The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#191: We Need Bliss

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, February 25, 2017


Being a sex geek, I am both trained as a scientist yet explore areas more likely to be considered mystical - particularly in the area of sexual pleasure. I myself have ecstatic experiences and blissful states that are quite different and far more pleasurable than what is considered 'normal sex', and I have spoken with many people who also have them, and have helped many others discover these possibilities too.

I am not exaggerating when I say that 'normal' sex is to this type of sex what a fast food hamburger is to gourmet cooking (keeping in mind that sometimes a hamburger is just fine, and you don’t have to like fine food).

So the geek in me asks ‘why?’ Why do some people experience this and not others? What's happening?

Historically it’s clear that we suppressed sexuality in the West, particularly female sexuality, so when sexual liberation came in the 1970s there was a lot we didn't know about sexuality and it's potential.

Scientifically I feel that scientific interest in sex has been so focused on reproduction and disease that there has been very little focus on sexual pleasure, let alone sexual bliss and ecstasy. It’s still mired in the values of the past... read more

#179: Men Have Not Evolved to 'Sow Their Seed Widely'

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, October 21, 2016

There’s a myth perpetuating in our society that men are “naturally” more promiscuous than women. One of the reasons given for this is that men have evolved to “sow their seed widely” so as to have more children and therefore ensure the continuity of their genes.

I'm never sure whether to pull my hair out in frustration or laugh at the ludicrousness of such as suggestion, which I hear so often, even from intelligent thoughtful people.

The fact is that the “sow seed widely” form of reproduction is generally only practiced by the lower orders of animals, such as amphibians and fish and coral. In these species the female lays huge quantities of eggs, which hatch into offspring, most of which don’t survive until reproductive age. The males conversely, have to spread huge amounts of sperm around, to catch the widely scattered eggs.

As you go further up the complexity of the animal kingdom you find that there is less and less spreading of seed by the males as the females give birth to increasingly dependent young. By the time you get to humans at the top of the complexity scale and at the extreme end of the infant nurturing scale, you get offspring that are so useless they take... read more

#178: Big Sex is Beautiful Sex

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, October 15, 2016

Just because all the media hype promotes thin people as being “sexier” doesn’t mean it’s true. Even if they were sexier, it doesn’t mean they have better sex than people with a bit more flesh on them.

I mean, do you prefer your lover built for comfort or for speed?

I remember a party I was at in my 20’s, talking to another woman who was a little on the plump side - rather voluptuous. She was bemoaning how unattractive she was and wishing she were thin like me: “Because men like thin women”. “Rubbish!” I replied – and went on to prove it by asking every young man in the room whose figure they preferred, hers or mine.

All but one (including my boyfriend) admitted they preferred her figure. She was astounded. She’d really believed the hype about thinness. It completely changed her attitude to herself in general and to her sexuality in particular. It gave her greater self-esteem. And that made her sexier.

Because when you think about what makes for sexiness and good sex – self-confidence is a major factor. If you think there’s something about you that’s not appealing, you’ll feel less sexy, and that means you will actually... read more

#177 Women Are Not 'Naturally' Monogomous

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, October 07, 2016

Let’s take a look at the widely held myth that women are not naturally promiscuous. 

First, a few biological facts:

  • Women are able to have sex at any time
  • Women are more sexually responsive than men (more orgasms both in quantity, variety and quality)
  • Women can generally last sexually longer than men
  • Women tend to get bored and lose interest in sex more easily than men
  • Women generally need evidence of positive male interest and attention to want to have sex
  • Women tend to have a less physical “urge” for sex, rather a more contextual interest in sex
  • Women’s interest in sex sparks up with a new sex/love interest
These do nothing to imply that women are less sexual than men. In fact they imply that women could well be more sexual than men. These facts do not imply that women are naturally monogamous. In fact, they could be interpreted as showing that women need more than one man to be sexually satisfied.

Now, let’s look at some historical facts:
  • For the past couple of thousand years or so girls in the west have been raised to think that they’re not sexual and shouldn’t be sexual.
  • Girls and women... read more

#173: Giving Good Head Does Not Mean Simulating A Vacuum Cleaner

Jacqueline Hellyer - Saturday, September 03, 2016

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

It is not possible to use your mouth like a hand without doing severe damage to your neck. Let the porn stars get regular physio for their oral antics, it’s probably tax deductable anyway. It’s not for you.

So,... read more

#164: Leela: Cosmic Play, Sexual Play

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Spiritual sex is playful sex.

Because spirituality is about lightness, joy, relishing the spice of life. Our spirits love to play.

You can tell a truly spiritual person because they are light, they smile, they feel the lightness of being, the joy of existence.

The Hindu term ‘leela’ reflects this concept, that life is play. Without attachment and heaviness we can be playful.

