Phase One: Two Become One

When we fall in love, there is so much newness and discovery that it’s very easy to feel like ‘two become one’, you feel you have so much in common! It’s just like the fairy-tales and you feel that you really will ‘live happily ever after’!!!

This is the ‘symbiotic’ phase of a relationship. It’s a very important part and builds a strong foundation.

Symbiosis or Fusion?

However, inevitably, you start to realise that two have not become one, two are still two. The cracks start to appear, your differences are more obvious and unsettling. I call this the ‘aargh’ phase of a relationship.

Sometimes couples split up at this phase, thinking that they’re not right for each other. That might be true, but not always.

Others pretend it’s not happening, they don’t talk about the differences. These couples tend to lose the singular pronoun and talk about ‘we’ and ‘us’ exclusively, and their relationship becomes more and more limited. They are not game to push boundaries, make suggestions, try new things, for fear of creating ‘conflict’.

Others recognise the differences, and blame the other! These are the couples that bicker all the time, caught in a web of hostility. They use the second person pronoun ‘you, you, you’ as they harangue their partner.

And some couples fall into a power play where one always acquiesces to the other. The old patriarchal model where the good wife submitted to the will of her husband, or when you hear men say "happy wife, happy life...whatever you say dear..."

None of these approaches is healthy. These couples are fused. They’ve tried to force the lovely symbiotic phase to continue, but in so doing have prevented authenticity and growth. They are stuck in co-dependance.

You can’t stay in the first phase. You have to evolve. You need to move to ‘two become two again’ and from there you can move to ‘two become three - two individuals and a couple’.


Phase Two: Differentiation - ‘two become two’

This means moving through the unsettling ‘differentiation’ phase. In this phase you drop the rose-coloured glasses and see your partner in their entirety as they really are. And they see you. This is the phase where you become experts on each other, really discover how each other ticks. You learn how your partner is different, their weaknesses, dysfunctions, and you get clearer on your own.

From there you can learn to relate to your partner in a way that works for them rather than just yourself. You jointly develop a dynamic between you that is safe and supportive when dealing with issues of difference.

You learn to simultaneously self-regulate and inter-regulate, attending to the other while managing your own emotional arousal. This is the master skill of relating!


Phase Three: The Couple Bubble - ‘two become three’

The better you master this phase the easier is to move to the ‘two become three’ phase, or as I like to think of it ‘the couple bubble’ phase. A bubble can separate into two and re-join again. That is how a good relationship is, you are both individuals and a couple. Your individuality enhances your coupledom and your coupledom enhances your individuality. You each know yourselves and your partner so well that you can self-soothe and soothe the other. You can ask for what you want, and you can give what the other wants. You create safe, secure space so you can support each other through the tough times and share the joys of the good times.

You can dip into your bubble momentarily: with a glance, a touch, a thought; or you can be in it for longer periods: a conversation, a night out, a session of lovemaking, a weekend away. This fills up your 'love bank', keeping you connected and recharged, so when you're apart you can be fabulous as an individual, you still have a sense of the 'bubble'.

When you're in this phase you feel as though you have a unique frequency that connects you, you know someone always has your back. To the outside world this phase might look like the first phase, but it's fundamentally different because you've differentiated. You've become experts on each other, you've got a secure, strong dynamic, and you continue to grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple.

To learn more about evolving as a couple, join me at one of my wonderful Couples Retreats: five days in Bali or three days in the Blue Mountains.

At the end of my last Couples Retreat, one participant, who’d had quite a challenging time of it, declared with a big smile and evident relief that she realised that prior to the retreat she had not been relationship oriented.

I see this a lot, in various manifestations.

In some couples, one declares they are quite happy in the relationship and so their dissatisfied partner must have their own issues to deal with. Well, no, I’m afraid that if one person is not happy then there is something wrong with the relationship not with only one of the individuals in it. Thinking otherwise is not being relationship oriented.

