The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#21: Prioritising Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, November 01, 2010

I was giving a talk to a large group of women at a Melbourne Cup lunch this week (wearing a fabulous hat of course). Since they were pretty much all married with kids, the discussion was primarily around how to keep up a good sex life in a long-term relationship, particularly when you’ve got babies and children. 

Next week I’m giving a similar talk in Newcastle on how to have a good sex life once kids come along.

One of the key messages is that you need to prioritize sex. You need to accept it as an important part of your relationship and then work on it. It’s like anything in life: it doesn’t just happen.

If you want to be healthy you have to focus on your health and work on it.

If you want to be wealthy you have to focus on wealth and work on it.

And if you want a good loving, healthy and rewarding sexual relationship you have to focus on it and work on it too.

Too often couples come to see me too late. “If only we’d come to see you a year ago!” they bemoan. An all-too-common... read more

#20: Obligation Sex is Self-Imposed Low-Level Sexual Trauma

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 18, 2010

There is a school of thought that says women should ‘just do it’. The implication being that sex really isn’t that important, it’s easy to lie there and get it over with - I guess the idea is that you can just plan the shopping list or something while he gets his necessary sexual release (as if he doesn’t have two hands available).

I find that approach abhorrent on so many levels. Most obviously, men don’t actually want obligation sex. Radical concept to some perhaps, but men actually want their partners to enjoy sex too. (Hmm, maybe men aren’t just animalist creatures wanting to get their end in?)

Less obviously, but more importantly: sex is not just sex. The vagina is exquisitely linked to a woman’s brain, her self-worth, her creativity, her joie de vivre. For her to feel good about herself and about life she needs to treat her vagina well.

A vagina that engages in gorgeous, desirable, satisfying love-making will make her owner feel wonderful. A vagina that engages in unwanted, unprepared sex (slapping on some lube is not preparation) will not make her owner feel good. The vagina is being subjected to low-level trauma and so the woman is... read more

#19: Not-So-Secret Men's Business

Jacqueline Hellyer - Monday, October 04, 2010

I am bravely, perhaps fool-hardedly, but definitely doggedly running a Black Belt in the Bedroom seminar on Monday evening.

Why do I say doggedly? Because men are so bloody hard to get to a workshop on sex!

I just got an email from a participant (who’s coming back for the second time) about trying to persuade his mates to attend. He started it by saying: “So Jacqueline, I now have a new-found respect for what it is you do,” because they all said to him: “I’m already a black belt in the bedroom” (although he has persuaded four of them to come along).

The fact is guys, you’re not black belts in the bedroom. Even if you are pretty amazing in the sack, there’s always more to learn. I’ve taught Tantric masters stuff they didn’t know, so believe me, there’s always more.

It is a bit of a male thing not to ask for help (or directions!), but if it’s important enough to you, you will. It’s actually a sign of a master of any skill or sport or art: they keep learning, practicing, experimenting, researching. It’s the same with sex.

In case you need more convincing, I’ve devised this little quiz for you. If you can answer ‘yes’ to every single questions, then you’re... read more

#18: Could We Have A Festival of Sexuality?

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Photo by spemone from Pexels

I was reading the paper this morning and there was a multi-page feature on the Sydney Food Festival that’s coming up. All over the city there will be parties and workshops and markets and you name it, celebrating our love of food and the diversity of food. It’s a true gourmet’s feast, nothing gluttonous about the festival organiser’s approach, it’s about the joy and fun and the pleasure of food.

It got me thinking about how wonderful it would be if we could celebrate sexuality in the same way, really celebrate the diversity and depth and wonder of sex.

There are some celebrations of sexuality, one is the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, which is wonderful, but obviously focused on queer sexuality, and because of that it does have a certain edginess to the celebrations – all fabulous, but doesn’t cover the full spread of sexuality.

This coming weekend there’s the first ever fetish conference, The Gathering, with workshops and parties. Great stuff, but again, limited to those interested in the fetish scene.

The Tantric side of sex doesn’t have a festival as such, but there are plenty of workshops around (including my own, hint, hint).

Then there’s... read more

#17: Three Things a Whole Man Needs

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Three things a (hetero) man needs to come into a positive, balanced masculinity:

1) Self-worth Through Purpose

It’s critical for a man to have a clear sense of purpose in his life. I so often see men having relationship and sexual problems because in part because they don’t have a strong sense of purpose. This leads to a dependence on being satisfied from his partner, manifesting as an unattractive neediness (a self-aware woman will not find neediness appealing). Or it will lower his sense of self-worth, creating a wimpish energy causing his partner to be too strong and controlling, just to survive. Other men do the opposite, feeling a lack of purpose and therefore a lack of self worth in themselves, they make up for it by becoming dominant and aggressive.

