Let’s take a look at the widely held myth that women are not naturally promiscuous. 

First, a few biological facts:

• Women are able to have sex at any time
• Women are more sexually responsive than men (more orgasms both in quantity, variety and quality)
• Women can generally last sexually longer than men
• Women tend to get bored and lose interest in sex more easily than men
• Women generally need evidence of positive male interest and attention to want to have sex
• Women tend to have a less physical “urge” for sex, rather a more contextual interest in sex
• Women’s interest in sex sparks up with a new sex/love interest

These do nothing to imply that women are less sexual than men. In fact they imply that women could well be more sexual than men. These facts do not imply that women are naturally monogamous. In fact, they could be interpreted as showing that women need more than one man to be sexually satisfied.

Now, let’s look at some historical facts:

• For the past couple of thousand years or so girls in the west have been raised to think that they’re not sexual and shouldn’t be sexual.
• Girls and women who were overtly sexual have been discriminated against, burnt at the stake, cast out from society, forced to wear shaming badges, excommunicated, locked up in mental institutions – need I go on?
• Until the last few decades, women have been dependent on men for their economic security, without a man it has been very difficult for a woman to survive.
• Women were considered the possessions of men, first owned by their fathers, and that ownership passed to their husbands at marriage. Women were therefore required to obey and serve first their fathers and then their husbands; otherwise they’d have no one to support them.

Would any of these historical facts have allowed women to freely express their true sexual selves? Clearly, no.

So don’t confuse biological fact, with historically based social constructions. Women have not been allowed to be sexually expressive, particularly not sexually promiscuous. That doesn’t mean it’s not innate. The biological facts would imply otherwise.

I’m not saying women should be promiscuous, or even that it’s natural for women to be promiscuous. I’m simply saying that there is no evidence to show that women are naturally monogamous.

Monogamy has been an economic and social imperative for women, not a biological drive.

So it’ll be interesting to see what happens as women become less constrained and more free to truly express themselves sexually...

[Next week I’ll look at the myth that men are ‘naturally’ promiscuous.]

To discover more and celebrate your female sexuality, enrol in my online women's course!

If you live in Australia, come along to my gorgeous women's weekend workshops!

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

Spiritual sex is playful sex.

Because spirituality is about lightness, joy, relishing the spice of life. Our spirits love to play.

You can tell a truly spiritual person because they are light, they smile, they feel the lightness of being, the joy of existence.

The Hindu term ‘leela’ reflects this concept, that life is play. Without attachment and heaviness we can be playful.

It’s not just eastern traditions that recognise it, many of our great Western thinkers discovered the same thing:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

         George Bernard Shaw

"The true object of all human life is play."

           G. K. Chesterton

“The most evident token and apparent sign of true wisdom is a constant and unrestrained rejoicing.”  Montaigne

And to quote me: “Sex is playtime for grown-ups!”

We’ve been blessed with bodies that experience pleasure, minds that are creative and spirits that love to play. Life is meant to be the combination of all three, and sex, the source of life, the base of life, is most definitely all three.

I was chatting to a good friend recently who, like many people, loves sex and loves the general topic of sex. He was musing on whether he might possibly be a sex addict given that he’s so fascinated, possibly even obsessed, by the topic. My reply was: “I hope not, because that would make me one too!”

It got me thinking, because I have done on-line “Are you a Sex Addict’ type quizzes, and according to some of them I certainly would be a sex addict because thinking about sex takes up so much of my time and sex in general plays such a big part of my life.

But there’s a big problem with these quizzes, and this extends to our attitude to sex in general, and that is that the questioning tends to be around the quantity of sex or sex-related activity and thought, rather than the quality. Lots of sex does not a sex addict make. It’s the approach that matters.

I got to thinking about a food analogy. I often use food analogies when talking about sexual issues. I do this mainly to remove the social stigmas, assumptions, beliefs, and so forth, that get in the way of assessing sexuality in a non-judgemental manner.

If someone watched Masterchef assiduously, never missed Iron Chef, subscribed to a myriad of food magazines and poured over them for hours on end, planned elaborate meals, experimented with new ingredients, loved to talk about food as much as preparing and eating it – would that make them a food addict? No.

If someone couldn’t stop eating and didn’t care about what they ate, craved eating, needed it to satisfy an unending hunger, to the point that it affects the quality of life, would that make them a food addict? Yes.

