Close your eyes. Take a breath in, exhale slowly and sink into your body. Keep breathing slowly and gently and allow your mind to wander around the inside of your body.

What do you notice? What do you feel? Is there a sense of comfort, ease, contentment? Do you feel at home in your body?

We really are turtles, carrying our ‘home’ around with us. We inhabit our bodies. We travel through life in our bodies. We experience existence through our bodies.

Yet how comfortable do we feel in this “home”? So many people don’t. They are disconnected from their body. There are two main reasons for this.

Firstly, through being too much ‘in our heads’. Prioritising thinking over feeling, the brain over the body. These people live their lives in their heads, they are a head walking around with a body ‘down there somewhere’. There is little integration. These people rely on their brains, yet by being disconnected from their bodies, they aren’t getting the information their brains need to be in the world. This leads to anxiety at worst, and a reduction in pleasure and enjoyment at best.

The second reason is when people have negative emotions associated with their body. Unlike the first type who are in their heads and not feeling their bodies, this second type aren’t in their bodies because they are observing their bodies from the outside. With this external observation comes a great deal of judgement and with that feelings of shame and disgust, even loathing.

Both attitudes to the body are completely understandable in our society, where we separate mind from body, lauding cognition over feeling. And where for so many centuries the body was seen as base and bad, particularly the female body. Add to this the fact that bodies are judged on how they look, particularly female bodies. If you don’t look a certain way, your body is bad and wrong and you should be ashamed of it. So we ‘look at’ our bodies with judgemental eyes rather than feeling into our bodies.

When you can truly inhabit your body, it feels so good! To be able to do this though can be a process. There may well be psychological processes in order to understand why you are disconnected, where those messages and beliefs came from that led you to being separate. And there are somatic processes to enable you to re-enter your body, to live from the inside out. I say re-enter, because you were certainly in your body as an infant and small child. The separation came over time.

The simplest, yet most powerful, way to reconnect with your body is to breathe, and to notice the feeling of breathing in your body. Add to that body scans, where you slowly allow your mind to wander through your body. You can start at your toes and move up, or you can direct your mind to certain parts and go from there.

If there are parts of the body that have a negative charge associated with them, if you don’t want to go there or it feels bad when you are there, that’s ok, simply pay a short visit and send love from your heart. All it means is that part of your body has been the recipient of negative energy during your lifetime. It’s time to heal it gently, start to love it again, to reintegrate it into your mind and being.

The more you inhabit your body, the more you sense in the world. Simple, subtle things bring more ease and joy. You feel and enjoy your body moving, the senses are heightened, you enjoy tastes and smells, sounds and sights, touch. And certainly physical, sexual pleasure is greater – not through intensity but quite the opposite, through savouring the gentle, soft, rich. Very little is needed for a depth of feeling that is deep and rich and blissful. Sex becomes not something that you ‘do’ or that is ‘done to’ you. It is something that is experienced on the inside, with a letting go and openness to the feeling that wells from the inside.

This is living , and loving, in a state of mindful embodiment. Living and loving not just mindfully, but bodyfully.

I was talking to a female client recently who has become very sex averse. As she described her sexual history, I pointed out that it sounded like she’d been engaging in obligation sex with her husband for a long time and therefore had been subjecting herself to low-level sexual trauma.

“Oh, no” she immediately replied, “I consented to it.”

 She paused.

 I waited.

Then she softly added: “But not on the inside.”

She realised that she was ‘consenting’ to sex due to external pressures. She thought it was something she should do and so agreed to do. But in fact, on the inside, she was screaming a big “NO”.

And because she wasn’t wanting it, she wasn’t enjoying it, so it became a traumatic experience, which of course led to her never wanting it, ever, ever again.

What I find so interesting is that this is a highly educated professional woman. I see this so often. Women who in all other areas of life are independent and assertive and empowered, but who when it comes to sex, fall into the old patriarchal trope that sex is something a man does to a woman and her only options are to succumb or run. Either she goes along with his expectations (or what she thinks are his expectations) or she says ‘no’, either directly or more passively by avoiding any possibility of it happening.

