Sex within intimate relationships can be an extraordinary place to grow spiritually, to deepen in love, expand conscious awareness, to feel more peace, bliss, ease. But it’s also very easy to fall into what’s called spiritual bypassing, thinking that you’re becoming more spiritual but actually doing some or all of the following:

• exaggerated detachment,
• emotional numbing and repression,
• overemphasis on the positive,
• anger-phobia,
• blind or overly tolerant compassion,
• weak or too porous boundaries,
• lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence),
• debilitating judgement about one’s negative or shadow side,
• devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and
• delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being. *

Which means you’re bypassing doing the psychological work you need to do to actually be able to develop spiritually.

I see a lot of this in my work, here are the most common examples:

• Spiritual narcissists, where one partner considers themselves spiritually ‘superior’ to the other. This may be because they have studied or engaged in spiritual practices more than their partner and assume that that makes them more spiritual. In fact, this is merely an inflated ego speaking. This can manifest in small ways such as bamboozling their partner with spiritual terminology. In more serious cases the ‘superior’ partner doesn’t take personal responsibility for their part of the relationship because the ‘less developed’ one just needs to ‘grow’ for the relationship to improve, and if they have a complaint they’re just ‘projecting their own shortcomings and need to look at themselves’, because of course the superior one doesn’t have any.
• In contrast to the first point, some people overly romanticise relationships, seeking a ‘soul-mate’ with whom they can have ‘perfect’ ease and harmony. This is actually fusion, which leads to avoiding issues as conflict of any sort indicates a lack of ‘perfect union’. This in turn stops real vulnerability and intimacy and leads to suppression rather than growth. If conflict aversion is combined with low self-esteem, a person might hand their personal power over to the other, which inevitably leads to control imbalance and inequality in the relationship and a whole heap of issues that stem from that.
• Clients who have succumbed to sexual predators masquerading as spiritual teachers and healers:

- The worst case I’ve had was a woman who was repeatedly sexually assaulted by her guru while he was staying at her house during a visit.

- I’ve had clients who had seen so-called tantric goddesses who have traumatised their clients under the guise of sexual healing. One such case was a rather reserved man whose wife was complaining he wasn’t sensual enough. The woman did teach him some ways to breathe and embrace - then finished the session with a hand-job! This was a shock in the sudden turn from sensual to overtly sexual, and more importantly because it breached the marriage vows, causing problems for him and his relationship.

- Lots of clients who have been to spiritual and/or tantric workshops and retreats and come out traumatized by the psychologically unsafe practices, or who had a major opening without supportive follow-up to enable integration back into their lives, leaving them at best confused and at worst verging on the psychotic.

• Many of my clients who have done a lot of spiritual development struggle with intimacy. In these cases, it can simply be a lack of understanding that personal growth does not necessarily equate to relationship growth, that intrapersonal development and interpersonal development are different. More often it’s because the person has mistaken emotional detachment with spiritual transcendence. Relationship requires openness and ability to be vulnerable with another, whereas spiritual bypassers hide behind a solid wall of impenetrable ‘spirituality’.
• People who confuse spiritual experiences with spiritual states. Too much success-driven ego is applied to the spiritual, people seek extreme experiences, visions, body convulsions, etc. And while these can be illuminating, they are only experiences in time, not permanent shifts in awareness. In fact, seeking these experiences does nothing to truly open and expand in love with wisdom and humility.
• So many people use the pleasure of sex to avoid their issues. The intensity of sex and the release of orgasm can distract from the pressures and issues that really need dealing with. They are using sex to make themselves feel better. This applies just as much, if not more so, if people are using ‘tantric’ or ‘spiritual’ sex as a cover for really looking at themselves.

Truly joyful, spiritual sexuality can’t be forced or coerced. You can’t use it to achieve a state, it is an expression of a pre-existingstate. There’s no short-cut. It requires dedication and a lot of challenging personal and relational cultivation to get there, both psychological and spiritual. Not that you ever actually get ‘there’, there’s no destination, simply ongoing focus and openness - and the potential for a lot of great loving along the way!