It’s essentially the difference between being a gourmet or a glutton.

A gourmet is a connoisseur of food, someone with a discerning palate. A gourmet savours food, enjoying the intensities and the subtleties. A gourmet is closely in touch with the effect of the food on their own well-being, he or she won’t overeat because that would affect their enjoyment of the food. A gourmet might enjoy the exotic and elaborate but will equally revel in the simple. A gourmet will also pay attention to the context of the food, the presentation, and the atmosphere, understanding that the experience of eating is more than just the food itself.

A glutton is a gorger of food, all they’re interested in is the quantity. There’s no self-restraint, it’s just a matter of if they want it, they’ll eat it. A glutton is not able to appreciate the finer nuances of food, is oblivious to the surroundings, doesn’t care. Food is not indulged in to add to the overall and long-term quality of life, only the immediate gratification of eating.

It’s the same with sex. Someone who is a connoisseur of sex is interested in savouring sex, regardless of the type of sex - whether it’s a late-night cuddle under the covers or a weekend of erotic delights. It’s the quality that counts, not the quantity. They know how much is enough because they’re in tune with the subtle aspects of sex.

A glutton of sex just wants more and more and is never satisfied, so it impacts on the quality of their life.

I was explaining this to a client recently, who was telling me how his sexual self-confidence was non-existent as his recently ex-partner insisted on hours of sex at a time and was never satisfied, no matter how many orgasms she had or what they did, she always wanted more, more, more. The thing is that they both liked lots of sex, both liked a wide range of sexual activities, the difference was that she went at it with avaricious intensity and could never get enough – your typical glutton, whereas he wanted to take it more slowly and savour the experience as they went – your typical gourmet. That was a big sexual mismatch, which had nothing to do with quantity and everything to do with quality. He was much relieved when he realised this and his confidence came back stronger than ever.

In summary, it’s not what you do that matters, it’s how you experience it.

If you want to become a great lover and have wonderful sex, you have to ditch the myths that plague us.

Our society is full of sex myths. Because we don't talk openly about the details of our sex lives and there have been so many moral issues associated with sex for so long that so many beliefs are taken for truth. These beliefs are so entrenched they can be challenging to let go of, but until you do, you're holding yourself back. If you buy into a belief that there's something wrong or bad about being a certain way, you'll inevitably be judgmental about yourself and others.

Judgement is the biggest impediment to growth in any area, including sexuality.

I'm going to challenge you by starting with three big myths that are very entrenched in our society:

1. Men have evolved to 'sow their seed widely' and are therefore naturally non-monogamous
2. Women are naturally monogamous
3. Monogamy is naturally innate to humans

Not one of these myths is true!

I'm certainly not saying that we shouldn't be monogamous. Monogamy is a very good thing! But it's not the only way of relating sexually and it's not the only "right" way of relating. If you're constrained by a belief that it is, then you're limiting yourself, and you're limiting other people's choices too. If you accept that monogamy is a choice rather than an innate state, then that frees you up enormously. You'll ditch all the negativity that surrounds the beliefs and the shoulds and ought to's and allow yourself to be honest with yourself about what is really right for you, or others, sexually. This freedom and honesty will enable you to be free and honest in your communication with your sexual partner(s). That's what leads to good on-going sex over the long-term.

It's not just about big things like monogamy though. I find that people often hinder themselves with small beliefs, such as:

• Sex has to be last thing at night,
• You can't have sex if the children are still awake,
• You can't have sex when your parents/guests are staying,
• Having regular "nooky nights" is unspontaneous and therefore bad.

Then there are age-related myths such as:

• Sex naturally gets worse as you get older,
• People reach their sexual peak in their 20s (they reach their reproductive peak then, not sexual),
• Women dry up and become asexual after menopause,
• Men only like young women,
• Your sexual partner should only be a few years older or younger than you,
• Women with younger partners are "cougars" and somehow "bad".

There are plenty of myths around homosexuality vs heterosexuality (even if we've let of the big one that homosexuality is unnatural and wrong):

• If you're primarily heterosexual you shouldn't find people of the same sex in any way sexually appealing,
• You're either completely homosexual or completely heterosexual,
• Women are more naturally bisexual than men,
• Men who cross-dress must be gay.

