I often see clients who have put their partner on a sexual pedestal. They believe their partner has their sexual act together, and somehow they have to meet their partner’s sexual level. I see this whether in long-term relationships or in casual encounters.

It’s this belief that you are sexual inadequate and your partner is sexually competent, and you set the sexual bar at the other’s supposed level of sexuality.

This approach is destined to fail.

• For a start, no-one is perfectly sexually proficient, we’re all fallible human beings who are never perfect or totally competent in any area of life.
• Secondly, sexuality is an ever-fluctuating thing, it’s never a static constant ‘level’.
• And most importantly, quality sex is never about meeting another person’s sexual needs/wants/expectations, it’s about two people co-creating a unique experience of pleasure and connection based on their own desires moment-by-moment.

I do see this a lot more in women than in men (including same sex attracted women). No doubt it comes from all those millenia of patriarchy where a women’s sexual role was solely to satisfy the husband. At least back then the demands weren’t so high, just lie back and think of England while he does his business inside you, and pop out a couple of heirs along the way. These days though, the assumed sexual bar is way higher. Women feel they have to provide all sorts of sexual services to satisfy their partner’s presumed expectations.

>And yes, there are men who are still caught up in a toxic masculinity of sexual entitlement. But when we really get down to it, it’s a rare person who wants to engage sexually with a partner who doesn’t want to be there, especially when it’s someone you love.

Often women don’t even realise they’ve internalised an assumption that they have to meet their partner’s needs. They are often shocked to realise they’ve unconsciously put him or her on a pedestal, and that that is why they are feeling inadequate.

Men certainly do this too. I see so many men who are also burdened by the weight of assumed expectations and requirements. The pressure and the anxiety it causes leads them either to avoid sex or to have erectile and ejaculatory problems if they do engage.

Can you see what the underlying problem is here? Notice all the words I’ve used – belief, supposed, assumed, presumed. You don’t know, you’re assuming!

So, the solution is straightforward – find out. Ask, talk, discuss, get curious.

My last blog article was about finessing your understanding of your partner, and there is no area of relational life that requires more understanding, than the sexual. So much of our sexuality is unspoken, unshared, unknown (often even our own, let alone our partner’s). Yet without that awareness of self and other, it’s impossible to co-create. In the sexual realm that means limiting ourselves sexually and generally falling into set scripts and often resulting in little, if any, sex at all.

It’s actually one of the things I love most about my work, seeing how people transform when they realise that they’ve been operating under a whole lot of assumptions about sex and about their partner, which has kept them closed-off, fearful, anxious, feeling inadequate and unsure. That’s a very heavy mantel to be cloaking yourself with in an area of life that is supposed to be light and pleasurable and connecting.

Just this week a couple I’ve been working with for some months came in. Despite her husband’s ongoing insistence that he didn’t want to have sex with her if she didn’t want it, and that he really wanted to know what she wanted, she was really struggling to believe him and remove her entrenched beliefs that sex revolved around his supposed requirements that she had to meet. She attended my Luscious Woman Workshop and came into the next session bright-eyed and beaming saying: “I get it! I totally get it!” Going on to explain how finally being able to let go of all those assumed expectations was such a weight lifted that she is now able to be free to feel and express what she wants. They are now loving the mutuality of sexual intimacy, the lightness and freedom, and are feeling it flow through the whole of their lives together.

This is such a good example of how profound and liberating it is when you can feel and express your authentic sexual self.

Consent is of course essential to quality sex. I think we all agree on that in the year 2021. But generally, that’s considered a ‘yes’ at the start of a linear process that once started has to go through all the steps, right to the end, meeting all the expected KPI’s along the way. That’s what the ‘yes’ has agreed to.

But what if you don’t want to go through the linear process? What if you don’t know yet if you want step 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever your script is? Or even if you thought you might, what if you change your mind along the way and want to do something different or stop altogether? In the standard model of sex it’s too late, you’ve already said ‘yes’, you’ve already given consent.

