Download Audio: Q&A: How Do I Flex My New Found Interest in Sex?read more
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
Foreplay is generally seen as what you do before you get to intercourse, to prepare yourselves (especially the woman) to be ready to receive “penetration” by the man. Intercourse is seen as a vigorous activity consisting of the man thrusting into the woman, or less frequently, the woman bouncing around on the man.
- Intercourse is the “main event” or “the whole point” of sex and that other activities simply lead-up to that “main event”
- Intercourse is such a vigorous activity that plenty of preparation is required
- Intercourse isn’t the main event, that it isn’t the whole point, that it’s just one of many elements and possibilities of sex and love-making
- Intercourse doesn’t have to be vigorous so it doesn’t necessarily require lots of preparation
- Intercourse can, in essence, be part of the foreplay.
You’ll notice that I often focus on sensuality and exploring the “valleys” of sex as well as the “peaks”, and particularly on softening and making the genitals more receptive.... read more
From my column in Body+Soul
Question: "I've just turned 60 and have been married over 35 years to a very good lady who loves me, but over the years has lost interest in sex. These days, she would happily have no sex at all, and so my advances are almost entirely rebuffed. The problem is I can’t find release myself – I’m not able to masturbate (perhaps my Catholic upbringing has locked in some guilt that stops me). My question has two parts: Is having regular erections without release bad for my health (eg my prostate)? And then… what can I do? If I can’t change my wife’s mind or learn to self-pleasure, I’m afraid I’ll start looking outside my marriage."
Answer: First up, there is no conclusive scientific evidence that men need to ejaculate for their prostate health, some studies even indicate the opposite. So, let’s get that myth out of the way and turn to the more interesting part of your question. Better still, let’s turn it around and ask the real question – why sex? There are many reasons why we desire sex. Two of the main ones are: (1) we’re feeling horny and want an orgasmic release, and (2) we want to have a pleasurable, connecting experience with... read more
From my column in Body+Soul
Question: "My husband and I don't 'make love' any more, we seem to just get it over with. We've been married for 15 years and are pretty happy, all things considered. But we both work, and we have two young kids (both under 10), so there's not really much time or energy left over for a raging sex life. I don't necessarily want 'firework-sex' all the time, but I do hope we can get back to being more tender, more connected, and yes, do more cuddling afterwards! Where do we start?"
Answer: Your situation is so common. In fact, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a couple who have been together for 15 years with young kids who haven’t had to deal with the issues of limited time and energy and the impact it has on their sex life. I see couples like you every day at my clinic. The ‘we love each other but have lost our mojo’ clients would have to be my largest category of client.
It sounds like you understand the importance of sexual connection, and want to have sex, but want better quality. That’s a great place to start, some people just give up at this stage, so it’s good... read more
A client of mine who'd done my Blackbelt in the Bedroom seminar for men said that afterwards he had the best sex ever.
He said: “I applied everything you taught us. I made every stroke count. It was unbelievable!”
As he said, it was mind-blowing. Deep, connected, focused sex is truly awesome.
So take his advice: make every stroke count.
Learn what this man learned, enrol in my online course for men. Click on the banner below!
I often say that all the dysfunctions we have around sex are more to do with society's dysfunctional model of sex, rather than the people doing it. I've written elsewhere how the model of 'normal' sex is based on solo masturbation rather than partnered love-making. This makes it structured and linear, with success measured by action and performance, rather than being free-flowing and non-linear, with success measured by feeling and connectedness.
Since 'sex' is seen as having key KPIs of penis-in-vagina activity (god only knows what lesbians do) with requisite orgasms, all of which happens in a set linear way, it means that out of fear/awkwardness/confusion/distaste people avoid any kind of love-making or even affection so as avoid what they see as ‘sex’ - and then feel really bad about not having sex!
It’s a bit of a catch-22 type of situation.
As I pointed out to a client caught in this dilemma on her first visit recently: you can make love with just a kiss. When she returned on her next visit she looked quite different.
“So how have the last two weeks been,” I asked, my standard first question.
- #340: What Comes Before Consent
- #339: More than Sex-Positive, We Need to be Sex-Comfortable
- #338: Get Off the Hedonistic Treadmill!
- #337: You Can't Search for Love. It's Already There. You Can Only Remove the Barriers to Let It In
- #336: How to Communicate Complaints Effectively
- #335: Nurture Your Soul with Sex
- #334: How to Express Your Emotions Without Being "Emotional"
- #333: Q&A: We're Time Poor - How Do We Add Some Zing?
- #332: Be Conscious Not Complacent
- #331: It's OK to Disappoint Your Partner
- #330: Moans & Groans – why sound is good in sex and how to make more
- #329: Gateways to the Erotic Shift
- #328: Safety is Sexy
- #327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
- #326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
to LOVELIFE News for regular inspiration on sex, love and intimacy!