There are countless myths about male versus female sex roles, too many to go into here, but here are a few:

• Men are gagging for sex all the time,
• Men want to have sex to have an orgasm, rather than to pleasure their partner,
• Men don't like foreplay or sensual sex, they're only interested in the "main event",
• A woman should have sex with their partner whether she wants to or not or he'll lose interest in her,
• Men should initiate and lead the way sexually, always,
• There's something wrong with a woman if she has a low libido,
• You need a hard erection for good sex,
• You need a penis for good sex.

Then there are all those myths about what you should or shouldn't do sexually.

To quote from my book Sex Secrets for Busy People:

'If you think oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, erotic videos, crotchless knickers, latex catsuits, bondage, swinging, pain and pleasure or any other activity is wrong, evil, immoral and takes you straight to hell, well, it's time to loosen up and push those boundaries a little.'

Nevertheless, there are laws around sexual activity, and for good reason. These laws are meant to protect the innocents. But the healthiest attitude is that as long as the sexual activity is between consenting, living, adult, humans, then it's your personal choice, and nobody else's business but you and your partner(s).

Human sexuality is a wonderful thing, with so many possibilities, and so much potential for self-expression, self-knowledge and personal growth, not to mention bonding, pleasure, stress relief, well-being, better physical and mental health, and plain old fun!

To be able to make the most of your sexuality, start by ditching the myths that hold you back.

So many people live lives that are boxes within boxes, constraints within constraints, limitations within limitations. The number of “should”s and “must”s and “ought”s and “can’t”s and “mustn’t”s are never-ending.

We love our boxes. We have them around our work, our gender, our ethnic grouping, our age, our relationship status, our parental status, our place of abode, our religious beliefs, our health, our appearance, our sports and our hobbies.

Then we love to categorise our personalities, whether it’s the multitude of psychological tests or astrological classifications - it’s all about putting ourselves into still more boxes.

How often do we say “I am a [insert classification]”, or limit ourselves by stating: “I’m [insert adjective] because I’m a [insert classification]”, or “I can/can’t/should/shouldn’t/must/mustn’t [insert verb] because I’m a [insert classification]”.

It’s all so limiting.

And it’s all based on fear.

And it comes through more powerfully, and more with more limits, in our sexuality than anywhere else.

I’m [insert gender] so I’m……
I’m [insert age] so I…..
I'm spiritual/an atheist/a [insert religion] so I….
I’m married/single/divorced/in a relationship so I…
I’m fat/old/ugly so I…

Now of course we can be classified, of course we have an age, an appearance, a profession, and so forth, there’s no issue with that. It’s all the crap that’s attached to the classification that’s the problem.

Consider: “I’m fat and ugly and I don’t give damn, I’m having great sex!” versus “Well, we’ve been together a long time and we’re not as trim as we used to be and the kids are always around, so of course we can’t have sex, or good sex.”

When it comes to sex, I see the limitations everywhere, even in the supposedly free-spirited types: the swingers who think monogamy is boring; the kinksters who think vanilla sex is dull; the Tantric types who think it’s got to be oh so terribly slow and spiritual; the free love exponents who think we’ve got to let it all hang out.

And there’s all the black and white thinking. You’ve got to be one gender or the other, into women or into men, monogamous or deceitful, sexually active or celibate.

How about we all embrace the possibility, for those for whom it feels real, to whatever extent feels right, of gender-bending, bisexuality, ethical non-monogamy, celibacy as sexual expression?

How about we see that all types of kinks and fetishes are fun to play with, that enlightened BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism) can be as empowering and connecting as deep spiritual sex?

How about feeling that missionary with the lights out can be as fulfilling an experience as swinging from the chandeliers?

How about we let ourselves be ourselves?

And maybe, ultimately, how about we let the judgemental be judgemental too, if that’s what makes them happy, and focus on our own business?

Avoid judging others and don’t judge yourself. Give yourself the freedom to explore and play and find out who you are in all aspects of your life.

Get out of the boxes!

For centuries we had sex as ‘shame’. Sex was seen as an unfortunate necessity to propagate the species.

Good women weren’t interested, and men had their needs. Truly spiritual people abstained. No-one spoke about it, no-one studied it, only the very lucky or particularly diligent got to experience quality sex.