It’s not just eastern traditions that recognise it, many of our great Western thinkers discovered the same thing:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

         George Bernard Shaw

"The true object of all human life is play."

           G. K. Chesterton

“The most evident token and apparent sign of true wisdom is a constant and unrestrained rejoicing.”  Montaigne

And to quote me: “Sex is playtime for grown-ups!”

We’ve been blessed with bodies that experience pleasure, minds that are creative and spirits that love to play. Life is meant to be the combination of all three, and sex, the source of life, the base of life, is most definitely all three.

read more

#161: The Sexual Glutton vs The Sexual Gourmet

Jacqueline Hellyer - Sunday, May 29, 2016

I was chatting to a good friend recently who, like many people, loves sex and loves the general topic of sex. He was musing on whether he might possibly be a sex addict given that he’s so fascinated, possibly even obsessed, by the topic. My reply was: “I hope not, because that would make me one too!”

It got me thinking, because I have done on-line “Are you a Sex Addict’ type quizzes, and according to some of them I certainly would be a sex addict because thinking about sex takes up so much of my time and sex in general plays such a big part of my life.

But there’s a big problem with these quizzes, and this extends to our attitude to sex in general, and that is that the questioning tends to be around the quantity of sex or sex-related activity and thought, rather than the quality. Lots of sex does not a sex addict make. It’s the approach that matters.

I got to thinking about a food analogy. I often use food analogies when talking about sexual issues. I do this mainly to remove the social stigmas, assumptions, beliefs, and so forth, that get in the way of assessing sexuality in a non-judgemental manner.... read more

#156: Ditch the Sex Myths

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, March 31, 2016

If you want to become a great lover and have wonderful sex, you have to ditch the myths that plague us.

Our society is full of sex myths. Because we don’t talk openly about the details of our sex lives and there have been so many moral issues associated with sex for so long that so many beliefs are taken for truth. These beliefs are so entrenched they can be challenging to let go of, but until you do, you’re holding yourself back. If you buy into a belief that there’s something wrong or bad about being a certain way, you’ll inevitably be judgmental about yourself and others.

Judgment is the biggest impediment to growth in any area, including sexuality.

I’m going to challenge you by starting with three big myths that are very entrenched in our society:

1. Men have evolved to ‘sow their seed widely’ and are therefore naturally non-monogamous
2. Women are naturally monogamous
3. Monogamy is naturally innate to humans

Not one of these myths is true!

I’m certainly not saying that we shouldn’t be monogamous. Monogamy is a very good thing! But it’s... read more

#135: So Many Boxes - So Little Freedom

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, July 30, 2015

So many people live lives that are boxes within boxes, constraints within constraints, limitations within limitations. The number of “should”s and “must”s and “ought”s and “can’t”s and “mustn’t”s are never-ending.

We love our boxes. We have them around our work, our gender, our ethnic grouping, our age, our relationship status, our parental status, our place of abode, our religious beliefs, our health, our appearance, our sports and our hobbies.

Then we love to categorise our personalities, whether it’s the multitude of psychological tests or astrological classifications - it’s all about putting ourselves into still more boxes.

How often do we say “I am a [insert classification]”, or limit ourselves by stating: “I’m [insert adjective] because I’m a [insert classification]”, or “I can/can’t/should/shouldn’t/must/mustn’t [insert verb] because I’m a [insert classification]”.

It’s all so limiting.

And it’s all based on fear.

And it comes through more powerfully, and more with more limits, in our sexuality than anywhere else.

I’m [insert gender] so I’m……
I’m [insert age] so I…..
I'm spiritual/an atheist/a [insert religion] so I….
I’m married/single/divorced/in a relationship so I…
I’m fat/old/ugly... read more

#121: Move Beyond Sleaze and Shame and Discover The Third Wave of Sexuality

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 21, 2015

For centuries we had sex as ‘shame’. Sex was seen as an unfortunate necessity to propagate the species.

Good women weren’t interested and men had their needs. Truly spiritual people abstained. No-one spoke about it, no-one studied it, only the very lucky or particularly diligent got to experience quality sex.

Then the pendulum swung completely the other way and for the last few decades we’ve had sex as sleaze. Now everyone’s supposed to be into it, gagging for it even, open to anything and everything and having mind-blowing experiences every time.

The first stage was outrageously prudish, which wasn’t good for anyone. The second stage has been outrageously permissive, which hasn’t been a whole lot better. It’s time for a third wave of sexuality. Beyond shame, beyond sleaze, it’s time for meaningful sex.

I’ve noticed over the past eight years or so that I’ve been specialising in sex, that there has been a shift. People are saying to me: “There’s got to be more to this sex thing.”

And they’re right. There’s a hell of a lot more to sex. Good sex, real sex, is empowering, uplifting, reviving, life enhancing.

What makes sex is... read more

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