I’m going to share a little about myself here, to give you some insight into why and how I work the way I do.

  A number of years ago I realised that my experience of sex was very different to most people’s. Extended sessions of love-making, multiple (or shouldI say endless) orgasms, ecstatic states of altered consciousness were the norm, even with small children and babies, years into a relationship.

 At first I thought it was something special about my husband and I, but after our marriage ended I discovered that, nope, it was me. I went through what I call my ‘research’ period, investigating sex with a range of different partners and the response was pretty similar: “Wow, that was different”, “You really like sex don’t you”, “You need to teach this to people!”

So I set out to find out why I was different. That led me to find out more about Tantra, and I realised that although I’d never studied it formally, my years of martial arts experience, decades of yoga, meditation and mindfulness had led me to experience sex, and probably life, in a very pure, present and energetic way. Which is when I realised my true calling – to tune modern people back into the real nature and value of sex. Most people don’t have the faintest idea of our sexual potential and what the whole sex thing is about. There’s a sense that there’s got to be ‘more’, but not much guidance on how.

 I realised that of course not everyone has the time or interest to spend decades in the types of spiritual discipline I’ve followed – so my challenge has been how to get to the core of it all so as to enable busy modern people to understand and feel the essence of real sex.

 That’s where Tantra comes in. It’s a spiritual and energetic approach to sex and life that comes from ancient India. There are many other cultures that took sex seriously and studied it as an Art and as a Science – the Taoists of China and Qidosha from North America are two other well-known ones (actually, virtually any society other than Western society). These approaches to sex are much broader and deeper than that of the West, which tends to be either sleazy, prudish or clinical. Real sex is deep and erotic and poetic and intense and beautiful and bizarre, and is whatever it is at that time and at that place…

 So, back to me. I have the extraordinary privilege of spending much of my time talking to people at the most intimate level about their lives and particularly about their sex lives. So I know what’s really going on in the bedrooms of the world, I’m at the coal face so to speak. I have a pretty good idea of what people are thinking and feeling, where they're getting it wrong and the type of guidance and learning they need to find fulfillment, meaning and satisfaction in love and life. We can talk about this to some extent, and through the talking enable some pretty major changes. But talking, however inspiring, can only go so far. You have to feel it.

 Which is why I’ve taken the core concepts of all these traditions, which these days all tend to go under the general title of 'Tantra', and present them in a way that’s understandable and accessible to modern people. Sometimes these are activities that are commonly known from Tantra, sometimes they’re taken from other relevant experiences I’ve had, and quite often I’ll meditate on an issue and an activity will be virtually ‘downloaded’ into my mind. (Then I practice on my partner to see if it works – he’s so obliging!)

 That’s what my Tantric workshops are all about: getting in touch with the energy of sex through presence, then expressing it in a very real way. It’s different, and it’s life-changing. It’s not for the faint-hearted – swallow this little blue pill and there aint no turning back! (to quote The Matrix) But the reality on the other side of looking glass…Awesome.

 Well, that was sharing more of myself than I usually feel comfortable doing. But, hey, if I'm asking you to push your boundaries, I have to push some of mine!

We tend to get into habits with sex, and one habit that is so widespread is having sex last thing at night.
 
 Why is that? It’s the time when most people are the most tired and the least likely to want or to enjoy sex! 

One thing I encourage people to do is to think outside the square in all aspects of sex, and one of those is in the timing.
 
 Sex doesn’t have to be the last thing you do at night; it doesn’t even have to be in the evening. Having sex before dinner can be great! Think of it as entrée, rather than the traditional dessert.
 
 Of course, that doesn’t suit everyone’s routines, but you might be surprised at how flexible your timing can be. I remember when my third child was a baby and for a while there I was just waaaaaaaaaay too tired to manage sex in the evenings. I’ve never been a morning person anyway, unless it’s a long lazy Sunday lie-in. So, my then husband and I decided that the only way we were going to have sex was if he came home for “lunch” on Tuesdays. That worked really well and got us through a pretty exhausting phase of our lives.
 
