The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!


#11: The Great G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Debate!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 15, 2010



Firstly, let me apologise on behalf of my profession that, in the early 21st century, we still don’t know how women’s bodies work! I find it appalling that there’s still debate over what’s in our vaginas and what effect touching various parts produces!

There is no question that most women find certain parts of their vaginas more sensitive than others. Some of these parts have been given labels and some haven’t. One area that has been given a label is the G-spot, which is generally located a couple of knuckles’ depth into the vagina on the belly side. When you feel inside yourself you’ll notice that that side of your vagina has a corrugated feel, whereas the rest is smooth. This is because what you’re feeling is the urethral sponge.

The urethral sponge is a spongy material that surrounds your urethra. As you become sexually excited the urethral sponge becomes engorged with blood. It’s the urethral sponge you can feel on the belly side of your vagina, and as you become excited it protrudes further into your vagina.

Many women, but not all, find that stimulation of the urethral sponge inside their vagina - i.e. stimulation of the belly side of their vagina - is highly stimulating. So... read more


#10: Sexual Pleasure is the Great Equalizer

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 25, 2010



There’s a beautiful quote from the Kama Sutra, which I found in Deepak Chopra’s gorgeously illustrated version:

Sex is a paradox. It needs the difference between man and woman, yet it reminds them that they are not different at all. In this way pleasure is the world’s great equalizer.

This drew me because so much of my work relates to the masculine and feminine sexual energies. These energies are what you bring to the sex act. Yet what you feel and express matters very little between the lovers, male or female.

I do believe the whole Mars-Venus thing is overstated, that it highlights generalized differences rather than focusing on core similarities. There are far more similarities between men and women than there are differences. Particularly if you’re having sex that is deep, connected, erotic.

It is a paradox, because it is through being real and expressing your true self that you get the greatest pleasure, you can lose yourself in the sexual act and through that sexual pleasure you can find yourself.

You get down to your essence, and the essence of your partner. That is neither masculine nor feminine, it just is. It’s where you can even lose that sense... read more


#9: Become a Black Belt in the Bedroom!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why a “Black Belt” in the Bedroom?

I'm about to launch seminars for men called Black Belt in the Bedroom. Obviously the title is catchy (what man wouldn’t want to be a black belt in the bedroom?) and that’s why I’m using it, but commercial cynicism aside, there are very good reasons why I’m chosen the term “black belt”.

For a start, I am a black belt in aikido, a second level black belt in fact (about to go third level when I decided to have babies instead). I’ve also studied judo and various kung-fu styles plus done workshops on many other styles of martial arts. It’s effectively where I got my energetic training, which I now apply to sexual relations and which has the same basis as the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sexuality.

To some people the concept of a martial artist is of an aggressive violent fighter. However, it’s completely the opposite. A true warrior is not some psychomaniac, think more of the American Indian brave, the knight of old, the samurai, Mel Gibson in Braveheart… A top martial artist is completely in control, centred and flowing with the energy of the encounter. Just what sex should be. He’s not in his... read more



#8: Neuroplasticity - Moulding Your Brain for Better Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 27, 2010


It’s interesting to observe the participants of a retreat. 

As the days pass there’s an observable change in them, and they all report a significant change within themselves.

This is a great example of neuroplasticity - the brain changing its circuitry.

Given the opportunity for stillness and guided activities and reflection, the circuits of these people change quite rapidly.

This change in the brain allows for definite and continued positive change from that moment on.

I love the fact that brain researchers have proven this plasticity. Many years ago, as an undergraduate biochemistry student studying neuroscience, I was dismayed by the thinking of the day that the brain was simply a computer and the job of the scientist was to figure out what the bits were and how they interacted. I remember being scoffed at for suggesting it might be otherwise. So I didn’t pursue that line of study.


Now we know that the brain is a wonderful organic system that constantly changes and adapts to the inputs coming into it, throughout the whole life. So if your life is stressful and you input negative thoughts, your brain circuitry will reinforce and reflect that reality. That will become... read more



#7: Raise Your Sexual Energy

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Photo by Joshua Mcknight from Pexels

Believe it or not, I’m sitting at an outdoor bar, mocktail at hand, overlooking a beach fringed with palm trees in Vietnam. It’s pretty special.  Last week I attended a Spiritual Retreat here. While it wasn’t specifically sexual in nature, you can’t separate sex and spirituality.

A key element of spiritual work, and of the Retreat, is raising your energy. You do this through meditation and mindfulness. But it’s not what we often consider meditation, which is a slowing of energy, a deep relaxation. That’s wonderful and good, but it’s different to raising the energy. When you go into meditation with the intent to raise your energy, you go places. You feel lighter, spin faster. You get messages and have visions. It is an altered consciousness.

This is why conscious sex is so good for spiritual development, because sex raises your energy. Even if you have the most basic, unconnected sex, sparks of light will still fly. So if you approach sex with presence, intent and release of self, you really do get taken to extraordinary places of exceptional ecstatic pleasure.