And it’s not only something women experience with their male partners, I also see plenty of men who dutifully perform sex even though they don’t really want to, or who avoid the possibility of it happening. And I see it frequently in same sex couples.

So regardless of the gender and orientation of the couple, the problem is the lack of co-creation. Without that mutuality, there is no intimacy, there is no connection, and so the sex is at best mundane and at worst traumatic.

Whenever you find yourself asking: “What do I think my partner is wanting and how can I meet that real or supposed need?” – it’s going to be bad.

The question you need to ask yourself is: “What am I feeling right now? What I am wanting right now?”

Once you’ve identified that (and if you’re not used to paying attention to your own feelings that might not be easy), then you need to share it with your partner.

That sharing of yourself is a vulnerable, intimate act. So therefore it’s also scary and not easy if you’re not practiced at it. But that vulnerability and intimacy, that sharing of self,  is the precursor to quality sex and love-making. Without it you are not present to the engagement and it just becomes your body doing things or having things done to it, which to repeat my point above, makes sex either mundane at best or traumatic at worst.

In contrast, when both people are in touch with what they are feeling and wanting, and when both are sharing that, then the couple can co-create experiences that are good for both of them moment-by-moment.

Now sometimes, it is true, there may be disappointment if one person wants something that the other doesn’t; and there may be times where we might give things a go even if we’re not sure we’re into it at that moment – but always knowing that we  can change our minds, redirect the encounter, or bring it to a close at any time. So this sharing of self and co-creating is not some idealised version of sex where it’s all perfect and there aren’t any wobbly moments. Not at all. Sex, like the rest of life together, means there will be difference – whether it’s difference in what you want for dinner, how you want to spend the holidays, how frequently you want to visit the in-laws, etc, etc.

It’s never a ‘perfect flow’. But it is real and authentic and in that is freedom and creative expression from both sides. That is consent on the inside, and that is what makes for quality experiences.

Download Audio: A Lingering Sense of Each Other

Consider sex an energy rather than a behaviour. Just as we can sense love, and feel the energy of love with our hearts, the energy of sex is the same. With sex though, the energy comes from our pelvis, our sexual centre. 

But it’s not the ‘horny’ sense of sexual arousal, with an energy that wants to leave the body. That’s part of sex, sure. But the true sexual energy is a vital, life-giving force that rises upwards in the body, keeping us young and enlivened. When you let the sexual energy rise in this way, and combine it with your love energy, it becomes a beautiful potent energy that you can share with your partner all throughout your life. It connects you, nourishing your relationship and keeping an erotic flow going between you. This can be cultivated in myriad small ways of looks, smiles, acts of sweetness, through to longer friendly, intimate and sexual encounters. You feel it when you are together and also when you are apart.

After attending one of my couples retreats, one man described this as though their connection was “a frequency that had shifted from AM to FM”.

More recently, a male client described it as ”a lingering sense of each other”, which I think is a particularly beautiful and poetic way to describe this energtic connection.

It’s a sense of comfort, with a touch of yearning and vitality. With this “lingering sense of each other” the whole of your life together becomes sex. This gorgeous potent energy is always flowing between you. 

Download Audio: The Bridgerton Effect

The Netflix series Bridgerton has been hugely popular. This Regency-era romance series has had audiences rivetted by both the slow burn courting as well as the quality sex scenes.

I've been interviewed twice by journalists on the show – one on the romance side, which you can read here, and one on the sex side, which you can read here.

I was more than happy to do the interviews, because even though I found the storyline itself pretty light and trite (spoiler alert – she gets her man!), there are some good takeaways from the show.

