wonderful time to focus on our inner selves and allow time for gestating.

As regular readers of my writings will know, so much of my teaching and inspiring is around developing that inner awareness, that sense of presence and selfhood, that allows for deeper sexual connection within yourself and between you and your lover, that enables sex to be truly intimate, real, and because of that truly wonderful.

So this Winter is a time for you to grow sexually. If you choose to. Coincidentally it’s also a time that I’m running a lot of workshops!

  • They started with Blackbelt in the Bedroom for men last week, an inspiring evening with 14 men who left with a bounce in their step and a glow in their being.

  • Then Luscious Lovers last weekend. Again, eight couples who spent a gorgeous day celebrating their love and learning deeper... read more

#74: "My Ejaculation Opens the Door to Deeper Orgasm"

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, May 27, 2013

 Photo by Collis from Pexels

In the Tantric and Taoist traditions it's often recommended that men should abstain from ejaculating, which is a challenging concept for modern men!

I believe it’s not about you should or shouldn’t, but how you orgasm. So here are some thoughts from a man who practices mindful love-making, and agrees with me that it's not what you do but how you do it.

“I find my orgasms to be very different from before, very meaningful. I feel grounded, very complete and even more connected during and after the ejaculation.

“Everything leading up to the orgasm - our interaction, the setting of the room, the approach to foreplay and all the stages, it doesn’t matter how long we make love for, at the point of orgasm it’s just completely different.

“Before, it was more a carnal thing, there wasn’t so much intimacy and connection. At the moment of orgasm I felt disconnected. It was a big release, then ‘I’m done.’

“Now at the point of ejaculation it’s like, ‘Hey!’ I come even closer. We’re even more connected. I feel: this is amazing, ‘Wow! This is a whole different level! I don't want to pull out, I don’t want to be disconnected... read more

#73: To Come or Not To Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, May 06, 2013

 Photo by Mahrael Boutros from Pexels

One of the main differences between 'standard' modern sexual practices and the more alternative, spiritual sexual practices is the attitude to orgasm.

In the mainstream, orgasm is generally considered a highly desirable, usually necessary, part of sex, and generally the bigger the better and the more the merrier.

In the Tantric/Taoist approaches there is a strong emphasis on not having an orgasm. Which to many modern Westerners seems crazy, especially for those who think the whole point of sex is orgasm.

So, who’s right? Should we or shouldn’t we? Is it more healthful/spiritual/ecstatic/pleasurable/fulfilling to come or not to come?

Well, to me it’s less about whether you come or not, and much more about how you come.

You see, nothing in life is black and white, particularly when it comes to sex.

To believe that we shouldn’t come is as limiting as believing that you have to come.

I certainly encourage everyone to move away from the mindset, firmly entrenched in the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex: that sex is about a sexual... read more

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