 Quite a number of my clients find that changing the time they have sex makes a big difference. For those without kids in the house, the sex before dinner concept is very possible and very desirable. For those who can’t manage it that early, at least doing it as early as possible, generally in place of the TV veg-out session. Think about what you’re doing! Watching three hours of gruesome cop shows is generally not a good warm-up for sex! You can always get up and do other things after you make love. You don’t have to go to sleep after sex. You certainly don’t both have to go to sleep after sex, the tired one can drift off and the other can get up and do stuff.
 
 There are no set rules around sex, particularly the timing. Have a good talk with your partner and figure out when the best times are for both of you.
 
 Sex doesn’t have to be the after dinner “dessert”. Too often it’s so late and so unappealing it becomes a habitual late-night snack that doesn’t satisfy anyone particularly, if you can even be bothered. So, try it for entrée. Try it for lunch. Try it for a morning pick-me-up. Try it for a lazy Sunday breakfast in bed while the kids are conveniently watching cartoons!
 
 There are no rules! 

The masculine sexual energy is like fire: it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly.
 
 The feminine sexual energy is like water: it’s slow to heat up, but once it’s boiling it will boil and boil and boil and boil…
 
 So if we divide sex into two phases, desire and response, then the masculine has more energy in the desire phase and the feminine has more energy in the response phase.
 
 This is why men generally tend to have a stronger libido, and why women have a greater range and intensity of arousal and orgasmic response.
 
 Ideally in the sexual act, the man will use his fire energy to heat up the woman’s water energy. She’ll reach heights of arousal and ecstasy that will make him feel absolutely fantastic because he’s the one who got her there. He’ll probably have an orgasm too, but his satisfaction is ultimately in the pleasure he’s given her. The release of all her sexual energy satisfies and nourishes him completely. In this way the sexual circuit is complete and sex is a wonderfully fulfilling, healing, liberating and bonding experience for both of them.
 
 We do have both masculine and feminine energies within us and a well-rounded person will have a reasonably good balance within them. There are also some people whose energy is more the opposite than their own gender. But for most people men tend to have a fire-like sexual energy and women tend to have a water-like sexual energy.
 
 This is why men’s libido can suddenly arise out of nowhere. He can get an erection with very little or no stimulation, he just feels horny. This is the fire energy that simply ‘switches on’. Given that a man’s body is more testosterone driven, this makes sense.
 
 Whereas it’s pretty rare for a woman to suddenly feel horny out of the blue. Women don’t go “oh gosh, I’m lubricating, I must want sex.” Rather, a woman’s desire is contextual, it depends on how she’s feeling, how she’s getting on with her partner if she has one, what kind of environment she’s in. All these factors will affect the temperature of her water energy.
 
 As I wrote recently, when a woman has a high libido, it’s not because she has a masculine fire energy, it’s because she keeps her water energy simmering. She lives in a way that makes her feel good about herself, she avoids getting too tired, and together with her partner they actively work on keeping their connection strong and making the time and place for sex. This is what keeps a women’s water energy warm. The warmer her water energy is on a day to day basis, the more open and receptive to sex she is. The colder her water energy is, the more effort is required to heat it, and some women have sexual energy that is frozen hard, tundra even!
 
 It does work both ways. There are plenty of men who find that their fire energy isn’t igniting, and there are many reasons for this, which I will write about in another post.
 
 When two people come together as lovers, whether it’s for a brief encounter or a lifetime, when her water energy is good and warm and his fire energy is switching on efficiently, then there’s a meeting between them. His desire is neither too needy nor too apathetic and her interest is neither too conditional nor too stifling. Rather, there’s an easy balance and fluidity between his desire and her openness to meet him, which takes them both to wonderful places. 

While men's sexual energy tends to be like fire, it comes on quickly, burns brightly and extinguishes quickly, women's sexual energy tends to be like water: it takes longer to warm up, but once it’s hot it will boil and boil and boil…

The warmer a woman’s 'water' energy is, the more open and ready she is for sex. If she enters the sex act with icy cold-water energy, even frozen, then it’s going to take an awful lot of work to warm it up. She’ll either be averse to having sex or it will take so long to heat her up that one or both of them will give up before she gets anywhere, or she'll engage even though sh'es not ready and won't enjoy the experience.