Firstly, and traditionally, there is great inspiration in the way the couples court. It is slow and subtle, yet builds up an incredible erotic charge. As I’m quoted saying in the first article:

"Even if it's just a nice kiss on the cheek – you can still do that in an erotic way. I think Bridgerton showed us just how erotic the bare minimum can be, especially when these days people think they have to be naked and doing all sorts of crazy things on the first date. Energetic frisson is incredibly powerful and something we’ve really lost lately. It's the building of anticipation and sexual chemistry without doing anything overt."

Secondly, and more contemporarily, the sex scenes are excellent. To quote myself in the second article:

"We're starting to see sex portrayed differently on TV. Sex as art, sex as love, sex as something meaningful ... it's not porn, which is simply entertainment that can tap into the unresolved issues we have around sex."

The journalist was intrigued by what I meant by meaningful, quality sex. My reply was:

"In a 'bad' example it’s all about the sex and not about the connection. What we see in Bridgerton is a very deep connection between the lovers. We see the progression of the lovemaking, right from the frisson … often in movies they are up against the wall, not even looking at each other. Good sex happens between two sets of eyes, two sets of lips, two entire bodies."

Rather than the standard intense passion quickly moving to intercourse, shows such as this one as well as Outlander and Sense8 are showing better quality sex scenes (I'm sure there are others, those are two that I've seen). These scenes show the intricacies of sexual engagement: the connection between the partners, the lead-up to the genital engagement, a slower build, male partners pleasuring female partners, manual and oral pleasuring not just intercourse. You can see that it’s not just about 'getting off' but much more about tenderness and love and pleasure.

I sometimes get clients saying they want to have sex 'like on Outlander', so I encourage the couple to watch the sex scenes together and describe what it is about what they are seeing that is so erotic and appealing. It can really help a couple convey their sexual desire to each other. Often the subtleties can be hard to explain, often it's about what’s not happening as much as what is, so watching and pointing out what is being experienced is a great way to share and understand….and then practice!

Download Audio: Three Types of Sexual Communication: Chit-chat, In-the-moment and the Debrief

Download Audio: What I Desire

This is the text of a talk I gave at Generation Woman, about "What I Desire":

The simplest way to describe me is as a Sex Geek. I am fascinated by sex and love and intimacy in all its aspects – the physical, emotional, mental, social, anthropological and the spiritual. So, when it comes to talking about desire, well, that’s what I do all day. But it’s other people’s desire, or the concept in general; I rarely talk about my own, publicly, so this is a little different for me. And when I’m talking to an audience of women it’s usually for two days at a time, not five minutes. 

So, how do I talk about a topic I have dedicated my life to exploring, in five minutes, in a personal way…?

Well, given that people are always asking me how I became a sex therapist, I thought I’d start with how my desire for desire started. And if a shamanic journey I went on a few years ago is to be believed, it all started several lifetimes ago when I was a Tibetan lama, exploring how sexual energy can be used for spiritual growth – but ended up inadvertently traumatising a bunch of women, and slunk off in abashed horror and didn’t touch the subject again. In that experience, on that other plane of time and space, I was in a circle of those women, and had to bow down to each one and ask forgiveness, and I received it, as a blessing. It was beautiful. It explains why this time, in this plane of time and space, I’m a woman, have always understood the power of sexuality, but had, until that experience, felt some reluctance to express it – this stuff is dangerous!

But, a little more prosaically, and looking at this life-time, I cast my mind back 15 years, not long after my third child was born. It was at a social event for the parents at my eldest child’s school. There was a couple there; the woman had sadly been widowed the year before and she was there with her new boyfriend. They were obviously in the throes of new love and people were teasing them with comments of ‘enjoy it while it lasts’, ‘It never lasts’ and so forth. 

Well, I’d had a few drinks and piped up with ‘What do you mean? My husband and I are having the best sex we’ve ever had!’ The group went quiet, there were stunned faces all around, and then there was a rush of comments; ‘How can you say you’re having the best sex you’ve ever had? You’ve got three kids. You’ve got a baby for christssake – how can you be having any sex, let alone the best sex ever?!”