Then the pendulum swung completely the other way and for the last few decades we’ve had sex as sleaze. Now everyone’s supposed to be into it, gagging for it even, open to anything and everything and having mind-blowing experiences every time.

The first stage was outrageously prudish, which wasn’t good for anyone. The second stage has been outrageously permissive, which hasn’t been a whole lot better. It’s time for a third wave of sexuality. Beyond shame, beyond sleaze, it’s time for meaningful sex.

I’ve noticed over the past eight years or so that I’ve been specialising in sex, that there has been a shift. People are saying to me: “There’s got to be more to this sex thing.”

And they’re right. There’s a hell of a lot more to sex. Good sex, real sex, is empowering, uplifting, reviving, life enhancing.

What makes sex is meaningful is not what you do but how you do it.

What you do will depend on your personal sexual taste, your own individual eroticism - it could be lights out under the bedcovers, it could be swinging from the chandeliers at a fetish party, or it could be locked in tantric embrace. There are no rules in terms of what you do, as long as it’s consensual and legal. We can at least thank the second wave of sexuality for allowing that level of freedom, it has freed us up in terms of whatwe can do sexually.

We’ve missed out on the how though, and that’s causing problems. Unless the what is a real expression of self, it’s not meaningful, it’s false. In the bad old days, no-one was allowed to be themselves sexually because anything other the most basic sexual interaction was considered wrong. In more recent days people are having trouble being real because even though pretty well everything’s possible, actually doing anything that’s possible isn’t meaningful if it’s not true for you.

My work is about the third stage - getting to meaningful sex. Whether it’s simple, sensual, spiritual or spicy, it has to be a real expression of your true self.

Then any sex becomes awesome sex.

The incredible success of the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trilogy (30 million copies sold and counting…) has sent shock waves around the globe with commentators everywhere trying to explain how this really very ordinary book could have been such a big hit.

The assumption is that it must be the content, which includes sex scenes involving BDSM (which stands for bondage, discipline and sado-masochism), otherwise known as kinky sex.

How, the commentators wonder, could so many people want to read something that includes such ‘abnormal’ sex scenes? Well, it could be that people like reading about something they have no interest in, or want an excuse to frown upon. But 30 million copies…? Could it be that the content is actually speaking to something that people actually like? Something that, to varying degrees, titillates or arouses us? Could it be that a lot of people are at least a little bit kinky?

We like to categorise people in this society, put them in boxes, label them as one thing or another, especially when it comes to sex. You’re either gay or straight, open-minded or frigid, perverted or normal.

In reality though, it’s not either or, we’re on a continuum. There are spectra of sexuality. Some of us are very open-minded and adventurous and others really quite limited (and it’s likely to vary throughout our lives). Looking at the spectrum of sexual orientation, some of us are completely heterosexual and some of us are completely homosexual, most of us are somewhere in-between.

In regard to the sexual orientation spectrum, at least we can talk about it. Gone are the days when homosexuality was considered a mental problem, an act against God or in any way a perverted abomination. For the most part in this society, we accept that it’s normal to be homosexual.

Perhaps acceptance of kinkiness is where we were forty years ago in relation to homosexuality: it’s starting to be accepted, by the experts and the mainstream, that this is not a perversion, it doesn’t need ‘fixing’ and it’s innate in some people and not others. The professionals now accept that if BDSM is undertaken between consenting adults in a safe and respectful manner, then its fine. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but then hey, maybe you drink Earl Grey and they prefer peppermint. That is, it’s just a matter of taste.

So maybe the 30 million plus readers of the trilogy are tapping into the innate possibility of something within themselves. Or maybe it’s giving them permission to accept and explore erotic possibilities. For a lot of mainstream people kinky elements of sex are already part of their sexual play. Plenty of people use blindfolds, handcuffs (even if they are pink fluffy ones), engage in some hair pulling or biting or digging in of nails while in the throes of passion. They may not have a St Andrew’s Cross set up in the corner of the bedroom, but they might have a number of toys and props that heighten sensation and allow them to play in the often delicious borders of pleasure and pain.

It’s just like food really. Some people are complete vegetarians and others are big meat-eaters. Most people are somewhere in-between, and where you are on that continuum depends on your taste. It’s the same with liking savoury or sweet food; eating frequently or sticking to meal times; being a gourmet who puts a lot of time and effort into food, or someone who’s happy with microwaving a TV dinner; being a foodie who loves to try new and different taste sensations or someone who sticks to the tried and true meat and three veg.