In these realms the genitals barely matter, they’re just a means to feel with the whole of your... read more



#6: How To Consume An Ice-Cream - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 2

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, March 18, 2010



Have you been practicing eating a peach? Savouring its juicy lushness…?

Have you found within you the ability to lose yourself in that peach, to taste, suck, lick and devour it with full sensory awareness and heightened arousal?

Well, hold that space and let’s take that a step further. We’re going to add some technique and look at how to consume an ice-cream.

(If you haven’t read my post on how to eat a peach, go back and read that first, you want to be in that space before continuing.)

The thing about enjoying a peach in that way is that it is all about you receiving the pleasure and sensation of the peach. This is what making love with someone should be like. Rather than focusing on what you’re doing to them, simply allow yourself to lose yourself in the pleasure you are receiving from being with them.

It’s pretty easy to do with a peach. You feel no obligation to the peach, you don’t care how the peach feels about you consuming it. It’s trickier to do with a person, most of us are concerned about how the other person is feeling about what we’re doing to or with them.

Strangely enough... read more



#5: How To Eat A Peach - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 1

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, March 11, 2010



Sensuality is without a doubt a key element to great sex. Sensuality, intimacy, surrender, eroticism – all essential elements that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the genitals.

We have five senses which can constantly bring us delectable, luscious sensuous experiences. If we’re open to them.

Once we are, we can bring that awareness into our love-making – and make magic.

Let’s practice. Choose a peach, or any other other suitably juicy fruit such as a mango.

Pick up the fruit.-

First, look at it….then listen to it…..then smell it….touch it against your skin, cheek, forearm…then bite into it and taste it.

Really taste it.

Then bite again:

- feeling the peach flesh give as you bite down into it,

- feeling the juices release into your mouth,

- hearing the sound of the flesh give way,

- smelling the scent of the peach beneath your nose,

- tasting the sweet flavor of the peach consuming your mouth,

- seeing the pinkish orange of the raw... read more


#4: Love in the Time of Chaos

Jacqueline Hellyer - Wednesday, February 24, 2010




There’s a great article I wrote for Men’s Health Magazine on Sex for Busy People.

I’m going to summarise it here, and if you want to read more download it here. Or buy my book“Sex Secrets for Busy People" from my bookshop and get the whole low-down!

Demands from the boss all day, pressures to achieve deadlines, squeeze in the gym, race home, deal with the kids, deal with the wife’s issues, check in on the internet, veg out for a TV show (if you’re lucky) , yeah yeah, help get the house ready for tomorrow, hope for a shag, into bed, roll over – and your wife’s asleep (or pretending).

Not a pretty scenario, not one that will lead to fantastic sex. What to do?

Follow these five steps to sex in the time of chaos:

 


1. Forget spontaneity!

This has got to be the biggest myth out there about sex, that it’s got to be spontaneous to be good. That’s like saying the best footy game or the best meal or the best party comes spontaneously! No. Everything good in life takes planning, focus and effort -... read more


#3: A History of Sexual Misinformation

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, February 15, 2010



Why is our society so sexually screwed-up?

Basically, it’s because we’ve had two to three thousand years of sexual suppression.

During these millennia two very damaging myths have been held as truths in western society:

  1. That sex is a base, animalistic activity, as opposed to spiritual and ‘higher’ human endeavors; and
  2. That men are innately more sexual than women.
These myths have been so strong for so long, that they are still very much part of our communal psyche. It’s only in the last few decades that society has begun to shift on these myths, which is a relatively short time compared to how long those myths have been there, so progress on change is slow.

The first myth, that sex is a ‘low’, animalistic activity not a ‘high’ activity, has meant that sex has not been studied properly, has not been taught to our young people, has not been a topic of open discussion, and has not been considered a part of life that should be developed and enhanced.

This means that society’s knowledge of sex is very limited, and we are nowhere near achieving anything like our sexual potentials,... read more


#2: Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth

Jacqueline Hellyer - Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Women and men have differences, sure, but we're not that different.

The most similar creature to Man is Woman, and the most similar creature to Woman is Man. We share about 99% of our DNA with chimpanzees, we share 60% of our DNA with fruit flies for goodness sake!

I get tired of people saying “women are such and such” and “men are such and such”.

If we lined all the men and women of the world up in a line from most to least [insert adjective] you'd often find a predominance of one sex at either end, but there would be a big overlap in the middle. That applies to size, strength, emotions, interests, libido...

Yes, the strongest people in the world are probably male, but there are a lot of women who are stronger than a lot of men.

Yes, probably there are more men at the highest end of raging libido, but you'll find women up there too, and plenty of men with no interest whatsoever.



Can We Ditch the Stereotypes Please!

Plenty of people are the opposite of what they typically “should” be according to gender stereotypes:

  • There are women who are lousy communicators, and men who are brilliant at it;
  • There are... read more


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