The penny dropped – I realised that all those jokes about sex getting bad in long-term relationships were actually true. This was people’s grim reality. Oh my god, these people needed help! So, I wrote a book for parents, Great Sex After Kids, did a master’s degree in sexual health to qualify as a sex therapist, and haven’t looked back.

It’s been an amazing 15 years, following my passion. My marriage ended not long after. ‘Can’t you just be normal?’ pleaded my rather boring husband, “Ah, no,” I replied. We’d always had a great sex life, but there started an even more amazing journey of discovery, depth and richness. I wish I had several hours to tell you some of my experiences, so that you could really understand how awesome it is to be a sexually empowered woman!

But I don’t, so I want simply to say that my desire is that all women, all people in fact, (but tonight’s about us), that all women become sexually empowered. 

We’re only just coming out of the dark ages of female sexual suppression, and we’re all a bit confused about it. We had thousands of years under the patriarchy, with  female sexuality being solely used to satisfy men’s sexuality. You were either the good girl or the bad girl. If you were the good girl, the purpose of your sexuality was to make offspring for your husband to continue his family line, and if you were the bad girl, the purpose of your sexuality was to provide pleasure for him – and never the twain would meet. The peak of this suppression was the Victorian era, just 120 years ago. At that time, it was medical dogma that women were not sexual and had no sexual feelings or responses.

But that’s all back-to-front! My secret for you women here tonight, and take this knowledge deep into your souls, deep into your wombs, is that women are more sexual than men. Our sexual response is broader, richer, greater than a man’s. Even Masters and Johnson, the original sex researchers back in the 1950’s, said that women’s sexual response far outweighs men’s. 

And this is my second secret to you. I’ve spoken in intimate detail to thousands of men about their sex lives and I always ask them the question: what do you love most about sex? What they all reply, even the dick-heads, is: her pleasure. A man cannot truly enjoy sex if his partner isn’t enjoying it. Men do not like the feeling of masturbating inside their partners. 

I have a men’s panel at my women’s workshop, where the participants can ask a panel of five or six men anything at all. Recently someone asked them what it feels like when their penis is inside a vagina. Well, they all looked like they were having a beatific vision, then one said, ‘It feels pathetically grateful!’ and they all looked at each other and nodded.

The penis is not an instrument of oppression. It only is if you feel oppressed. If you feel empowered, it is an instrument of love and pleasure. When you invite that instrument of love and pleasure deep into your vagina, when you embrace it with your warmth and softness and hold it deep, right up into your womb-space, that most powerful and sacred place in the entire universe, that place where the mystery of life is created, that space which only women have. When you invite him there, when you hold him there, in heaven, you allow him to soften, to release all the sexual baggage that men also hold, you allow pure, rich pleasure, a pleasure that makes us porous to love.

‘What the world needs now is love’. ‘Make love not war’. ‘Follow your bliss’. All these slogans from the 60’s, the decade of my birth, are true. It took half a century from the Victorian era to get to that realisation, and it’s taken another half to progress to getting to the #metoo and now the Gillette movements. It’s not that long, really, considering the patriarchy was around for three thousand years or more.

What we need, my sexy sexual sisters, is not continuing a war between the sexes; we’re not from Mars and Venus, we’re all from Earth. We’ve got to break out of this patriarchal mode of thinking that men are still somehow controlling our sexuality and own our sexuality. Own it from the inside. It’s not just about the sex act, it’s about feeling this powerful, creative, joyful energy that is inside all of us, and letting it flow.

That is my desire.

This piece of erotic fiction is the Creative Synthesis I wrote as part of the research dissertation for my Masters of Science degree in Consciousness, Spirituality and Transpersonal Psychology. The research topic was: A Heuristic Inquiry into the Transformative Potential of Optimal Sexuality within a Relational Context.