Within your home you have to negotiate eating so that everyone’s preferences are met. The frequency you eat, the quantity of food, the availability of food, the quality of the food, the type of food, the way it’s presented, where you eat, who you eat with, when you eat; as well as what you do if you’re not hungry, or if you don’t like the food, or if you’re finding it any way unsatisfying, or you don’t feel like cooking; not to mention who plans the meals, who does the shopping, who does the cooking, who cleans up after…

It’s the same with sex. This I believe is one of the most important, and strongest, messages in the 50 Shades Trilogy: you have to negotiate your sexual relationship with your partner. In the trilogy the two main characters are constantly negotiating and pushing their boundaries around her need for intimacy and his for kinky play.

I have to say that by the third book their endless discussions do make for quite tedious reading, but then, it’s not meant to be high literature. The fact they do it though, is illustrative for every couple.

She's pushing her boundaries re BDSM and he's pushing his through allowing intimacy. It's scary for both of them, they have their freak-outs, but they keep working through it. For a start, they both experiment a bit and explore the possibility that they might each like the other’s tastes. It’s not always easy for either of them, yet coming from a place of commitment, with honesty and respect for each other’s struggles, they craft a positive sexual relationship that is mutually desirable and satisfying.

So much of my own work with couples is around this very topic - how to talk with each other about sex. So many couples never do to talk about it, they just fumble along hoping or assuming that their partner is ok with whatever they’re doing; or they stick to same old sexual script that is safe, if a little predictable and dull. It’s rather like serving the same meals over and over again without ever asking whether everyone likes it, or expressing whether you do, and never ever experimenting with variations or whole new dishes.

If you accept that we all have different tastes, and that’s ok (sushi and spaghetti have both at times been looked at with suspicion but are now mainstream cuisines), and that there are spectra of sexuality (having occasional fantasies about same-sex liaisons does not make you homosexual any more than tying your partner to the bed means you’re on your way to setting up a dungeon in the spare room (not that there’s anything wrong with that if you do.)

Sex, like food, is supposed to be enjoyable. More so than food in fact: to get all the health and wellbeing benefits from sex (and by that I don’t just mean intercourse, I mean all aspects of intimate relating), it must be pleasurable. If it’s not, you don’t get the benefits. Our bodies and psyches are designed to respond positively to sexual pleasure. If we limit our pleasure options, then we won’t reap the potential benefits. Exploring our tastes within all the different spectra of sexuality opens us up to ongoing positive sexual experiences.

The 50 Shades Trilogy might be mostly trite romance, but the main characters do successfully negotiate and craft a positive sex life, and so we assume, do live happily ever after…


This was originally published in MindFood Magazine as Fifty Shades of Sexuality

I’ve written elsewhere about how humans are not necessarily naturally monogamous, and that’s it’s a social norm rather than a biological imperative.

It’s a very strong social norm, and anyone who goes against that norm risks pretty severe social disapproval, particularly if it’s done in a deceitful way. Unfortunately, most non-monogamy is deceitful, one party has an affair, or several, and when the other finds out it can be ruinous for the relationship. I am completely against non-consensual non-monogamy, ie cheating on your partner.

It doesn’t have to be one or the other though, monogamy or cheating. If monogamy works for you, great, if not, there are more options than being unfaithful to your partner in a deceitful way.

It is possible to be non-monogamous – with consent. That’s the difference, it must be consensual. When a couple both agree to be non-monogamous and continually assess the situation and their own rules and boundaries, then it can be a successful approach to living and loving.

I do want to stress though, that in this society it’s not easy to be non-monogamous, and I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone should be. However, it does work for some people. I often work with couples (and triads) exploring non-monogamy and help them decide if it is for them and if so how to go about it safely and respectfully.

Whether it’s something you’re considering for yourselves, or if you’re just curious about possibilities, here is a description of different approaches to consensual non-monogamy.

Polyamory
This is where a person has more than one committed relationship going on at the same time. The founding belief is that you can love more than one person at a time, and you can have a committed loving on-going sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.

In this situation you generally don’t have a primary ‘couple’ as such, although it can be that two people are married and one or both also has one or more other committed relationships. (You can imagine that polyamorous ‘families’, as they’re often termed, can get quite complex in structure!) These types of relationship structures can be quite fluid and organic as partners grow and change.

