Just because all the media hype promotes thin people as being “sexier” doesn’t mean it’s true. Even if they were sexier, it doesn’t mean they have better sex than people with a bit more flesh on them.

I mean, do you prefer your lover built for comfort or for speed?

I remember a party I was at in my 20’s, talking to another woman who was a little on the plump side - rather voluptuous. She was bemoaning how unattractive she was and wishing she were thin like me: “Because men like thin women”. “Rubbish!” I replied – and went on to prove it by asking every young man in the room whose figure they preferred, hers or mine.

Let’s take a look at the widely held myth that women are not naturally promiscuous. 

First, a few biological facts:

• Women are able to have sex at any time
• Women are more sexually responsive than men (more orgasms both in quantity, variety and quality)
• Women can generally last sexually longer than men
• Women tend to get bored and lose interest in sex more easily than men
• Women generally need evidence of positive male interest and attention to want to have sex
• Women tend to have a less physical “urge” for sex, rather a more contextual interest in sex
• Women’s interest in sex sparks up with a new sex/love interest

• For the past couple of thousand years or so girls in the west have been raised to think that they’re not sexual and shouldn’t be sexual.
• Girls and women... read more

Yes, I know on the porn clips the women giving men oral sex appear to be applying an extraordinary amount of suction and vigorous attention to the penis, and the man appears to be enjoying it. But you know what - they’re actors. You don’t know if they’re actually enjoying it. That’s not what porn is, porn is designed to be visually stimulating, it’s supposed to be what looks arousing, not what actually is arousing. Never assume that what you see on porn feels good.

And yes, I know when a man masturbates he tends to stroke his shaft vigorously.

But your mouth is not a hand. Your mouth is completely different to a hand, not only in the way it holds a penis, but in the mechanism of how it moves. Your hand is attached to a very flexible wrist, which is attached to a very strong and mobile arm. Your mouth is part of your head, attached to a delicate and not very maneuverable neck.

Spiritual sex is playful sex.

Because spirituality is about lightness, joy, relishing the spice of life. Our spirits love to play.

You can tell a truly spiritual person because they are light, they smile, they feel the lightness of being, the joy of existence.

The Hindu term ‘leela’ reflects this concept, that life is play. Without attachment and heaviness we can be playful.

It’s not just eastern traditions that recognise it, many of our great Western thinkers discovered the same thing:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

         George Bernard Shaw

"The true object of all human life is play."

           G. K. Chesterton

“The most evident token and apparent sign of true wisdom is a constant and unrestrained rejoicing.”  Montaigne

And to quote me: “Sex is playtime for grown-ups!”

We’ve been blessed with bodies that experience pleasure, minds that are creative and spirits that love to play. Life is meant to be the combination of all three, and sex, the source of life, the base of life, is most definitely all three.

I was chatting to a good friend recently who, like many people, loves sex and loves the general topic of sex. He was musing on whether he might possibly be a sex addict given that he’s so fascinated, possibly even obsessed, by the topic. My reply was: “I hope not, because that would make me one too!”

It got me thinking, because I have done on-line “Are you a Sex Addict’ type quizzes, and according to some of them I certainly would be a sex addict because thinking about sex takes up so much of my time and sex in general plays such a big part of my life.

If you want to become a great lover and have wonderful sex, you have to ditch the myths that plague us.

Our society is full of sex myths. Because we don’t talk openly about the details of our sex lives and there have been so many moral issues associated with sex for so long that so many beliefs are taken for truth. These beliefs are so entrenched they can be challenging to let go of, but until you do, you’re holding yourself back. If you buy into a belief that there’s something wrong or bad about being a certain way, you’ll inevitably be judgmental about yourself and others.

Judgment is the biggest impediment to growth in any area, including sexuality.

I’m going to challenge you by starting with three big myths that are very entrenched in our society:

So many people live lives that are boxes within boxes, constraints within constraints, limitations within limitations. The number of “should”s and “must”s and “ought”s and “can’t”s and “mustn’t”s are never-ending.

We love our boxes. We have them around our work, our gender, our ethnic grouping, our age, our relationship status, our parental status, our place of abode, our religious beliefs, our health, our appearance, our sports and our hobbies.

Then we love to categorise our personalities, whether it’s the multitude of psychological tests or astrological classifications - it’s all about putting ourselves into still more boxes.

How often do we say “I am a [insert classification]”, or limit ourselves by stating: “I’m [insert adjective] because I’m a [insert classification]”, or “I can/can’t/should/shouldn’t/must/mustn’t [insert verb] because I’m a [insert classification]”.

It’s all so limiting.

And it’s all based on fear.

And it comes through more powerfully, and more with more limits, in our sexuality than anywhere else.

I’m [insert gender] so I’m……
I’m [insert age] so I…..
I'm spiritual/an atheist/a [insert religion] so I….
I’m married/single/divorced/in a relationship so I…
I’m fat/old/ugly... read more

For centuries we had sex as ‘shame’. Sex was seen as an unfortunate necessity to propagate the species.

Good women weren’t interested and men had their needs. Truly spiritual people abstained. No-one spoke about it, no-one studied it, only the very lucky or particularly diligent got to experience quality sex.

Then the pendulum swung completely the other way and for the last few decades we’ve had sex as sleaze. Now everyone’s supposed to be into it, gagging for it even, open to anything and everything and having mind-blowing experiences every time.

The first stage was outrageously prudish, which wasn’t good for anyone. The second stage has been outrageously permissive, which hasn’t been a whole lot better. It’s time for a third wave of sexuality. Beyond shame, beyond sleaze, it’s time for meaningful sex.