You'll find reading this erotic fiction an easy and enjoyable way of getting across the findings - which is essentially the essence of the overall approach in this blog...

You can also read two case studies of the research participants after the story.

F-Day Anniversary

Her:

You wake. It’s the eighth anniversary of F-Day – Freedom Day. The day you discovered your tedious husband was bonking one of the attendants at the golf club. You’ll never forget the feeling – first a numbness from the shock, then an incredible feeling of release. It was as though something woke up in your belly, in your womb, and slowly expanded throughout your body, awakening a joy, a release, an aliveness you hadn’t felt in years, if ever. You recall your surprise as it actually felt sexual, this feeling of your whole body being awake and alive. Nothing like the dutiful dull, late-night rutting of your husband relieving himself inside you – not that that happened much anymore, he seemed as jaded by it all as you; nor anything like the early years of youthful sleeping around because you were drunk, horny and it seemed like fun at the time. No, this felt like… I Am Woman! I Am Powerful! I Am Free!

These past eight years, really, it’s like a totally different life. Everything changed. You learned to meditate and continue to practice daily; you took up contact improv dancing and learned to express and connect; you got back into art in a way you hadn’t since you were teenager, when you’d stay back hours after school immersed in your passion…

It was at your first exhibition that you met the man now lying next to you. It wasn’t exactly love at first sight, but there was something about the ease with which he held himself, his genuine interest in you and your art, that led you to agree to meet for a drink, then dinner, then…. a marvelous journey of life and love together.

You roll over and nestle into him, feeling his warmth, his physicality. Six years on and it feels as new as it ever did. A world away from that old relationship, this is one is fully mutual, every aspect of it open to discussion, every aspect co-created. And the sex! You’d gone a little crazy after the separation, you wanted to discover and explore and yes, you had a lot of great experiences and learned a lot about yourself. But this, the depth of engagement, well, you’d always had a sense in the core of your being that it could be like this, but to experience it, over and over again, for it to get better and better…

You reflect on the night before, how you’d come to bed after a long but satisfying day in the studio, greeted by your smiling partner who had dimmed the lights and turned on music. Just walking into the bedroom felt like sanctuary, a place of peace. He’d had a restful day and was wanting to engage sexually. So tired, you thanked him for the offer, for his desire, expressing how in that moment you were just too tired. He offered instead to simply stroke your skin…

So softly, so lovingly, you feel yourself letting go, the thoughts of the day settling, in their place a feeling of calm and peace, while your body softens and opens. His caresses cover your whole torso, arms, breasts, belly, passing between your legs, gently, softly, lightly.

“Mmm, come inside”. No more is needed, you are ready to invite him in, to let him enter you, to embrace him on the inside. The entry is gentle, slow. Legs wrapped around him, arms too, you both rest on full entry, feeling into the intimacy of the connection, closer than is ever possible. Your whole body is awake, alight, small tremors of bliss running through your body.

He rolls you over. You feel his weight. It is both comforting and erotic. You turn your head to watch the reflection in the mirror. In the dim light you admire the curves of his body, his buttocks moving in, and out, feeling the tension of your arched pelvis, your whole being awash in deliciousness. He reaches around to touch your clit, no, you brush his hand away, that would be too focused, take you away from the bliss state you’re in…

You smile as you recall how it was so lovely yet you were so tired you started to fall asleep. So, you both stopped. He too was in a state of bliss and didn’t need to climax. You can’t quite remember, but you think you fell asleep with him still inside you.