*This list is from Spiritual Bypassing by Robert.A. Masters - a great book if you want to read more about the topic.

Phase One: Two Become One

When we fall in love, there is so much newness and discovery that it’s very easy to feel like ‘two become one’, you feel you have so much in common! It’s just like the fairy-tales and you feel that you really will ‘live happily ever after’!!!

This is the ‘symbiotic’ phase of a relationship. It’s a very important part and builds a strong foundation.

Symbiosis or Fusion?

However, inevitably, you start to realise that two have not become one, two are still two. The cracks start to appear, your differences are more obvious and unsettling. I call this the ‘aargh’ phase of a relationship.

Sometimes couples split up at this phase, thinking that they’re not right for each other. That might be true, but not always.

Others pretend it’s not happening, they don’t talk about the differences. These couples tend to lose the singular pronoun and talk about ‘we’ and ‘us’ exclusively, and their relationship becomes more and more limited. They are not game to push boundaries, make suggestions, try new things, for fear of creating ‘conflict’.

Others recognise the differences, and blame the other! These are the couples that bicker all the time, caught in a web of hostility. They use the second person pronoun ‘you, you, you’ as they harangue their partner.

And some couples fall into a power play where one always acquiesces to the other. The old patriarchal model where the good wife submitted to the will of her husband, or when you hear men say "happy wife, happy life...whatever you say dear..."

None of these approaches is healthy. These couples are fused. They’ve tried to force the lovely symbiotic phase to continue, but in so doing have prevented authenticity and growth. They are stuck in co-dependance.

You can’t stay in the first phase. You have to evolve. You need to move to ‘two become two again’ and from there you can move to ‘two become three - two individuals and a couple’.


Phase Two: Differentiation - ‘two become two’

This means moving through the unsettling ‘differentiation’ phase. In this phase you drop the rose-coloured glasses and see your partner in their entirety as they really are. And they see you. This is the phase where you become experts on each other, really discover how each other ticks. You learn how your partner is different, their weaknesses, dysfunctions, and you get clearer on your own.

From there you can learn to relate to your partner in a way that works for them rather than just yourself. You jointly develop a dynamic between you that is safe and supportive when dealing with issues of difference.

You learn to simultaneously self-regulate and inter-regulate, attending to the other while managing your own emotional arousal. This is the master skill of relating!


Phase Three: The Couple Bubble - ‘two become three’

The better you master this phase the easier is to move to the ‘two become three’ phase, or as I like to think of it ‘the couple bubble’ phase. A bubble can separate into two and re-join again. That is how a good relationship is, you are both individuals and a couple. Your individuality enhances your coupledom and your coupledom enhances your individuality. You each know yourselves and your partner so well that you can self-soothe and soothe the other. You can ask for what you want, and you can give what the other wants. You create safe, secure space so you can support each other through the tough times and share the joys of the good times.

You can dip into your bubble momentarily: with a glance, a touch, a thought; or you can be in it for longer periods: a conversation, a night out, a session of lovemaking, a weekend away. This fills up your 'love bank', keeping you connected and recharged, so when you're apart you can be fabulous as an individual, you still have a sense of the 'bubble'.

When you're in this phase you feel as though you have a unique frequency that connects you, you know someone always has your back. To the outside world this phase might look like the first phase, but it's fundamentally different because you've differentiated. You've become experts on each other, you've got a secure, strong dynamic, and you continue to grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple.

To learn more about evolving as a couple, join me at one of my wonderful Couples Retreats: five days in Bali or three days in the Blue Mountains.

For generations we raised our girl children to think they’re not sexual, that they shouldn’t be sexual, and if they were sexual - stoning or burning them to death or locking them away in insane asylums. Women didn’t have a chance to explore their sexuality, and neither did their partners.

So, with no alternative, when a man married he basically kept on doing with his wife what he’d been doing with himself for years - masturbating. Since puberty the adolescent boy had been stroking his penis as fast as he could until he ejaculated. So when he got a female partner, not knowing any better, he kept doing that inside her.

Essentially men were masturbating inside their wives.