A man who is centered and in purpose will move purposefully through life, not needy of validation by others, less blown around by the whims of others, less given to maudlin self-doubt, and less prone to denial covered by aggression.

 2) Communion with Other Men

Men need other men. Not necessarily in the sitting around drinking cups of tea and chatting way that women tend to do - although they can. Generally men will more “do” things together; tinker... read more

#16: Valuing the Masculine

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 17, 2010

We undervalue the feminine principle in our society and I believe we get the masculine principle just as wrong.

Since we’ve had a few thousand years of not valuing the feminine, in place we’ve had an unnatural, overly arrogant masculine - a masculine principle that is more defined by the ability to dominate and control than one that is defined by true strength and openness.

So there has been a complete imbalance in society with a weak feminine principle and dominant masculine one. With the social changes that our society has undergone over the past few decades, many people are changing their attitudes and approaches to living. Nowadays many women have rejected the weak feminine and have instead adopted masculine traits without honouring and expressing their innate feminine power. And many men these days have also rejected the dominant and negative masculine, but are unfortunately instead are embracing an overly soft and, let’s face it, fairly insipid, Sensitive New Age Wimp energy.

So many people are confused by how they “should” be, and I believe this is because we have polarised the masculine and feminine so strongly. No woman wants to be a pathetic doormat, but is the only alternative to be an arrogant domineering male... read more

#15: Valuing the Feminine

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Photo by Lucas Pezeta from Pexels

Everyone has masculine and feminine in them. I prefer to use the terms Yin and Yang, as we have so much unhelpful meaning attached to the terms masculine and feminine. Well-developed people have a pretty good balance of both within themselves, they have both strength and softness, can protect and nurture. If we reject one, thinking the other is somehow better, we reject a major aspect of ourselves. When we reject our feminine side we become dominant and controlling, and when we reject our masculine side we become weak and dependent.

How can women embody this balance? How can we be empowered women, embracing our yin and our yang, our masculine and our feminine?  A concept I share, which a lot of women have said has been very helpful to them, is to think of  having our yin softness on the outside and yang strength on the inside. So you can trust your inner strength to allow the outer softness, your strength emanates out through softness. This is is so different to the way women had to be under the patriarchal systems that ruled for millenia, where women couldn't show their strength, and it's also different from what a lot of modern women do,... read more

#14: Face the Darkness to Find the Light

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 27, 2010

To find the light you have to face the darkness. There is no light without darkness. The darkness is at the base, and our sexuality stems from the base.

So we have to face our sexuality and the darkness there. 

Otherwise we live in fear and the fear holds us in, keeps us small, keeps us tight. It prevents us from sharing our energy with others, with the world, with ourselves. 

That energy is a positive thing. That energy is our power, it’s our magnificence, it’s our light. We need to free it and let it flow. 

Then our light will shine and we will find the light, we will be the light.

read more

#13: Grow Up and Open Up Australia

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I opened up the morning’s paper to see yet another political ‘scandal’. In this case the parliamentary Minister was caught going to a gay sex club. In disgrace the Minister steps down, his professional and private life in ruins as his despicable behaviour is plastered across the front pages of the country’s newspapers.

His heinous sin? Liking to watch men have sex. Possibly even liking to have sex with men.

Gosh, he couldn’t possibly function in his role as a politician with this dreadful tendency...

Now, I might be a little biased here, because my life is devoted to helping people have a happy and fulfilling sex life. I’ve spent thousands of hours talking to people about their sex lives, so I am well aware of people’s broad range of tastes and interests. Just like food really. Some like simple food, others are gourmets, some like to try new and exotic foods and some prefer good old fashioned meat and three vegetables.

In working with people, one of the main issues is helping people know and understand their interests, and helping couples reconcile differing levels and types of interests.

Given that our society is still so pre-pubescent in it’s... read more

#12: How Men Can Circulate Sexual Energy

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Photo by Kelvin Valerio from Pexels

A male client sent me a lovely email thanking me for teaching him a specific energy circulating technique. This is what he wrote:

Dear Jacqueline,

Just want to really thank you again for the techniques you taught me… I've also been working on that circular technique you discussed with me and had my first real full success with it the other evening. I could actually feel the sensation go from the base of the penis, through the perineum, right up my back and into my head where I let it float around for a while and then down over my face (a sensation almost like fingertips gently touching my face) and then (when I decided) feeling it float down over my chest, through my belly and then ultimately back into my groin and penis. I managed to get that circular motion to repeat a few times and ultimately the resulting orgasm was absolutely sensational and left me with such a sense of whole body well-being, it was just magic. I enjoyed it so much I can't wait for my next chance :)

The exercise he’s talking about is called the Microcosmic Circuit and comes from the Taoist Sexual... read more

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