Him:

You wake as you feel your partner stir and nestle her body into yours, you raise a gentle smile as her hand rests on your sleeping penis. It’s soothing. You breathe into the feeling, grateful for her tenderness, her love, her strength. You know it is F-Day for her, she might speak lightly of it, but you know how hard it was and what courage it took for her to turn her life around and to explore and grow so much. You are so grateful. After so many years of holding on to the dream that one day you would meet a woman who could truly be your partner, finally you did. After years of needy women, narcissistic women, unavailable women, women more interested in your bank balance or your sperm than you as a person, after years of personal and spiritual development, you did indeed meet the love of your life. You don’t know whether it was simply chance or some push from forces unknown that led you to cut through a little laneway that evening and so pass by a tiny art gallery that had people spilling out onto the pavement, laughing and chatting as they drank champagne. You’re not sure why you went into the gallery, yet you did, and met the artist, a petite woman, as tiny as the gallery she was exhibiting in, but with a radiance that belied her size and drew you in… and which led to now, a relationship that isn’t easy - she can be fiery and you fixedly stubborn, you actually agreed to couples therapy and attending a retreat early on to learn how to relate well – but that has such ease. There’s a sense of being known and accepted and truly loved.

And the sex! Your penis stirs, thickening a little at the thought. Your mind drifts back to a weekend in the mountains a month ago…

You have tied her to the bed. Intricate crochet runs up each leg, her torso, around her arms stretched to the bedhead. You are the artist, and she the art. The creativity, the sensuality of the rope, her skin, the ever so slow pace of looping the rope into knots, sensing her shift into a deeper and deeper state of letting go, your own state of flow, creates such a deep erotic charge. In a rustic cabin with wide windows overlooking the forest, it feels primal, extraordinarily arousing. You’d been surprised when she first mentioned her desire for this, not long after you met. At first wary - you were no macho domineering male – with lots of discussion you realised that it had nothing to do with power, and everything to do with sensuality, connection, expression. You even went to rope school to learn more! This openness, this sharing, is what makes this relationship so right, it’s all on the table - your desires, your fears. You’ve never been with a woman who you could trust enough to be so vulnerable and so open.

You lose track of time. You’re aware that the sky through the windows changes from blue to pink to indigo, yet there is just an intense experience of now. Your awareness moves from your inner physicality, to your combined physicality, to a sense of merging with all around you. At times you sense other beings in the space, it seems odd, but it feels like Bacchus is sitting beatifically in the corner watching you, a huge smiling horned Buddha. You feel blessed.

You can totally let go. You don’t have to be responsible for her – you already know her pleasures from all your discussions, and most importantly, you know she’s responsible for herself so will let you know in the moment if there is anything she wants or doesn’t like. No mind-reading! Such freedom! You find you can simply flow with the experience, your mind still, your body engaged, your heart open and your soul alive. You love all the ways she responds: periods of heightened ecstatic state, localised clitoral explosions, waves of orgasm where pleasure flows through her whole body bringing on shudders and shakes. You feel these too, allowing the pleasure to flow in your body and only choosing ejaculatory orgasm once you know the encounter is ending, releasing expansively as her final wave of orgasm crests.

You still feel the heightened awareness throughout the next day as you hike through the forest, your senses more aware, the air fresher, the bird calls clearer, the vegetation lusher, the awareness of her presence walking next to you more vibrant…

Them:

Your reflections of these recent encounters leave you reflecting on how the feeling of love and bliss that arises in your sexual union permeates the whole of life. It is so joyful. You feel more alive than ever, more grateful for existence than ever. Everything is heightened – from the flavours of breakfast that you have together every morning, through to your work and your play. You feel more confident, more engaged with life. It’s easy to be your true self, and you notice that this has a positive effect on others. It feels easy to give back to the world as you are receiving so much within your own small part of it. Each sexual encounter is cleansing and purifying, releasing a sexual energy which refreshes and rejuvenates you throughout the rest of life.

“Mmm” you groan in pleasure at the thought. You pull yourselves away from your reveries to face each other. You lean forward and take in the smell of your partner’s face, the musky scent of their skin. You taste them as your lips and tongue touch your beloved’s eyes, brow, nose, cheeks, ears and chin, their lips and tongue. Then, you merge into each other.