So the standard approach has three parts:

1. Find yourself aroused - you have to be horny before you start.

2. Stroke genitals rapidly - it's all about the shagging

3. Have an orgasm - we all know the 'rule' that sex ends when the man ejaculates - right?

I call this theAdolescent Male Masturbatory (AMM) Model of Sex.

It’s what we in the West have done for millennia.

Then, a mere few decades ago, we had the sexual revolution. Suddenly society decided that sex was good and that it was OK for women to want and enjoy sex. But, the only model we had was the AMM Model of sex. So now everyone was supposed to want and enjoy sex like a teenage boy masturbating: sudden onset of desire, rapid and intense genital activity, one orgasm at the end, generally accompanied by “naughty” and “sleazy” thoughts.

The problem is though, that most people don’t actually like sex like that. And even if they do, it’s very limited.

Unfortunately, with a lack of alternatives, our society has focused on the AMM Model:
- genital oriented,
- orgasm oriented,
- fantasy features that appeal to adolescent boys, such as pneumatic breasts and abnormally large penises,
- and it’s very youth-oriented.

And it’s total madness for women. In the space of a few decades we’ve gone from lack of sexual interest as being considered the norm for women, to ‘low libido’ being the biggest sexual ‘dysfunction’ of women. And we’ve got women limiting themselves to clitoral orgasms when the female potential is so much more than emulating the limitations of male orgasm. (Not to disregard clitoral orgasms, they are very fine things, but they are just a 'blip', a moment in time compared to what's possible...)

Even for men, as a man matures, his skills as a lover should far exceed the limited thrusts of a penis. Yet men take little blue pills by the bucket load so as to have erections like a young man, without realising that there’s so much more to sex than a hard cock.

When adult men and women realise what their sexual potential is, there’s no way they’d want to limit themselves to the genital fumblings of ‘normal’ (AMM) sex.

There is some acknowledgement that women don’t orgasm the same way as the ‘normal’ male, so now we have the Chivalrous AMM Model of Sex. That is, give her an orgasm first, and then continue with the standard procedure. There’s still an expectation that they’ll both be horny first, the genitals are the focus, the orgasm is the main event, and it’s all over when he comes.

Boring!

It’s time we moved on from this limited view of sex and sexuality. I believe that society is shifting, that people are starting to realise that there’s got to be more to sex than this, that sex is not some brief act of friction between genitals for a momentary climax at the end.

That’s why people are exploring the sensual, the spiritual, the playful, the 'wicked', the energetic aspects of sex. There is so much more to sex than mutual masturbation.

Our human sexual potential is an awesome thing, every human’s birth right and definitely worth exploring.

A couple who had been regular clients for most of the year finished their time with me recently. At their final session they told me they realized they were 'fixed' because they'd been out to dinner and found themselves happily talking about their sex life as though it was a normal part of life….

I was so pleased to hear this! For this couple, as with so many people, sex had become a Big Issue. It was a crazy mélange of expectations, obligations, desires, awkwardness, uncertainty, pleasures, confusions, misunderstandings - none of which they were able to deal with as they would with any other part of their lives.

As with other couples who stick with sex therapy, after (in their case) about ten sessions, they had unwound that knotty mess and had learned to speak openly and freely with each other. So sex had lost its “heaviness” and had once again become something light and joyful in their lives - to the extent that it had become an engaging and normal topic of dinnertime conversation.

I see this time after time - the ease with which couples come to see their sex lives after doing work with me, how they find a freedom to talk about sex, with lightness and naturalness.

Once they can talk freely, they can engage freely!

We tend to exceptionalise sex in our society. It's seen as something different from all other elements of our lives and so we treat it differently, as something ‘exceptional’, something not normal.

If you compare sex to say food, if our partner served us a meal that was a bit salty we’d naturally point out that we’d prefer less salt, and we’d consider it very normal to feel free enough to comment on our culinary preferences. We wouldn’t think our partner would be upset if we comment on how much salt they use, we wouldn’t think we’re abnormal for not liking that amount of salt, and we wouldn’t think that food was an awkward conversation and one we felt uncomfortable having.

