The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#157: Love Your Breasts

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, April 08, 2016

Soft, rounded curves of femininity: breasts are the archetypal symbol of womanliness.

It’s probably the reason we women have so much trouble with them! They’re too small or too big, too saggy or the nipples are funny… We don’t pay them a lot of attention, and when we do, it’s generally negative thoughts.

In the Tantric tradition though, a woman’s breasts are her positive pole, and it’s essential that we focus positively on our positive pole (and that our partners do too).

The lack of attention to a woman’s breasts and over attention to her genitals is one of the reasons why women can find it hard to become aroused sexually. So it’s important that a woman’s breasts are honoured by her partner as part of their sexual play, that her partner caresses and holds them with love and desire (and some delicious nipple play too if she’s into that!)

A lovely simple exercise you can do to become more aware of your breasts and their beautiful energy is to sit facing each other. If the partner is male he brings his attention to his penis (which is a man’s positive pole), feeling the power and goodness of his... read more

#154: When A Woman Is Free To Be Herself Sex Takes On A Spiritual Dimension

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, March 03, 2016

When a woman gets to a level of arousal where she’s in a different ‘zone’ - love-drunk, in a heightened state, an altered state of consciousness - the sex changes.

There’s a different energy in that state, strange things happen. You can become aware of different sensations in your body: feelings of ecstasy and rapture, of transport and transcendence.

The description of this state sounds almost religious.

The pleasure is there, yet it’s not just genital, it suffuses the body and the mind.

Sex in this state can be wild and crazy or it can be completely serene, and it can go from one to the other and everywhere in-between.

She can spend time in what appears to be suspended animation, barely breathing, hovering in an ecstatic state.

She can feel animal energies move through her - such as big cats and snakes - and she will roar and writhe in tune with these energies.

She can feel goddess energies - energies of compassion, of destruction, of power, of lust.

She can sense the presence of beings and entities, gods and goddesses.
... read more

#150: Strength in Softness, Softness in Strength

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, January 14, 2016

I had an interesting few days recently, running a workshop for women, followed two days later with a seminar for men. 

For me it was truly wonderful to work with a group of 16 women over two days and feel and see them come more fully into the strength and softness of their femininity, and become more sexually confident and expressive. Such gorgeous strong feminine women! 

And then two days later to work with a group of 15 men for an evening of coming into the strength and softness of their masculinity, becoming more sexually confident and (according to feedback from participants and/or their partners) more sexually expressive. Such gorgeous strong masculine men!

It really brought home to me how equal men and women are in their innate sexual energy, but how differently that energy is expressed.

Vive la difference!

We are all equal, and thank god for social changes that have given reasonable social, political, economic, etc equality between the sexes. God forbid that we should ever go back to a time when women were considered inferior to men in so many ways or that that inferiority be entrenched in society.

But equal does not mean same. Women... read more

#147: A Beautiful Vulva is Like A Luscious Hamburger

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, December 03, 2015

A wonderful new book has just been released, 101 Vagina. The left-hand pages each have a black and white photo of a woman, front on, from belly to thigh, nude. On the right hand page is a piece written by the women about her genitals and how she feels about them.

So, depending on how much hair she has, you can see her vulva, looking like a little hamburger nestled between her thighs.

I love those little hamburgers! And from what I’ve heard from men, they do too!

It’s such a shame though that so many women don’t love their little hamburger. To the extent that there is a boom in women, particularly young women, having their genitals mutilated by plastic surgeons so that their hamburger looks like just the bun, without any filling.

I’m using deliberately emotional language here, because I think it’s appalling that women have such a negative image of their bodies that they think spending large amounts of money to mutilate a part of the body that is rarely shown, is a desirable thing.

Who said a woman’s inner labia should be shorter than her outer labia? Or that the edges of her... read more

#145: Finger Finesse

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, November 05, 2015


A clitoral orgasm is a very fine thing.  It can leave you drained though.

If you approach clitoral orgasm like a male ejaculatory orgasm, then it becomes about a build-up of localised sensation leading to an explosive orgasm where you feel an outward burst of energy. Momentarily pleasurable, but often flat afterwards, and you’re generally not able to continue lovemaking afterwards (whether alone or with a partner). You feel kind of, well, done.

A far better way to approach clitoral orgasm is the slow build, allowing arousal to rise and fall, losing yourself in the pleasure of the sensation moment by moment. Then when the orgasm arrives, you open to it and fall into it. There is no tension, there is no grasping for the orgasm, and there is no sense of forcing it. It’s a welling up and releasing. And that releasing feels more than just genital, as though your whole body is washed with warmth and pleasure.

Then you can leave your hand (or your partner’s) over your clitoris, just touching it lightly without movement, palm over your pubis, as you relax into the feeling and allow the waves of pleasure to wash over you. This can help maintain the... read more

#144: Reluctance is Not Frigidity, It’s Body Intelligence - She’s Not Ready!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, October 29, 2015

I had a male client complain to me recently that after five years he still couldn’t get his girlfriend to want or enjoy sex. He said he’d tried everything - even anal sex and fisting, and she still wasn’t interested…

Oh boy, I think this guy was confusing sex with a porn shoot.