So the common scenario of a busy modern couple, hard at work all day, occupied with kids/housework/work brought home/etc in the evening and/or vegetating in front of the TV for hours watching people being murdered and cut up on mortuary tables, getting into bed late at night and then thinking about sex…. Well, it’s not surprising that she’s not interested; her water energy is stone cold. (In fact, this scenario also causes many men to be unable to ignite their fire energy, but that’s another story.)

My feeling is that when women have high libidos, it’s not because they have masculine fire energy, it’s because they keep their water energy simmering. (Although there are some people who have predominantly the opposite sexual energy.) What “keeping her water energy simmering” means is that a woman and her partner do things to keep her open and interested in sex.

Too many people think high libido means having lots of spontaneous lust, always being ready and gagging for it. That can happen, but if you're waiting for two people to have the lust descend at the same time, you could be waiting a long time...

In the early days of a relationship women do generally feel more desirous. This is simply because all the conditions are there to keep her water energy on the boil! There’s so much anticipation, always thinking about her new partner, they're on their best behaviour, treating each other well, they pay attention to the way they look, what they say, what they do. It's so exciting!

But as time passes, they get complacent. There’s no anticipation, there’s no going out of their way to make themselves special to the other. There's nothing 'heating up' the woman's water energy (and often not much flicking the switch for the man's fire energy).

A woman’s desire tends to be contextual, it’s not simply a biological urge. It depends enormously on how she feels and what’s going on around her.

What a woman needs to “keep her water simmering” is fourfold:

• She can’t be too tired. Fatigue kills a woman’s ability to get in the mood.
• She needs to be in a pleasant environment, somewhere that makes her feel warm, safe and sensual.
• She needs to be feeling good about herself, attractive and desirable and
• She needs to be getting on well with her partner.

Some of these elements she can focus on herself, and others depend on the interaction between her and her partner.

The good news is that it’s a positive feedback loop - the more these four elements are improved, the better the sexual desire and the better the sexual response, and therefore the more life improves and the sex improves!

I often find that people are surprised at the breadth of sexuality I encourage. As with so much of our society, we tend to categorize and label others and ourselves. What I do can’t be labeled in this way. I’m not just ‘tantric’ or ‘kinky’ or ‘raunchy’ or ‘clinical’ or whatever – I’m all of them, and more.
 
I believe in the full range of sexual expression, as long as it comes from a place that is real. 
 
 For me that’s the only issue. Are you being real, and are you allowing expression of your true self? I don’t believe there is any right or wrong when it comes to sex, as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans, as long as it’s life enhancing.
 
 So the tantric types get a shock in my workshops when I bring out the bondage ropes; those who embrace raunch culture find the softness disconcerting; the kinky types wonder if all this talk about love isn’t a bit vanilla; and the clinical types find the fun and naughtiness rather perplexing.
 
 But it’s all good! Tantric bondage, soft raunch, loving kink, are all real expressions of possibility. 

I must admit I sometimes wish I could classify myself more specifically. It would be easier to explain what I do. But I can’t, I love the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sex, I think raunch and kink are valid, I believe that knowledge of anatomy and physiology and sexual technique are important, I believe that deep examination of one’s psychology and self-knowledge are crucial.
 
 But you know what I think is the most important of all when it comes to sex?
 
 Fun!
 
 Yes, sex is playtime for grown-ups. Or to paraphrase Oscar Wilde: “Sex is far too important to be taken seriously.”
 
 Why do people take sex so seriously? Given that we’re given no training whatsoever, people have a rather ludicrous expectation that it will be smooth and no-one would ever make a mistake; that it would be embarrassing if we did something wrong or something our partner didn’t respond favorably to.
 
 And we have nothing to compare our ‘performance’ with!
 
 All we have to compare ourselves to is previous experience, or porn, which is fake or what other people have to say, which is probably also fake.
 
 So there is no ‘normal’, or anything that we really should or shouldn’t be doing.
 All we’ve got is each other’s bodies and a trillion odd brain cells to be creative with! That means, play time!
 