So, yes, we can say we prefer less salt - but when it comes to sex there are all sorts of difficulties in speaking so freely. It’s so much harder to say: I’d prefer you to touch me a little more softly, or firmly, or just there, or not there, or almost, almost, ah yes that’s the spot…!

Part of the process of improving your sexual relating is to get to the stage where sex is simply a normal part of life. So just as you can comfortably talk to your partner about what you’d like for dinner, how much, what condiments, and all the myriad fine details that go into a meal, so you can speak just as freely about your love life - and with that comes a freedom to express yourself in words and actions with honesty, realness, connection and, of course, pleasure.

It can be difficult to find that language on your own though, difficult to have those conversations, which is why it's so good to work with a specialist like me to help you develop that comfort, either through sessions at my clinic, or by attending one of my gorgeous Couples Retreats. It's an investment that will pay back for the rest of your lives!

I find people's views on sex fascinating, even after over eight thousand hours of talking to people in detail about their sex lives! There's so much diversity around what we think of as “normal” or “abnormal” - far more diversity than you'd think if you based it on the media or general opinion.

I could go on and on about the range of opinions people have about what “normal” is.

But in my considerable experience as a Sex Therapist, I’ve discovered that the idea of “normal” has little basis in anything other than what people themselves have experienced in their own lives.

Interestingly, whether they think that their own experience is normal or abnormal seems to be based more on their level of self-esteem than anything else:

• People with high self-esteem tend to feel that what they do and think is normal.
• People with low self -esteem tend to feel that what they think and do is abnormal. 



I’ve had a client who ended a significant relationship because he felt he couldn’t last long enough to satisfy his partner, even though she disagreed. This was because his experience of women was that they wanted lots of intense sex.

I’ve had another client who was ashamed of his sexuality because his experience of women was that they didn’t like sex and found his desire abhorrent.

These two examples show completely opposite experiences in life, leading to completely different views of what is normal, and their own normality or otherwise.

I’ve had plenty of middle-aged female clients who declare that it’s ‘normal’ for them to no longer be interested in sex, and just as many who see their 40s, 50s or 60s as time to discover themselves and come into the fullness of their sexuality. This seems to depend far more on the conversations they have with their female friends than anything else.

I’ll have one couple come in with, say, the man declaring it’s “normal” for him to want sex all the time because that’s what men are like; then the next couple come in and the man’s declaring he’s “normal” because he works so hard he’s tired and of course he’s not up for it as much as her.

I’ll have one couple come in saying that of course they don’t have sex much, they’ve been married for thirty years so naturally they’ve lost interest; then the next couple come in saying they have sex four times a week because they have been married for thirty years, and now they’ve got the time and space to have sex that often!

I’ll have a slim woman come in saying she no longer enjoys sex because she’s self-conscious about her post-pregnancy tummy; then a size 24 woman will come in to discuss how to manage the complexity of her multiple partners.

One poor person will come in alone because their partner thinks it’s abnormal to want to improve their non-existent sex life, let alone talk to anyone about it; and the next couple will come in beaming about their wonderful sex life and feeling it’s quite normal to keep exploring and find out how to make it even better.

I have:

• Young men coming in wondering what’s wrong with them because they like sensual love-making more than hard shagging;
• Women thinking there’s something wrong with them because they don’t orgasm during intercourse;
• Men feeling inadequate because they can’t last as long as porn stars supposedly do;
• People feeling bad because they ‘only’ have sex four times a week;
• People feeling pleased with themselves because they have plenty of sex - at least once a week;
• Couples where the man is holding back so as not to ‘impose’ and his partner wishing he would ravish her;
• Couples where the man thinks there’s something wrong with his partner because she doesn't like his intense ‘passionate’ approach;
• People who think sex is only doing it like porn stars;
• People who think sex is only under the covers with the lights out;
• People who think sex is only tender and spiritual;
• People who think X is normal and Y is perverted;
• People who think Y is normal and X is perverted;
• People who think sex isn’t important;
• People who think it is…..



Get the picture?

