The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#66: The Number One Secret to Good Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The number one secret to good sex is to surrender. 

That's all.

You've got to surrender to the act. Let go of the crap in your head and get completely and utterly in your body, in the flow, surrendered to the pleasure of the experience.

Sounds easy, but it’s hard to do. We’ve all of us, to varying degrees, gotten into a bad habit. This is the habit of thinking too much about things where thinking gets in the way of feeling. We're so caught up with thinking that we live our lives in our heads, so we're not really present in our bodies. In extreme cases, our bodies almost become an appendage to our heads. But to really feel, you have to get into your body, you have to really be present in your body.

Paradoxically, being present in your body enables you to transcend your body. It enables the boundaries of your physical self to dissolve it and allows you to get into transcendent states where you lose touch with the physical plane and get into more spiritual, ecstatic planes.

There's an exercise I do in my workshops - usually very early on because it's so... read more

#43: Try A Little Tenderness

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, December 05, 2011

So much of my work revolves around enabling people to come together with real intimacy. I’m blessed to be able to see this in private sessions and in the workshops and retreats that I run. Seeing couples sharing their love and intimacy so beautifully is an awe-inspiring experience, but it’s also sadly rare in our society.

It’s not that smooth and easy for all couples though. For very many people intimacy is bewildering and perplexing, and it’s very often extraordinarily confronting to ‘meet’ each other in this way. The barriers have to come down. You have to meet each other with deep, calm, slow tenderness. There needs to be a slow dissolving of the edges. The woman needs to get a place where she can welcome her man into her, invite him to enter. That entering is a place of beauty and relaxation and letting go for the man. She needs to be able to allow that. He needs to be able to hold her so well that she can get to that place, so that he can enter her and the entering becomes a coming together, a merging into unity.

When a couple come together in this way, they are exploring the exquisiteness of the “valleys” of sex -... read more

#40: Sensuality Feeds Sexuality

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, October 06, 2011

Think about how you use your senses as you make love. Do you use all your senses? Do you engage with the whole of your partner’s body, or just a few bits?

As you become more sensual in your love-making, sex becomes less ‘sexual’, focused on ‘getting your rocks off’, and becomes more ‘sensual’, more loving. Although paradoxically, sensuality also feeds sexuality: the more in tune you are with your senses and the more you use them and enjoy the sensual nature of love-making, the more intensely you’ll experience sex.

You need to reawaken your senses, to re-engage with life. The sensual realm is the physical realm, but it’s a lot more than just superficial appearances. Embrace the sensual and you’ll connect with your body at a deep level and increase your energy, both of which will heighten your desire for sex and your enjoyment of it.

This shift to sensuality is doubly important when you apply it to your own body image - this is a message particularly important to women. The media brainwashes us to believe that “sexy” equals the type of body that most women only have in their youth, if even then. That’s why I advocate letting go of the “sexy” stuff and embracing the sensual. “Sexy”... read more

#34: Do Your Research - It's Fun!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, June 27, 2011

Sex is the one thing in life we seem to think should just happen “naturally” without any focused attention and study. This is completely absurd, and one of the reasons why people don’t have good sex lives! 

The only “natural” part of sex is the basic putting-penis-into-vagina, which anyone can manage with a modicum of bumbling and fumbling around. To do any more than that requires application and research.

Yes, research - trying things out, exploring, making mistakes, being creative, and discussing what you’re discovering.

I take my research seriously. As my partner said to me with a mock pout not long after we got together: “I’m just a guinea-pig to you, aren’t I?” I had to agree it was true to an extent. I want to know what he’s doing when it feels good to me, what I’m doing when it feels good to him, how it feels with subtle changes and different approaches. This is how we get to know each other’s bodies, arousal and eroticism. Without that we’d just be thrashing around in the dark.

I tell my clients and workshop participants, get down and have a good look at your genitals and your partner’s genitals. Go for an... read more

#30: Being Real

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, April 11, 2011

There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:

"There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. 

That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.

You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our higher human side, along with creativity and art and music and all those attributes of being human that come from... read more

#25: Sex as Entree not Dessert

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, January 18, 2011

We tend to get into habits with sex, and one habit that is so widespread is having sex last thing at night.

Why is that? It’s the time when most people are the most tired and the least likely to want or to enjoy sex!

One thing I encourage people to do is to think outside the square in all aspects of sex, and one of those is in the timing.

Sex doesn’t have to be the last thing you do at night; it doesn’t even have to be in the evening. Having sex before dinner can be great! Think of it as entrée, rather than the traditional dessert.

Of course that doesn’t suit everyone’s routines, but you might be surprised at how flexible your timing can be. I remember when my third child was a baby and for a while there I was just waaaaaaaaaay too tired to manage sex in the evenings. I’ve never been a morning person anyway, unless it’s a long lazy Sunday lie-in. So my then husband and I decided that the only way we were going to have sex was if he came home for “lunch” on Tuesdays. That worked really well and got... read more

#21: Prioritising Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, November 02, 2010

I was giving a talk to a large group of women at a Melbourne Cup lunch this week (wearing a fabulous hat of course). Since they were pretty much all married with kids, the discussion was primarily around how to keep up a good sex life in a long-term relationship, particularly when you’ve got babies and children. 

Next week I’m giving a similar talk in Newcastle on how to have a good sex life once kids come along.

One of the key messages is that you need to prioritize sex. You need to accept it as an important part of your relationship and then work on it. It’s like anything in life: it doesn’t just happen.

If you want to be healthy you have to focus on your health and work on it.

If you want to be wealthy you have to focus on wealth and work on it.

And if you want a good loving, healthy and rewarding sexual relationship you have to focus on it and work on it too.

Too often couples come to see me too late. “If only we’d come to see you a year ago!” they bemoan. An all-too-common... read more

#20: Obligation Sex is Self-imposed Low Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Download Audio: Obligation Sex is Self-imposed Low Level Sexual Trauma

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#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, October 19, 2010

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is... read more

#4: Love in the Time of Chaos

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, February 25, 2010

There’s a great article I wrote for Men’s Health Magazine on Sex for Busy People.

I’m going to summarise it here, and if you want to read more download it here. Or buy my book“Sex Secrets for Busy People" from my bookshop and get the whole low-down!

Demands from the boss all day, pressures to achieve deadlines, squeeze in the gym, race home, deal with the kids, deal with the wife’s issues, check in on the internet, veg out for a TV show (if you’re lucky) , yeah yeah, help get the house ready for tomorrow, hope for a shag, into bed, roll over – and your wife’s asleep (or pretending).

Not a pretty scenario, not one that will lead to fantastic sex. What to do?

Follow these five steps to sex in the time of chaos:


1. Forget spontaneity!

This has got to be the biggest myth out there about sex, that it’s got to be spontaneous to be good. That’s like saying the best footy game or the best meal or the best party comes spontaneously! No. Everything good in life takes planning, focus and... read more

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