Or conversely, if you think your consent is saying yes to the whole process and you don’t know yet if you want to go to the later steps, then you might say ‘no’ up-front. Which is rather like saying ‘no’ to a meal because you don’t know if you’ll want dessert yet.

In the non-linear approach to sex that I advocate, consent is a moment-by-moment experience. What am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Then, what am I feeling and wanting in this moment? Throughout the whole experience.

Having this conscious, mindful awareness of where you’re at, and communicating it with each other (checking in verbally if you’re not sure) means that you break free of the limited linear scripts that most people fall into. Instead you open yourself up to a co-created process of authentic self-expression. That way the sexual encounter can be as simple as a kiss and a cuddle, all the way through to potentially hours of varied love-making.

What’s important is what you are feeling in the moment and expressing that. In this way a sexual act evolves, it unfolds moment-by-moment. Each sexual encounter becomes unique, meeting your needs and desires at all points along the way, creating an experience of mutuality, connection, pleasure and satisfaction.

Sometimes a client tells me they feel they are too ‘needy’ because they want to connect with their partner more. Or in contrast, a client tells me they feel their partner is too ‘needy’ because they want to connect with them more. And occasionally they are right, the ‘needy’ partner lacks self-assurance and uses their partner to fill a hole in themselves. But more often the clients have bought into a belief, so common in our society, that idolises individuality.

Yet humans are social creatures, we are pair-bonding creatures. It’s not ‘needy’ to desire connection, it’s human.

We’ve evolved that way. Why? Because we have very large brains and therefore very large skulls. This means that compared to most other mammal species, humans give birth to our young very prematurely, while the infant’s skull is still small enough to get out of the mother. So, our infants are born totally helpless – they can’t even hold up their heads! It takes seven years for a human infant to get to the level of independence that most mammals get to in a few weeks or months.

Other mammal species don’t need fathers. Once he’s done his job of impregnation the mother can gestate, birth and raise her infants all on her own. There is no ‘fatherhood’ in other mammal species, it’s not needed. But with humans, with our demanding, slow-growing young, a human mother couldn’t do that on her own, she needed the dad to stick around and help. And not just the dad, the grandparents – in fact the whole tribe! Which is a key reason why humans have always got around in groups, why families stick together and why we pair-bond. Having our tribe, our family, our beloved around and in close contact leads humans to feeling safe and secure, content and loved-up; and that's what enables us to raise our young and survive as a species.

Love and connection is actually the driver of human evolution. This cooperation and connection has enabled humans to evolve to develop our big brains and be the successful species that we are.

Sure, we need alone time too, but the total loner is an exception in humans. The drive to independence that we’ve had in western society is not natural. It doesn’t make us happy. So, people who lack human connection seek satisfaction through money and power and the other external trappings of “success”, or through drugs, alcohol and screen-based entertainment to numb or distract from the disconnect. None of which provide the calm contentment and genuine satisfaction that connection brings.

How do we get that connection? Through conversation, through doing things together and for each other, through hugs and touch, through smiles, through knowing others and being known. The closer other people are to us, the more important the connection is. A smile and a nod is a pleasant connection with a neighbour, with our partner though, we need a lot more – time together, lots of touch and smiles and so importantly, sexual intimacy, the type of connection that we don’t get from anyone else (even if you are in an open or polyamorous relationship, the connection between the primary partners needs to be the strongest). And as so much of my writing and work is about, that sexual intimacy is deep and connected, not the disconnected fucking that so many people unfortunately think of as ‘sex’.

If you’ve come from an emotionally constipated family where touch and other forms of connection weren’t strong, you might find this hard. But don’t worry, it’s just learned behaviour and can be unlearned. Because the need for connection, especially touch, is so innate in humans, it can be relearned.  I can assure you that with focus, practice and support from your partner and other loved ones, and possibly with a good therapist, you can become more comfortable with touch, connection and true intimacy.  Trust me, it feels so good once you open up. You don’t have to be an island unto yourself, you can connect with individuals, groups, with humanity as a whole, and so importantly, with the earth and the ecosystem of which we are all one. 