I kid you not, the diversity is huge, and the contradictions are constant. In one day I’ll see a complete spectrum of experiences - and a huge range of interpretations of what that means. And it’s all based on what the individuals think is normal or abnormal.

So, what is normal? It’s all ‘normal’!

The question really needs to be: What matters?

And the answer to that is simply: What is right for you.

As you get clearer on what's right for you, it gets easier to co-create a great love life with your partner.

(And of course when I say 'normal' I mean consensual and safe.)

Sex is one of the great forms of human self-expression. It's a place where creativity, physical movement, pleasure and joy can manifest, just like the other forms of human expression - music, art, design, dance, cooking, sport, writing.


But people don’t often see sex as self-expression. More often sex has so much attached to it that there is more suppression around it than expression.

Hindered by all the myths around sex in our society, caught up in our heads about what we should or shouldn’t be doing, about what’s right or wrong, confusion about expectations and obligations, sex often is more fraught with fearing than open to freeing.

Think about your own sex life: is there more expression or suppression? Would you describe it more as fearful or freeing? If it’s further down the negative end, what can you do to start shifting it to the positive?

• Is it shifts in your head? Do you need to change your way of thinking?

• Is it shifts in your heart? Do you need to change your way of relating?

• Is it shifts in your gut? Do you need to change your way of doing?

Do you have a vision of what a wonderful sex life would be like? Is this vision true to you and your values and your desires, or is it another ‘should’, based on what you think it should be rather than what is right for you?

Sex can, and should (yes, ‘should’, one of the rare occasions when it’s OK to say ‘should’) be a wonderful thing - for you. It can be simple and infrequent if that’s right for you (in fact you don’t have to have sex at all) or it can be your life’s work and passion (then you’d be a sex geek like me). The important thing is that it is life-enhancing, and that by engaging in sex you feel better for it, preferably at many different levels - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Express yourself!



If you need help moving from suppression to expression, book in for sex therapy at The LoveLife Clinic.

Humans love watching people have sex. The voyeuristic elements of sex have been part of human sexuality as far back as recorded history goes, and probably beyond. Erotic art is found around the world from all eras. Even in sexually repressed periods such as Victorian England there was a flourishing trade in postcards of nudes and amazing little paper contraptions that mimicked the sex act. In present times, there wouldn't be too many men around who, as a teenager, didn’t have girlie magazines stuffed under their mattress, which their girlfriends also looked at in fascination.

And now we have a proliferation of porn on the Internet. So is this good or bad?

Well, it is inevitable. We are a voyeuristic species and we’re an inventive species, so inevitably we’ll use the latest technology to increase voyeuristic opportunities. And hey, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with watching people having sex to get turned on.

But like all other indulgent activities, whether it be eating chocolate, buying shoes, having a massage, you need to be know how much of a good thing is good and how much slips over into one of the deadly sins (gluttony, greed, sloth and of course, lust – to name four out of seven).

Just as - a small amount of chocolate makes you feel good but too much makes you feel sick and you get fat and unhealthy; purchasing a pair of fabulous shoes makes you feel happy and gorgeous, but buying too many makes you feel guilty, ruins your bank balance and makes you look like a sad Imelda Marcos wannabe; an hour of massage is relaxing and invigorating, but too much is either enervating or makes you fall asleep - so can pornography titillate and turn you on, but too much becomes an obsession and interferes with true sexual connection with your partner.

One of the problems with porn, as with so much in our ‘quick fix’ society is that it’s too easy. Just switch on the computer and there you are immersed in sexual arousal. It’s like buying a take-away meal rather than making dinner yourself. And while you could quite happily live your life eating take-away food without too many consequences (as long as it was the good stuff), it doesn’t work with sex if you’re partnered. Sex with a partner is like the home-cooked meal, it takes time, and generally the more attention you put into the making of it, the better the results.

Another problem with porn is that many people think that what they’re watching is good sex. But porn is designed to be visually stimulating, so it’s what looks good, not necessarily what feels good. You don’t see men going down on women in porn because it’s visually boring but women going down on men is visually interesting. You don’t see men ejaculating inside women because it’s visually boring, the cum shot over the face or breasts is visually interesting.

