The incredible success of the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trilogy (30 million copies sold and counting…) has sent shock waves around the globe with commentators everywhere trying to explain how this really very ordinary book could have been such a big hit.

I’ve written elsewhere about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it has to be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

I’ve spoken to hundreds of heterosexual men at the most intimate levels about their sex lives. I always ask them what it is they love most about sex. And do you know what the answer is?

If you have an old-fashioned view of sex, that ‘men have their needs’ and that really they are just animalistic creatures who need to get their end in to get their rocks off then you’d probably say something like: having an orgasm.

But no. All the men, bar a couple of complete jerks, have told me that what they love best about sex is their partner’s pleasure. Yes: the more pleasure she has, the more pleasure he has...

This makes sense because women have greater potential for sexual response than men. Men are a bit limited in the sexual response area, especially if you think of sex as penis activity - penises can only last so long and can generally only have the one orgasm and then they’re done.

Women however can last and last. Women can really go places sexually. And when a woman goes places sexually, she takes her man along with her.

So it makes sense that men love to please sexually - they’re doing it for their own pleasure!
... read more

Most of us have fetishes of some kind or another. If you’re lucky, they’re socially acceptable, and not even considered fetishes - such as if you’re a woman who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes; but if your fetishes are not socially acceptable - such as if you’re a man who gets turned on wearing lace knickers or stiletto shoes, well, then you’ve got problems. For example, in our society in general:

• Women are permitted to find wearing lacy knickers erotic, men are not.

• If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s breasts, you’re considered completely normal. If you’re a man who has a fetish for women’s feet, you’re considered abnormal. Simply because society considers breasts to be sexual parts of the body, but not feet. Feet lovers are considered to be deviant.

• If you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight silk dress, you’re normal. But if you’re a woman who feels sexy in a tight latex dress, you’re abnormal. Simply because society deems silk to be acceptable material for dresses, but not latex. Latex wearers are considered to be deviant.
  
  
• If you find the sensation of a feather tickling your skin pleasurable, you’re normal; if... read more

We tend to assume that sex has to involve the genitals, and that any sense of erotic or sexual arousal will need to lead to genital engagement.

This is because we’ve associated sex with reproduction for so long, and obviously you need genital interaction for reproduction.

Yet sex is not just about reproduction. In fact it’s rarely about reproduction. Sex in humans is not primarily a reproductive function.

If we do think of sex as only genital, or at least, having to involve the genitals, then we get into the either/or thinking that plagues us. For example, if you have a particular fetish for wearing certain clothes, you’ll feel a heightened erotic sense when wearing them. That enjoyment can be enough in itself. It doesn’t have to lead to sex.

Conversely, we can feel a heightened erotic sensation from so many experiences, such as food, music, art, gardening, sport and physical activity. In fact, any pleasurable activity that leads to the release of ‘happy hormones’ in our body is in some way sexual because it leads to that heightened sense of arousal.

You see, it’s all linked: your mind, heart, body and spirit. Stimulate one part and it makes... read more

Erections come and go. A penis is quite a variable creature. Sometimes it’s not erect when you want it to be, and other times it’s erect when you don’t want it to be.

I’ve written before about when it’s soft, even if you’d rather it were hard (The Pleasure of A Soft Cock). So what about the opposite: when it’s hard and you might not want it to be.

The main thing I want to say here is that an erect penis does not have to be serviced. Ladies, just because he’s erect, it doesn’t mean he has to have an orgasm. He might possibly like one, but that doesn’t mean he has to have one, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to drop everything and give him one.

I’m surprised at how many women think they have to do something with their partner’s erection, even if they don’t want to. The saddest thing about this is that it leads to avoidance behaviour - they avoid affection and intimacy for fear that their partner will become aroused, and then they will be expected to have sex.

That attitude is such a shame, because of course affection and intimacy can lead a man to have an erection.... read more

One of the main differences between 'standard' modern sexual practices and the more alternative, spiritual sexual practices is the attitude to orgasm.

In the mainstream, orgasm is generally considered a highly desirable, usually necessary, part of sex, and generally the bigger the better and the more the merrier.

In the Tantric/Taoist approaches there is a strong emphasis on not having an orgasm. Which to many modern Westerners seems crazy, especially for those who think the whole point of sex is orgasm.

So, who’s right? Should we or shouldn’t we? Is it more healthful/spiritual/ecstatic/pleasurable/fulfilling to come or not to come?

Well, to me it’s less about whether you come or not, and much more about how you come.

You see, nothing in life is black and white, particularly when it comes to sex.

To believe that we shouldn’t come is as limiting as believing that you have to come.

I certainly encourage everyone to move away from the mindset, firmly entrenched in the Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex: that sex is about a sexual... read more

"How can I ever trust him/her again?” 

Client after client pleads this after discovering hurtful deceits by their beloveds. 
What they are really asking is: "How can I ever be 100% sure that my partner won't ever do this again?"

The honest answer is: you can't. In fact, you never could.

You can never be absolutely sure that your partner will never ever be deceitful or hurt you in some way.

The very definition of ‘trust’ is ‘not knowing’.

When things get tough, couples tend to either:

• Separate, generally accompanied by bitter and twisted feelings or
• Put up with it and flat-line, living lives of quiet desperation.

• Renegotiate your relationship.

I often find that people are surprised at the breadth of sexuality I encourage. As with so much of our society, we tend to categorize and label others and ourselves. What I do can’t be labeled in this way. I’m not just ‘tantric’ or ‘kinky’ or ‘raunchy’ or ‘clinical’ or whatever – I’m all of them, and more.

I believe in the full range of sexual expression, as long as it comes from a place that is real.

For me that’s the only issue. Are you being real, and are you allowing expression of your true self? I don’t believe there is any right or wrong when it comes to sex, as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans, as long as it’s life enhancing.

So the tantric types get a shock in my workshops when I bring out the bondage ropes; those who embrace raunch culture find the softness disconcerting; the kinky types wonder if all this talk about love isn’t a bit vanilla; and the clinical types find the fun and naughtiness rather perplexing.

But it’s all good! Tantric bondage, soft raunch, loving kink, are all real expressions of possibility.