Swinging
This is where a committed couple have sex with other people at the same time. They do not have sex with other people on their own or without their partner being present.

Each couple will have their own rules about what they agree to do. Generally, the options are;

• play with other people, but no intercourse or no genital interaction;
• play with other women only;
• play with other men only;
• one plays while the other watches;
• only play with other couples;
• watch other people but only have sex with themselves;
• play freely within a certain situation such as at a swingers party or swingers club.

It’s important that a couple who get into swinging continually check in on each other to make sure both are comfortable with what’s going on and take it slowly.

Open Relationship
This is where a couple agree that one or both can have sex with other people. They remain the primary couple at all times, and each is the primary partner to the other. Any other sexual interactions are secondary, and the primary relationship takes precedence.

Each couple will have their own rules around how this is possible, such as:

• only when you’re out of town;
• not with friends;
• only with people of a certain sex;
• tell all;
• tell bits;
• don’t tell all;
• ask me first;
• only once a year (or some other time frame).

The key thing to successful non-monogamous relationships is that it is done:

• respectfully
• safely
• with continuous communication
• with continual openness to renegotiate.

When done like this, non-monogamy can offer a broader, more satisfying approach to relating than the serial monogamy approach to relationships that are the norm in this society. As I've mentioned before, I believe we are all on a continuum of monogamy, with some of us completely monogamous and some of us completely non-monogamous and most of us somewhere in-between.

If you choose the standard monogamy option, that tends to be easier as the 'rules' are established by society rather than the couple (although even then most couples will have to set their own rules around levels of acceptable interaction and friendships with people of the opposite sex). If you choose non-monogamy then you have to set your own rules, and that means complete honesty and excellent communication, plus a willingness to experiment, make mistakes and continually reassess and evolve.

It's not for everyone, but it can and does work. And one thing's for sure, the standard dual option of pure monogamy or deceitful infidelity is not the answer.

If you’re interested in finding out more, I recommend the excellent books The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy and Polyamory – the new love without limitsby Dr D M Anapol.

I’ve spoken to hundreds of heterosexual men at the most intimate levels about their sex lives. I always ask them what it is they love most about sex. And do you know what the answer is?

If you have an old-fashioned view of sex, that ‘men have their needs’ and that really they are just animalistic creatures who need to get their end in to get their rocks off then you’d probably say something like: having an orgasm.

But no. All the men, bar a couple of complete jerks, have told me that what they love best about sex is their partner’s pleasure. Yes: the more pleasure she has, the more pleasure he has...

This makes sense because women have greater potential for sexual response than men. Men are a bit limited in the sexual response area, especially if you think of sex as penis activity - penises can only last so long and can generally only have the one orgasm and then they’re done.

Women however can last and last. Women can really go places sexually. And when a woman goes places sexually, she takes her man along with her.

So it makes sense that men love to please sexually - they’re doing it for their own pleasure!

It’s hard for a lot of women to believe this though. The number of times I’ve had couples sitting on the couch together and the man is saying: “Yes, I want her to enjoy sex, I don’t enjoy it if she doesn’t.” And she’s replying with a disbelieving: “Nah, that’s not true, you just want to have sex.”

Or a wife will say: “But I’m giving you sex twice a week, what’s the problem?” And the man will reply: “I don’t want you to give me sex, I want you to want it and enjoy it!”

Over and over again the men say to me that if she’s not enjoying it, then he’s not enjoying it.

Men are not animalistic creatures. To some extent they were forced to in the bad old days when society thought women weren’t sexual and men were, so a man needed to be ‘serviced’ regularly. It was nothing more than men masturbating inside their wives.

More aware modern men, who know that women are sexual, don’t want that, because it is just masturbation. In fact it’s worse than masturbation because it leaves him feeling unloved and undesired. He might get some stress relief at a physical level, but at an emotional level it can be damaging. Far better to actually masturbate. Which is what a lot of men do in preference to unconnected, unwanted obligation sex.

This is why advising that women should ‘just do it’ and ‘take one for the team’ will never satisfy either sex, because men don’t want obligation sex.

Men want to be wanted. They want sex to be good. They want her to have a great time, and they’ll do their best to make sure she does - for both their benefits.