Just as importantly, people need to remember that it’s not real. The women might look like they’re enjoying themselves, but they’re actresses paid to look like that! The male actors are also selected on criteria that would make 99% of men feel inadequate size-wise, and their apparent ability to last and last is based on the skill of the film editor, not the actor himself!

You’re not going to learn to be a great lover by watching porn. It might turn you on, and it might give you some ideas, but if that’s what you’re expecting sex to be like then you’re going to be disappointed.

Good sex is not about acting; it’s not about what looks good; it’s about what feels good. Often the two do overlap, and what feels good might look like porn, but not necessarily, and not inevitably, and to get to that takes time and connection, not a quick fix.

So if you like porn, great, watch it, but remember that it’s just visual titillation, nothing more.

Being a sex geek, I am both trained as a scientist yet explore areas more likely to be considered mystical - particularly in the area of sexual pleasure. I myself have ecstatic experiences and blissful states that are quite different and far more pleasurable than what is considered 'normal sex', and I have spoken with many people who also have them, and have helped many others discover these possibilities too.

I am not exaggerating when I say that 'normal' sex is to this type of sex what a fast-food hamburger is to gourmet cooking (keeping in mind that sometimes a hamburger is just fine, and you don’t have to like fine food).

So, the geek in me asks ‘why?’ Why do some people experience this and not others? What's happening?

Historically it’s clear that we suppressed sexuality in the West, particularly female sexuality, so when sexual liberation came in the 1970s there was a lot we didn't know about sexuality and it's potential.

Scientifically I feel that scientific interest in sex has been so focused on reproduction and disease that there has been very little focus on sexual pleasure, let alone sexual bliss and ecstasy. It’s still mired in the values of the past where sex was considered something ‘base’ and therefore not worthy of study.

Socially I feel that because people don’t know what they don’t know, they’re not looking for it. Although I do believe that is shifting as people start to realise that there’s got to be more to sex than prudery or porn, and interest in Tantra, mindfulness and conscious relating increase.

So back to the ‘why’. I’ve written and spoken and lectured at length about the approach to sex that leads to these states. What’s going on in the body though?

I suspect it works at two levels:

• In entering this kind of sexual experience, biochemical reactions are initiated that release the chemicals that cause the good feelings. By staying in elevated states of arousal and avoiding the genital focused intensity of ‘standard’ orgasms, the biochemical state is not turned off, so the pleasure lasts.
• Within the brain you’re using less of the detail-oriented, monkey chattering left side of the brain, and settling into more of a right-brain orientation. So that you feel, what the neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor describes as a oneness: “I am the life-force power of the universe. I am the life-force power of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form, at one with all that is,” - a sense of bliss. (View her wonderful video 'Stroke of Insight' on TED.)

I believe humans need this bliss.Without knowing how to achieve it naturally, too many people are driven to use drugs and alcohol to create artificial versions of this state, which leads to addiction, poor health and lowered quality of life. Achieving natural highs from bliss-inducing sex not only feels wonderful at the time, it also helps enormously with life, so you have more energy, think better, look better and feel better.

Others might think you’re looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses - but you know the world really is rose-coloured.

There’s a myth perpetuating in our society that men are “naturally” more promiscuous than women. One of the reasons given for this is that men have evolved to “sow their seed widely” so as to have more children and therefore ensure the continuity of their genes.

I'm never sure whether to pull my hair out in frustration or laugh at the ludicrousness of such as suggestion, which I hear so often, even from intelligent thoughtful people.

The fact is that the “sow seed widely” form of reproduction is generally only practiced by the lower orders of animals, such as amphibians and fish and coral. In these species the female lays huge quantities of eggs, which hatch into offspring, most of which don’t survive until reproductive age. The males conversely, have to spread huge amounts of sperm around, to catch the widely scattered eggs.

As you go further up the complexity of the animal kingdom you find that there is less and less spreading of seed by the males as the females give birth to increasingly dependent young. By the time you get to humans at the top of the complexity scale and at the extreme end of the infant nurturing scale, you get offspring that are so useless they take years of intense looking after before they are capable of fending for themselves and hopefully living to reproductive age.