The poor girlfriend wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t ready! Fortunately she was trusting her body and saying no, rather than going ahead and traumatizing herself.

I see so many women who have forced themselves to have sex when they weren’t ready (and by the way, if your sexual activity includes anal sex and fisting, she needs to be very very ready). They’ve been subjecting themselves to constant low level sexual trauma, and over time they’ve come to hate sex. 

In some cases, women have subjected themselves to high level trauma. Some of the things women get up to without truly wanting to are extraordinary - if they were getting paid for doing stuff they don’t want to it might make some sense, but they do it for free!

As I’ve explained elsewhere, a woman’s body opens in stages. You can’t go barreling down... read more

#141: ‘Invitation’ not ‘Penetration’

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, September 18, 2015

“Batten down the hatches! Prepare for penetration!!”

It’s not exactly how a woman wants to feel when in the throes of sexual pleasure.

For maximum pleasure we need to be accepting and welcoming, not tensing and preparing for combat. Yet the language we use around sex, encourages the latter not the former.

Penetration is such an aggressive term, implying force. So ‘penetrative sex’ sounds as though something has to be broken down to get through. If the focus is going to be on the penis, then we could term it ‘insertion sex’, which is less aggressive than ‘penetration’, or even better ‘entering sex’, which has no aggressive sound to it at all.

But why are we focusing on the masculine genitals anyway? The female genitals are equally important to sex!

What’s important from the female side? Certainly not ‘resistance’, which tends to be the response to ‘penetration’.

How about ‘invitation’? When the vagina is ready, she invites the penis in. On receiving the invitation, the penis accepts with appreciation and chivalrously makes his way in.

There is such a world of difference between a penis penetrating a vagina and a vagina inviting in a penis, even if the physical act... read more

#140: Female Bodies Are Sexual Pleasure Machines

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, September 11, 2015

The human body is a sexual pleasure machine, and the female body even more so than the male.

That may seem surprising if your concept of someone’s “level of sexuality” is determined by their “level of libido”. We’re rather too libido-oriented in this society.

The general belief is that sex is a response to feeling horny. Along with that belief comes the implicit assumption that the hornier you feel, the better sex will be. Since so many women have bought into this model, they believe they should be horny before they start making love. So if they’re not gagging for it they tend to give up and don’t do what it takes to get in the mood - generally thinking that there’s something wrong with them (if they’ve got low self-esteem) or claiming they’re “normal”, declaring that “women don’t like sex” and their partner is “sex-crazed” (if they’re more assertive).

I see this all the time. It’s a shame as it so not true. Once you understand that you cultivate desire, that the lust doesn’t just ‘descend’ from on high, that female desire tends to be contextual - more about how she’s feeling and what’s going on for her than a genital-driven “horniness” - then you’ve got... read more

#138: Awaken Your Vagina for the Kind of Sex All Women (and their Partners) Deserve

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, August 28, 2015

Would you like your vagina to be exquisitely sensitive, alive to nuance and sensation and responsive to ecstatic subtleties? Then you need to wake her up!

Unfortunately our focus in this society on the harder side of sex, the “peaks” rather than the “valleys” of sex, means that many women have “hardened" their vaginas. The focus on the “bigger, harder, faster”, rather than the “slower, softer, subtler”, means that many women have lost the ability to sense subtlety and softness through the walls of their vaginas. If your vagina can’t feel, then you either need increasingly more intense stimulation, or you forget about the vagina and focus on the clitoris as your primary sexual organ, or you give up on intercourse altogether because it just doesn’t feel like much. 

When your vagina is awake though, it becomes so sensitive in the most delightful of ways! It becomes highly receptive and attuned to subtle energies and exquisite variations of sensation.

This is very different to the intense thrusting most of us view as good sex (although as I always stress, I’ve got nothing against a good shag, just that it’s only one aspect of good sex!).

To wake your vagina up, you need to spend time being purely receptive. The... read more

#117: My Book "Seven Sex Goddesses" Released!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, March 30, 2015

Meet the Seven Sex Goddesses and discover how they can help you truly embody your sexuality and express yourself fully as a woman! 

The Goddesses represent fundamental psychic energies that you as a modern woman can draw on to awaken your sexual potential. 

You’ll meet the Lady, the Amazon, the Bawd, the Madonna, the Seductress, the Maestra and the Earth Gypsy - and come to feel the different female sexual expressions they represent. 

By drawing on their energetic expression, you can become more sexually confident and expressive and have more sexual desire and greater sexual response! 

This modern view on the Goddesses of Sex is the result of my pioneering, original research in female sexuality and it’s having major positive impacts on women (and their partners!) in my therapy practice, seminars and retreats.

Each Goddess is accompanied by a fictional, historical erotic story to convey the feeling of these energies in a way that is accessible for you as a modern-day woman.

Then through 24 illustrative erotic stories you'll also follow the experiences of three fictional modern women as they experience the energy of each Goddess in their lives.

I call it educational erotica - written to educate and inspire!

As far as I’m aware, no other book... read more

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