 The less pressure you put on yourselves to get it right, the more freedom you have to experiment and be creative. And if it doesn’t work – have a laugh about it!
 
 Personally I think that if there isn’t a good bout of laughing at some stage during the sex act, it can’t be good sex. A good lasting orgasm will often result in a full-on burst of uncontrollable laughter. We all know that sex is good for our health, so is laughter, so playful sex has got to be the best of all.
 
 Watch how children let loose in the playground, and do the same in your own sexual playground. 

I was giving a talk to a large group of women at a Melbourne Cup lunch this week (wearing a fabulous hat of course). Since they were pretty much all married with kids, the discussion was primarily around how to keep up a good sex life in a long-term relationship, particularly when you’ve got babies and children. 

Next week I’m giving a similar talk in Newcastle on how to have a good sex life once kids come along.

One of the key messages is that you need to prioritize sex. You need to accept it as an important part of your relationship and then work on it. It’s like anything in life: it doesn’t just happen.

If you want to be healthy you have to focus on your health and work on it.

If you want to be wealthy you have to focus on wealth and work on it.

And if you want a good loving, healthy and rewarding sexual relationship you have to focus on it and work on it too.

Too often couples come to see me too late. “If only we’d come to see you a year ago!” they bemoan. An all-too-common question is: “Can you revive a flagging sex life?” Well, if there was once the flame of passion and the embers are still burning, however faintly, then yes, it’s possible.

So how do you fan the embers so that they burst into flame again? Private sessions with a good sex therapist can help. Workshops – the right workshops - can help too.

But an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cures, as they say, so it’s better to keep fanning the fire before it burns so low that it’s almost out.

Just like a great building can be made of countless tiny, small bricks, a great sex life is made up of countless tiny, small moments – things that you might not even think of as being sexual. A small touch, a smile, a tender gaze, a small service, a small gift a tiny word of kindness …

The list goes on and on …

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is being subjected to low-level trauma. She will feel resentful, irritated, frustrated, used (sound familiar?). When a woman feels like this it goes inward, so she feels bad about herself and life in general; all because she’s ‘just doing it’ and putting out because for some reason she thinks she ‘should’.

Say ‘no’ to obligation sex and say ‘yes’ to desired sex, sex that is good for your vagina and good for you!

I am bravely, perhaps fool-hardedly, but definitely doggedly running a Black Belt in the Bedroom seminar on Monday evening.

Why do I say doggedly? Because men are so bloody hard to get to a workshop on sex!

I just got an email from a participant (who’s coming back for the second time) about trying to persuade his mates to attend. He started it by saying: “So Jacqueline, I now have a new-found respect for what it is you do,” because they all said to him: “I’m already a black belt in the bedroom” (although he has persuaded four of them to come along).

The fact is guys, you’re not black belts in the bedroom. Even if you are pretty amazing in the sack, there’s always more to learn. I’ve taught Tantric masters stuff they didn’t know, so believe me, there’s always more.

It is a bit of a male thing not to ask for help (or directions!), but if it’s important enough to you, you will. It’s actually a sign of a master of any skill or sport or art: they keep learning, practicing, experimenting, researching. It’s the same with sex.

In case you need more convincing, I’ve devised this little quiz for you. If you can answer ‘yes’ to every single questions, then you’re a black belt. If not, come along on Monday…

1. Can you make love to the same woman a thousand times and find it ever more wonderful?
2. Can you ejaculate when you choose to?
3. Can you come too soon and not be fazed about it?
4. Can you have awesome sex without orgasm?
5. Can you absorb the energy from a beautiful woman without feeling you want to have sex with her?
6. Can you feel the sexual power of all women?
7. Do you know that sex is about pleasure not orgasm?
8. Do you realise that porn is what looks good not what feels good?
9. Can you luxuriate in the valleys of sex as well as revel in the peaks?
10. Can you be so present with your partner that you can bring her to a state of orgasm? Can you do this without genital stimulation? Can you do this without touching her?
11. Do you know that foreplay never ends?
12. Do you know that the true master of sex never stops learning?

So how did you go? Will I see you on Monday…?


