I talk a lot about the yin and yang of sex, taking a more energetic, spiritual approach to understanding sex and intimacy. Today I’m going to get scientific.
The yin and yang of the hormones is pretty much the same as the yin and yang of the energies. There are the ‘yin’ hormones: oxytocin and vasopressin, the bonding hormones that give feelings of connection and satisfaction, and endorphins, the feel-good hormones; that are released by gentle, cuddly, sensual activities. And there are the yang hormones: dopamine, the reward chemical (and the addiction hormone) that leads you to want more (including more of your true love), and which leads to the production of the lust hormone, testosterone.
We need dopamine, it's the romance hormone, and it's stimulated by novelty and interesting activities, so it's important that your relationship is stimulating and not complacent. And you need the oxytocin as it's connecting and keeps you feeling good about each other, it provides resilience in your relationship. So both cuddles and interesting activities are necessary in a relationship to produce the balance of bonding and romance. You need the balance in the lead up to sex.
You also need the balance during sex. The trouble is though that we tend to focus on the intense side of sex, what I frequently refer to as the ‘peaks’ of sex, the bigger-harder-faster-with-explosive-orgasms type of sex; lots of sexual excitation and tension. This causes a build up of dopamine, but after the big O, when there’s a drop off in dopamine, you can hit a downer and feel a withdrawal from your partner. This can make you feel grumpy and irritated, disconnected, and often craving more sex to make you feel better. You need the oxytocin (and for guys the vasopressin, the chivalry hormone) to also be there so that you balance out the dopamine drop and keep the happy feelings going.
If you make love the way I suggest: - focusing on the beforeplay, relating positively way before you even get to the bedroom, maintaining the ‘mmm’ factor; - then having lots of non-genital connection and play before you get genital; - avoiding intensity altogether or only after you’ve had some yummy slow play; - focusing on pleasure rather than orgasm; - not always having orgasms; - when you do have orgasms, having them through opening and releasing rather than tensing and forcing the orgasm; - treating sex as a picnic rather than a three-course meal and stopping for chats as you go; - doing it in a lovely environment when you’re not too tired; and - having lovely chats and cuddles afterwards...
...then you’re priming your body to have a balance of yin and yang hormones. You'll build up enough dopamine to keep the interest going, and with a steady stream of oxytocin to cope with post-orgasmic dopamine drops and keep you feeling yummy!
You’ll also be keeping your body in a parasympathetic relaxed state, rather than the sympathetic ‘flight or fight’ highly aroused state. If you have continued tense sex without the yummy stuff you’ll start producing cortisol, the long-term stress hormone, which is not good for feeling good about yourself or your partner.
As I say, you can go intense, have a good shag, but that needs to be part of a much broader and delicious approach to sex. If all you’re having is shagadelic sex, striving for orgasmic intensity, then it’s yang without yin, which is way out of balance and will never be good.
(I have to note here that a lot more research needs to be done on the production and interaction of sex hormones, this is my interpretation of the current state of science. What I find interesting though is how the science is reinforcing the wisdom of the tantric-type traditions.)