Download Audio: Subtle Shifts to Great Sex

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

Answer: We’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex!Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine, it’s the model they’re trying to operate within that’s the problem. Seriously, we can’t all be that sexually dysfunctional. I may be a one-woman campaigner here, but hello world, it’s the model of sex that’s dysfunctional, not the people.

It’s not surprising really. We had thousands of years of sexual suppression. In that time, we brought up our girls to know nothing about their sexuality (even today most girls grow up knowing very little – did your mother talk to you about your clitoris? Did she discuss with you how to relate to your lover for maximum pleasure?), and all the boys knew was masturbation. So, with no other information, when they got married, the husband would continue to ‘masturbate’ inside his wife’s vagina. Think about it – masturbation has three parts to it: first you have to be horny, then the main focus is the genital friction (anything else is just ‘foreplay’) and it finishes with his ejaculation. When the sexual revolution happened in the 60s and 70s, the only model of sex we had was this one, and it has stuck and if anything has become more entrenched

Throw away that masturbatory model, which is fine for solo sex, and instead embrace a model of partnered sex that focuses on pleasure, intimacy, connection, fun, and all those good things. Sex is about two people coming together and having a co-created experience. It’s not two people coming together and getting each other off. Sure, orgasms are great, but they are an outcome of sex, not the point of it.

Now back to you and your non-ejaculating boyfriend. Can you see that your question is based on the assumption that he ‘should’ ejaculate and that you ‘should’ give him that ejaculation. Yet, he says he’s loving it!

The problem here is the expectation of what it should be, rather than the enjoyment of the experience. If he’s loving it then you’re engaging in a really positive way. If he really needs to ejaculate, chances are he can do that through intercourse.

So you’re feeling bad because of the pressure you’re putting on yourself to give him an orgasm, and no doubt you’re also putting pressure on him to orgasm. If there’s one thing that gets in the way of orgasm, it’s the pressure to orgasm. If he knows that you are frustrated with his lack of orgasm, that is going to cause him pressure, which is going to make his orgasm even more unlikely.

Relax. If you’re enjoying giving him oral, and he’s enjoying receiving it, then that’s pleasure, that’s connection, that’s what partnered sex is all about. And with this approach, focusing on the experience not the outcome, you’re actually going to be more likely to have orgasm be part of that experience. No pressure though!

Download Audio: Q&A: My Partner Doesn't Climax from Oral Sex and I'm Worried

Download Audio: On Being a Human in a Female Body

At my last Couples Retreat in Bali I made the comment to some participants that I don't feel like a woman, I feel like a human in a female body. The shocked reaction came back: "But you're so womanly, you're gorgeous, the epitome of being female, a veritable goddess!"

Which I have to say was definitely very flattering, if a little excessive!

But actually, I believe the reason I come across as so "womanly" is that I have balanced my yin and yang, my masculine and feminine, within myself. I simply feel 'human' and then I inhabit a female body. And I have to say I love having a female body! But you know, if I had a male body, I'm not sure I'd feel that different, and I'm sure I'd love having a male body. Because being human and having a body is a pretty cool thing when you think about it. Miraculous actually.

So much of my work with people is to find that internal balance. Our journey in life is in large part to develop those sides of ourselves that have been stunted (eg men not in touch with their vulnerable side, or women not in touch with their powerful side) so that we can become more whole within ourselves.

There is a school of sexual thought, particularly in the more Tantric circles, that there has to be a polarization between a man and a woman for transcendent sexual experiences. I disagree. The polarity doesn't come from having different chromosomes, it comes from the interplay of yin and yang, the leading and following, the giving and receiving, and the transcendence comes from the meeting of two open, vulnerable, authentic human beings.

This is why in my Tantra-based couples retreats I welcome same sex couples, because it's not about your genitals, it's about your ability to be mindfully embodied as an individual and to create resonance between you as a couple.

Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.

The problem with this limited view is that it assumes that:

• Intercourse is the “main event” or “the whole point” of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that “main event”
• Intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required.

But let’s look at this differently. Let’s take a less linear view of sex and say that:

• Intercourse isn’t the main event, that it isn’t the whole point, that it’s just one of many elements and possibilities of sex and lovemaking
• Intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous, so it doesn’t necessarily require lots of preparation
• Intercourse can, in essence, be part of the foreplay.