You can also do my online course for men:

I was reading the paper this morning and there was a multi-page feature on the Sydney Food Festival that’s coming up. All over the city there will be parties and workshops and markets and you name it, celebrating our love of food and the diversity of food. It’s a true gourmet’s feast, nothing gluttonous about the festival organiser’s approach, it’s about the joy and fun and the pleasure of food.
 
  It got me thinking about how wonderful it would be if we could celebrate sexuality in the same way, really celebrate the diversity and depth and wonder of sex. 

There are some celebrations of sexuality, one is the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, which is wonderful, but obviously focused on queer sexuality, and because of that it does have a certain edginess to the celebrations – all fabulous, but doesn’t cover the full spread of sexuality.
 
  This coming weekend there’s the first ever fetish conference, The Gathering, with workshops and parties. Great stuff, but again, limited to those interested in the fetish scene.
 
  The Tantric side of sex doesn’t have a festival as such, but there are plenty of workshops around (including my own, hint, hint).
 
  Then there’s Sexpo, which is great, but tends to celebrate the raunchier, dare I say, sleazier side of sex. Oddly enough I just had the Sexpo PR person ring me up to ask if I wanted to be involved, so we just had a great chat about how wonderful it would be Sexpo celebrated a broader approach to sexuality. Well, if I’m involved, maybe it will…
 
  I mean wouldn’t it be great if there were workshops and parades in a broad range celebration of sex, so in addition to the Gay & Lesbian, Fetish, Tantric and Raunch (a la Sexpo) stuff already out there, there was in addition, for example: “Monogamous and Loving It” “Yummy Mummies Having Yummy Sex” “Getting Older Getting Lustier” “Different Types of Orgasms and How to Have Them” “Expanding Your Sexual Play for Committed Couples” “Incorporating Food into Sexual Play” “Heightening Sensual Pleasures” “Differently Abled People Having Differently Pleasured Sex” “Lusciousness for All”.
 
  Wouldn’t it be great it everyone could celebrate their sexuality, no matter what it was.
 
  Yes, I have a dream…
 
  Maybe we are getting there, the fact that there is a growing range of sexual celebrations, and some of them are coinciding at a similar time, Spring, means that society is opening up. There’s hope for us yet.

Three things a (hetero) man needs to come into a positive, balanced masculinity:

1) Self-worth Through Purpose 
 
 It’s critical for a man to have a clear sense of purpose in his life. I so often see men having relationship and sexual problems because in part because they don’t have a strong sense of purpose. This leads to a dependence on being satisfied from his partner, manifesting as an unattractive neediness (a self-aware woman will not find neediness appealing). Or it will lower his sense of self-worth, creating a wimpish energy causing his partner to be too strong and controlling, just to survive. Other men do the opposite, feeling a lack of purpose and therefore a lack of self-worth in themselves, they make up for it by becoming dominant and aggressive.
 
 A man who is centered and in purpose will move purposefully through life, not needy of validation by others, less blown around by the whims of others, less given to maudlin self-doubt, and less prone to denial covered by aggression.
 
 2) Communion with Other Men 
 
 Men need other men. Not necessarily in the sitting around drinking cups of tea and chatting way that women tend to do - although they can. Generally, men will more “do” things together; tinker in the shed, throw a ball around, go sailing, fishing, motorbike riding, play war games. It may or may not involve much talking, that doesn’t matter. It’s being with other men, what I call “communing” with other men that matters.
 
 3) Union with his Beloved 
 
After talking so intimately with so many men, I believe that men are actually more emotional about sex than women are. Sex is so much more than just a 'release', which can be dealt with through masturbation, Men need sex with their beloved to connect with her, to feel her, to know the deepest, most real side of her. They crave union with her. A man who has this connection will feel so much more satisfied with himself and his life.
 
 But to achieve this is not easy. Too many men go straight to looking to sex to give them fulfillment, without working on self-worth through purpose, or male communion. But without these first two ways of fulfilling himself he won’t be the type of man that allows for true union and therefore allow for more powerfully satisfying sex. The more purposeful in himself and the more in communion with other men that a man is, the better able he will be to be the centered, open man required to enable his partner to be open and centered, and through that have powerfully connected and erotic sex.