The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#253: “When One is Pretending, the Whole Body Revolts”

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 24, 2019

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#252: Non-Linear Lovemaking: the "Picnic" Approach to Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 10, 2019

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#246: The Fairy Tales Got It Wrong

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, December 29, 2018

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#245: Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 02, 2018

 


There are some old sexual myths of men being “naturally promiscuous” to sow their seed, and women being “naturally monogamous” because it’s “natural” for a woman to be less sexual and on closer examination these myths have no basis in fact. The former because it is a misuse of evolutionary theory and the latter because it is based on historical suppression of women’s sexuality not their biological reality. (See A History of Sexual Misinformation for more on this.)

So what is real – are humans monogamous or not? Is monogamy a natural state that all humans gravitate to, or is it a social norm superimposed upon a different biological basis?

Well, it seems that monogamy is not biologically-based, it’s socially based. For an in-depth look at this issue I recommend you read the brilliant book “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. It’s a thoroughly researched and very entertaining read. The authors look at our biology, at prehistoric remains, at our closest ape relatives, at existing and recent hunter-gatherer societies, and present a very plausible argument that we haven’t evolved to be monogamous, that the concept of “possessing” a partner exclusively is a social development, not a biological one.

This... read more


#245: Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, December 02, 2018

Download Audio: Are Humans Naturally Monogamous - and if not, what does that mean?

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#244: Gigglegasms

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, November 18, 2018

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#242: Getting to Sex can be like Getting to the Gym

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, October 21, 2018

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#237: How to Avoid Spiritual Bypassing in Sex & Relationships

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, July 22, 2018




Sex within intimate relationships can be an extraordinary place to grow spiritually, to deepen in love, expand conscious awareness, to feel more peace, bliss, ease. But it’s also very easy to fall into what’s called spiritual bypassing, thinking that you’re becoming more spiritual but actually doing some or all of the following:

  • exaggerated detachment,
  • emotional numbing and repression,
  • overemphasis on the positive,
  • anger-phobia,
  • blind or overly tolerant compassion,
  • weak or too porous boundaries,
  • lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence),
  • debilitating judgement about one’s negative or shadow side,
  • devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and
  • delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being. *

Which means you’re bypassing doing the psychological work you need to do to actually be able to develop spiritually.

I see a lot of this in my work, here are the most common examples:

  • Spiritual narcissists, where one partner considers themselves spiritually ‘superior’ to the other. This may be because they have studied or engaged in spiritual practices more than their... read more


#235: The Three Phases of Conscious Relationship Evolution

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, June 24, 2018



Phase One: Two Become One


When we fall in love, there is so much newness and discovery that it’s very easy to feel like ‘two become one’, you feel you have so much in common! It’s just like the fairy-tales and you feel that you really will ‘live happily ever after’!!!

This is the ‘symbiotic’ phase of a relationship. It’s a very important part and builds a strong foundation.
 
Symbiosis or Fusion?

However, inevitably, you start to realise that two have not become one, two are still two. The cracks start to appear, your differences are more obvious and unsettling. I call this the ‘aargh’ phase of a relationship.

Sometimes couples split up at this phase, thinking that they’re not right for each other. That might be true, but not always.

Others pretend it’s not happening, they don’t talk about the differences. These couples tend to lose the singular pronoun and talk about ‘we’ and ‘us’ exclusively, and their relationship becomes more and more limited. They are not game to push boundaries, make suggestions, try new things, for fear of creating ‘conflict’.

Others recognise the differences, and blame the other! These are... read more


#227: The Adolescent Male Masturbatory Model of Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, March 11, 2018



For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.

So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.

Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.

So the standard approach has three parts:
  1.    Find yourself aroused - you have to be horny before you start
  2.    Stroke genitals rapidly - it's all about the shagging
  3.    Have an orgasm - we all know the 'rule' that sex ends when the man ejaculates - right?
I call this the Adolescent Male Masturbatory (AMM) Model of Sex.

It’s what we in the West have done for millennia.

... read more


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