The reason that human infants are so helpless in the beginning is that they have such huge brains that they have really big heads, and the baby has to be born before its head gets so big that it can’t get out of the womb through the birth canal. So babies are born when their large brains are still relatively undeveloped. They require years of care until their brains have developed to a point where they can fend for themselves (around seven years of age).

Now, given that there were no single mother benefits in prehistoric days, it would have been virtually impossible for a woman to raise children on her own. The human race would not have become as successful as it has if the men were wandering around impregnating women randomly and leaving them to fend for themselves.

No, rather, both parents were required to work together to provide for themselves and their family. In fact, the whole group would have helped in child rearing. When you look at hunter-gatherer societies it’s very much the whole tribe looking after the children, because the tribe needed the children to survive in order for the tribe to survive. Humans are a very cooperative bunch. We've had to be. It’s our ability to cooperate that has enabled us to become so successful as a species - especially given our pathetically useless young!

The result is that humans have evolved (or been designed) to have frequent and highly pleasurable sex so that the parents can feel good about staying together as they need to stay together for the sake of the children. If sex was just about reproduction then women would only be attractive to men when they were ovulating, and there would be no need for either sex to have enjoyable sex (as is the case with almost all other species).

All of which doesn’t deny that there are still highly promiscuous men. The point is though, that they can’t use the “sowing the seed” theory as their excuse!

Just because all the media hype promotes thin people as being “sexier” doesn’t mean it’s true. Even if they were sexier, it doesn’t mean they have better sex than people with a bit more flesh on them.

I mean, do you prefer your lover built for comfort or for speed?

I remember a party I was at in my 20’s, talking to another woman who was a little on the plump side - rather voluptuous. She was bemoaning how unattractive she was and wishing she were thin like me: “Because men like thin women”. “Rubbish!” I replied – and went on to prove it by asking every young man in the room whose figure they preferred, hers or mine.

All but one (including my boyfriend) admitted they preferred her figure. She was astounded. She’d really believed the hype about thinness. It completely changed her attitude to herself in general and to her sexuality in particular. It gave her greater self-esteem. And that made her sexier.

Because when you think about what makes for sexiness and good sex – self-confidence is a major factor. If you think there’s something about you that’s not appealing, you’ll feel less sexy, and that means you will actually be less sexy.

Sexy is head stuff. Sexy is an idea that comes from your mind. How you feel is how you are.

It doesn’t matter what size you are. Full-figured, voluptuous people can be far more luscious than skinny twigs. All that flesh and softness and roundness – just like a juicy peach.

And in one of those weird paradoxes that life, and sexuality, is full of – if you feel you’re unattractive you’re less likely to have sex so you’ll feel less attractive which means you’ll have less sex, and so it goes. In contrast, if you feel reasonably confident and have sex, you’ll improve your self-esteem, which will make you feel more attractive and means you’ll have more sex and feel even better about yourself!

It’s your choice whether you buy into the media hype about sexy slimness and follow the negative feedback loop, or whether you tune into the luscious sexiness within you, regardless of your shape, and follow the positive feedback loop.

There might be a few positions that are trickier for a fuller figure – but you don’t need bells and whistles for great sex. Although having said that, fuller figured people can use any number of props and toys to add comfort and titillation to their sexual activities.

One problem I have heard from larger people is that they get tired more quickly. Well, that’s only a problem if you make it one – it can also be a great reason for interspersing more intense sexual activity with some long, slow, sensual activities. In fact, that’s what great sex is!

You’re only limited by your beliefs, and are as free as your imagination takes you. Whoever you are.

And for an added bonus, an active sex life helps keep you in shape. It mightn’t make you skinny – but it will help keep you fit, supple and toned, whatever your size.

So, what’s holding bigger people back from fabulous sex – being out of shape and low physical self-esteem? Well then – have some sex!

Big Sex is Beautiful Sex!!

(And if you're on the skinnier side – Skinny Sex Is Great Too! It’s All Great!)