Now that’s a very different point of view!

You’ll notice that I often focus on sensuality and exploring the “valleys” of sex as well as the “peaks”, and particularly on softening and making the genitals more receptive. With this approach the lines between foreplay and sex blur and it all becomes part of a flow of lovemaking that changes every time and can last from moments to hours.

Gentle intercourse can start the whole sexual encounter, even without any movement at all! Having your genitals connected while gazing into each other’s eyes, or kissing, or simply lying there enjoying the feeling of genital connection - is a type of foreplay. That could be enough in itself, or it might lead on to more vigorous intercourse, or more vigorous oral or manual, or bring in toys, lie around in 69 for ages, get up and dance, chat, have a cup of tea, and then do it all again…

Anything's possible...

Create something wonderful and new every time!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "Hoping you can shed some light. Two months ago I decided to end a wonderful relationship, due to my partner's desire to have sex twice a day. He told me this is normal for him, and that he had it like that in his last two long-term relationships. It all came to a head when he told me he wasn’t ready for us to live together and be defacto. I felt I was being sexually used, and called it quits. But we still love one another and talk regularly and have huge chemistry between us. Can you help me? Is it normal in your 50s to be wanting sex twice a day, and how can we find a compromise?"

Answer: What’s normal is that everyone is different! There are so many elements to sex – the lead-up, initiation, timing, activities, pace, rhythm, location, atmosphere, props, aftercare – you’re always going to be different. Every couple faces the challenge of co-creating a sex life that suits you both.

But since you ask, let’s focus on the frequency point for a moment. In regard to what’s ‘normal’ in terms of frequency, the Australian Study of Health and Relationship a few years ago came up with an average of 1.4 times per week for partnered people. That’s about six times a month. Body+Soul also did a survey recently and discovered that 8% of respondents had sex most days (5% of those in their 50s), and another 36% answered that they had sex 1-3 times a week. At the other end of the scale, 15% said they never had sex and 20% said they had sex less than every three months (32% of those in their 50s). So, you can see there is a broad range of ‘normal’.

Your partner is definitely at the far end of frequency. If the average is six times a month and he’s wanting it 60 times a month, that’s ten times the average! Which is not to say it’s too much, only that if it’s more than you want, then there needs to be some understanding and co-creating.

Do you know why he wants it so often? Is it that he finds you so goddamn gorgeous that he can’t get enough of you? If so, while that’s flattering, perhaps what he really wants is connection and intimacy. In which case, twice daily bouts of quality conversation and cuddling could satisfy his needs, with less frequent genital engagement. Or is it that he has the urge to ejaculate twice a day and it actually has very little desire for you (as much as I’m sure he does like sex with you). In which case, masturbation is the best way to scratch that itch, and leave the partnered activity to when you’re both wanting connection and mutual pleasure. Or maybe he’s bored or stressed in life and uses orgasms like other people eat chocolate bars, that is, it’s something that gives him a quick fix and makes him feel better. In which case I suggest he do some soul searching about life, love and happiness, and stop imposing his dysfunctional needs on you.

And what about you? You mention nothing of your own needs and desires in your question. You talk more about your annoyance at his needs and feeling used if you meet them. You need to also know why you have sex. How do you like to get in the mood? How do you like to approach or be approached? What turns you on and what turns you off? Would you be open to frequent bouts of cuddling, only some of which turn into PIV (penis in vagina activity)? Until you can answer these questions, you can’t co-create a love-life together.

It sounds as though you two do love and desire each other. That’s a great start. So, forget about the quantity and get talking about the how and the what and the why. That’s what’s important. You will always be different, whether it’s with this partner or with someone else. The key to having a great sex life is being aware of yourself and being aware of your partner, and that requires talking about it openly, without feelings of entitlement or obligation. If you struggle to do this together, work with a qualified professional to help with the communicating. In this way you will get understanding, creativity and lots of love, intimacy, pleasure and great sex!