Eyes closed, you are hovering in ecstasy as the rhythm of your bodies goes on and on. You feel the tingling waves of energy, low guttural growls emerging from deep in your body. You open your eyes and see your beloved looking at you, seeing into you. Your eyes are locked as you release the orgasm, riding the wave of pleasure together.

Ripples of deliciousness continue to dance through your bodies as you roll apart and lie next to each other. Then you laugh, and laugh, a full-on giggle-gasm, your bodies soft, your hearts open and your souls cleansed.

And so, another day living in the richness and sweetness of Eros energy begins…

Two Case Studies

Penny & Pat

Penny and Pat are in their mid-50s, have been together for 28 years and have three adult children.

They say: “We have a great sex life, which includes great sex and average sex and adequate sex and fantastic sex”, “… and ‘meh’ sex sometimes”, yet “…the overall sense of sex as part of our relationship is fantastic”.

In terms of the eight criteria of optimal sexuality:

Presence. “It’s really important” to be present. They are conscious of any spectatoring tendency and have learned to bring themselves back to the present, so that the sexual encounter becomes “meditative”.

Emotional Connection. Their connection “permeates life in general…we’re very in sync”. In terms of sex “we just seem to come together and there’s a flow to it”.

Erotic Intimacy. Deep, sexual or erotic intimacy? “Yeah, we definitely have that. 100%.” “There are no barriers…we’re absolutely together…There’s nothing we haven’t told each other.”

Communication. They feel they “have fantastic communication. Very open. Very honest. Very immediate.” Penny notes that “communication has been the foundation and that absolutely came before optimal sexuality”, and states their mutual feeling that “communication is transformational.”

Risk-taking. This has been a big part of their sexual journey together, which they put down to “being able to share, and know it’s going to be shared in a safe space”. The sharing of their desires, on both sides, has led to major shifts and growth in openness and their ability to take risks that are “challenging”, “way out of [our] comfort zone”, yet which “felt very safe in terms of our relationship”.

Authenticity. “I can’t not [be]. I don’t have another mode. This is it.” Although there are compromises at times, this is “conscious compromise and lovingly made.”

Vulnerability. They both admitted that vulnerability has been and continues to be a process, both sexually and in relationship in general. Pat acknowledged that: “To give in completely, to let go is quite challenging but when it does happen, there’s more likely to be a transcendental experience… and a higher peak orgasm.” Penny admitted: “I think I could revel more…allowing my body to feel those sensations enough to be swept away in the next stage”.

Transcendence. They laughingly commented that they lose time so completely that they have to set an alarm! Penny strongly related to transcendent bliss after a sexual encounter, including lots of laughter. Pat related to the concept in terms of: “losing yourself in space and time”.<

Their Journey

There have been two pivotal points in their sexual journey, the first a five-year period of positive opening, starting around 15 years ago, and the second a three-year crisis period starting around seven years ago.

They have always had a good relationship and been great friends, although there was “a long period where our sex life was fairly normal in terms of frequency and bits of guilt and not being satisfied or not quite having it as often as you’d like”.

Fifteen years into the relationship “that shifted big time when we started exploring, first in our fantasies [about] playing with other people and then in reality, and that was a massive change”.
They had a jewellery business and brought out a range of erotic jewellery, which took them to erotic trade shows. In that sexually charged environment they started sharing fantasies. Penny had erotic photos taken of her, which “was transformative…the start of the real shift where we connected [and] started developing these shared fantasies”. Pat stresses: “we were coming from a very secure place…so we were able to stand our ground and go against society norms”.

Part of that change was for Pat to explore the shadow side of his erotic arousal: “I’d shut it down and closed it off and didn’t want to go there because it just wasn’t ‘normal’”. Acknowledging his desire to see Penny with another man “ignited a real powerful erotic charge”.

This shift took place over five years, at the end of which they closed their jewellery business, freeing them from stress, and they started acting on their fantasies. Going to a swinging party in 2010 “was a massive unleashing” of emotional openness and joint exploratory freedom. Planning and discussing their desires became “very much part of our consciousness… it heightened everything”.

