The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#276: Intercourse as Foreplay

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 14, 2019



Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.



The problem with this limited view is that it assumes that:
  • Intercourse is the “main event” or “the whole point” of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that “main event”

  • Intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required


But let’s look at this differently. Let’s take a less linear view of sex and say that:
  • Intercourse isn’t the main event, that it isn’t the whole point, that it’s just one of many elements and possibilities of sex and love-making
  • Intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous so it doesn’t necessarily require lots of preparation
  • Intercourse can, in essence, be part of the foreplay.


Now that’s a very different point of view!

You’ll notice that I often focus on sensuality and exploring the “valleys” of sex as well as the “peaks”, and particularly on softening and making the genitals more receptive.... read more


#273: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 23, 2019

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#273: Q&A: Is It Normal to Want Sex Twice A Day?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 23, 2019



From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "Hoping you can shed some light. Two months ago I decided to end a wonderful relationship, due to my partner's desire to have sex twice a day. He told me this is normal for him, and that he had it like that in his last two long-term relationships. It all came to a head when he told me he wasn’t ready for us to live together and be defacto. I felt I was being sexually used, and called it quits. But we still love one another and talk regularly and have huge chemistry between us. Can you help me? Is it normal in your 50s to be wanting sex twice a day, and how can we find a compromise?"


Answer: What’s normal is that everyone is different! There are so many elements to sex – the lead-up, initiation, timing, activities, pace, rhythm, location, atmosphere, props, aftercare – you’re always going to be different. Every couple faces the challenge of co-creating a sex life that suits you both.

But since you ask, let’s focus on the frequency point for a moment. In regard to what’s ‘normal’ in terms of frequency, the Australian Study of Health and Relationship a few years ago came up... read more


#271: Q&A: How Do I Meet My Sexual Needs in a Sexless Marriage

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, November 09, 2019

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#264: The Pleasure of A Soft Cock

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, September 08, 2019

 

There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'.

 But what’s so wrong about a soft cock?

 Nothing, and there’s plenty of pleasure to be had with one:
  • It’s lovely and soft and malleable. 

  • It feels good for the man to have his soft cock handled. 

  • It’s easy for the woman to play with a soft cock with her hands or mouth.
  • Intercourse can feel better with a softer cock, particularly anal sex. 

  • You can even have sex with a completely soft cock. It’s part of the subtle approach I encourage, where you simply join genitals, do nothing, and notice the ecstatic sensations that arise.
If the woman wants something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, use your hands! Fingers have bones so they’re potentially always boners! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry... read more


#262: You Can Make Love With Just A Kiss

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, August 11, 2019

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#260: How To Stay In Love

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 07, 2019

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#257: Simple Sex is Good Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, May 26, 2019

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#256: Solo Sex: Mindful Masturbation

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, May 12, 2019



I’m going to talk about solo sex.

That’s right, masturbation, wanking, self-pleasuring, or as they refer to it in the ancient Taoist sexual tracts, self-cultivation. Why is this? Because the ability to self-pleasure is an important aspect of sexual empowerment and sexual development.

Unfortunately, it has had a bad rap over recent centuries. It has been seen as something unpleasant, even sinful, and so done furtively and secretly. I mean, when was the last time you had in-depth conversations with your friends on your favorite masturbatory techniques? Or as an adolescent did your parents encourage you to self-pleasure to explore your budding sexuality? I doubt it. Which is a shame, because it would have made a positive difference to your experience of sex.

It’s never too late, and I encourage everyone to enjoy the pleasures of solo sex. It’s a healthy part of everyone’s sex life, whether you’re single or partnered. People often think it’s secondary to partnered sex, and only something you’d do if you weren’t getting “the real thing”. But solo sex is fabulous in its own right, and when done well can enhance your ability to have better partnered sex.

When I say 'when it's done well' I mean when it's done... read more


#255: Own the Crone

Jacqueline Hellyer - Wednesday, May 01, 2019

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