Six years ago, there were three difficult years of deaths and illnesses in the family, during which time Penny was feeling depressed and miserable. Pat was studying counselling, going on a self-development journey and getting stronger, while Penny was struggling and feeling jealous. When Pat was diagnosed with prostate cancer and given six months to live the shock shifted Penny out of her stuck state. They went on a Tantra retreat after his operation, in part out of fear that Pat wouldn’t be able to maintain erections (which turned out not to be the case), which got them back on track sexually and relationally.

Confidence is the biggest change they’ve both noticed. While they assert that it’s hard to separate out sexual from personal and relational growth, “the sexual thing has definitely contributed to our connection, our joy, our satisfaction, our bliss, our sense of safety”.

The swinging element is a vital part of their sexual relationship, but always as a joint activity: “The fantasy exploration is so completely about each other, and enjoying the pleasure of each other with another…is also both high and deep” , highlighting that in fact “often the deepest bit of it comes at the end of the night, when we are just back together as the two of us.”

In closing the interview, they wanted to stress how “freedom is a massive element of this”. They are intentionally not married: “for us having a ground of commitment and security and everything else but within also a sense of freedom, there’s not obligation. I think that enhances our experience... That’s really important.” Pat agrees, adding that this freedom is “a state of mind”.

They both had long marriages with limited sexuality. They both explored after their marriages ended, with Corinne having more experiences than Andreas when they met. They met at a kink workshop and their relationship started on that basis before becoming romantic. In the past two years their sexual relating has become less fantasy-based and more embodied, which they find much deeper and connecting than before.

In terms of the eight criteria of optimal sexuality:

Communication. They communicate verbally, emotionally and physically. Andreas feels he’s sensitive to Corinne’s body. Openness has grown, particularly with Andreas, although they acknowledge there is further to go in this respect. They feel that “our physical connection really is our biggest communication skill…It’s a really comfortable space. It’s a very safe space.”

Authenticity. Authenticity is so much part of them and their sexuality that Corinne simply said: “100%” when asked about authenticity, with Andreas adding “it’s…who we are”.

Transcendence. They highlight how the transcendent element of their sexuality is linked to safety, letting go, openness and timelessness. Corinne explains “I have very deep sexual experience, I become multi-orgasmic…that to me is really transformative because that to me is letting go 100%”. This is in part because “I feel incredibly at peace in our bed. It’s just the safest place in the world”, and “If Andreas touches me sometimes now, I just go, oh that’s it, I’m on.” For Andreas: “it’s that transcendental thing and the openness and the space and the timelessness and just being in another realm really”, which he adds is more likely during their longer Sunday morning sessions.

For Andreas it has been an ongoing journey of self-discovery from his 20s. Since meeting Corinne, that journey has included his sexuality.

Corinne didn’t like sex with her ex-husband. Three pivotal points happened: they couldn’t have kids, she had to have a hysterectomy and her husband left her for another woman. Then she became very sexually aroused! She did a women’s sexuality workshop with the author, saw a male escort, and then met Andreas in the kink scene: “I was not open sexually until I met [Andreas], and then I just did everything and anything. We engaged in all sorts of stuff. No hesitation.”

They are not interested in any form of non-monogamy unless with a paid professional (which they have done once with a dominatrix).

In terms of what has most contributed to their sexual growth: 

Andreas: “Everything really!” 

Corinne: “The vulnerability factor”.

Andreas: “Communicating”.

Corinne: “Being supportive…that creates more playtime.”

Andreas: “Yeah…it helps bind us together but it also makes our relationship impervious.”

Andreas says “I’m just happy now”, “much more confident, no-one bothers me anymore”. Corinne agrees: “He’s always smiling…he really is happy, he’s very content”. 

Corinne also feels “I’m more relaxed and happier as a person”. Andreas adds that she is more direct and owns what she wants.