I see other couples where they might both be feeling dissatisfied in the relationship, but one claims to know what the problem is, and the problem is the partner, who needs to sort out ‘their’ issues. This person is also not relationship oriented.

And frequently I see couples where they have both done a lot of individual personal development and growth and so are puzzled as to why they are having relationship issues.

In all these cases, one or both is seeing themselves as two separate individuals, rather than as a two-person psychobiological unit.

If you’re recoiling from this, then you probably fall into this category too – you’re not relationship-oriented. And I have to confess that I used to be this way myself! I thought a good relationship was one where there were two strong independent individuals who got on well together.

I was partly right, yes, you do need to be two strong independent individuals, I’m not talking about fused co-dependency here. But we are a social species, and we are a pair-bonding species. When we have quality relationships with people we love, we are physically and mentally healthier and have a stronger sense of well-being.

When you are in close relationship with someone you affect each other’s biology and psychology – for the good and for the bad. So, you want to be sure that your interactions are positive for both of you. That creates a secure functioning relationship.

When you have a secure functioning relationship, I like to think of it as your ‘couple bubble’, it gives you greater security in life, so you become a better individual; and becoming that better individual also strengthens your couple bubble. It’s a positive feed-back loop.

If you see yourselves as two separate individuals, then there is no couple bubble, with none of the benefits that brings. So, you need to make sure that you are paying attention to your partner. You need to become experts on each other, really understand how your partner ticks, what he or she needs and wants and feels, who they really are. In that way you are relating to them in a way that works for them, not just in a way that works for you. When you are both doing that then you are co-creating in a way that is positive for both of you.

So, think about it: are you an expert on your partner? Do you relate to your partner in a way that works for them? And are they doing the same for you? Is your relationship a secure couple bubble that supports both of you physically, mentally and emotionally? Are you both relationship-oriented?

The secret to a strong relationship is that you merge your love and sexual energies within you and share that constantly. This creates a unique vibration between you, like your own radio frequency. It’s a frequency that has the warmth and support of love yet with a zest, a frission of the sexual. It is a potent energy.

This frequency manifests in myriad small ways throughout the day - in looks, touches, comments, tokens (gifts, surprises, services). I’ve described this in other blogs as sharing ‘quanta of deliciousness’, maintaining the 'mmm' factor, and focusing on the 'beforeplay' .

When you keep this frequency strong it creates a depth of connection, a profound intimacy. It makes it both easier to move into genital sexual connection, as you are already so connected it’s not a great jump (important for people who have resistance or difficulty being interested in genital interaction), and paradoxically genital sexual connection becomes less important because you already have a strong sexual energy flowing between you (important for those who have a strong need or urgency for genital interaction).

Rather than sex being an ‘off or on’ dynamic in your relationship, it becomes a sliding scale. I’ve described this elsewhere as ‘keeping yourselves simmering’: if your sexual relating is like a thermostat with zero degrees being completely uninterested and 100 degrees completely interested, then cultivating this kind of relating enables you to stay in the simmer zone. So it becomes easy to segue into more genital or more passionate sexual relating, and easy to jointly manage how and what you do.

This might be quite a shift from the way you usually think of sex and love. If you’ve found yourself feeling like housemates or ruing the good old days when having sex was easy, then you’re probably stuck in the sex-love duality rather than the integrated approach I’m advocating here. So let’s do a practical activity.

Practical Exercise

Bring your focus to your sense of love. How does it feel? What are the qualities of your energy of love? Does it have a colour? Where do your feel it in your body? Place your hand there and stay with this felt sense of love, this energy of love.

Then bring your focus to your sexuality. This energy of life, creativity, growth, desire. How does it feel? What are the qualities of your energy of sex? Does it have a colour? Where do you feel it in your body? Place your hand there and stay with this felt sense of sex, this energy of sexuality.

Most probably you now have one hand over your heart, the centre of love, and one hand over your pelvis, your sexual centre.

Now I invite you to merge those two energies within you. Bring the sexual energy up and combine it with your love energy. How does that feel? Stay with that sensation for a while, really feel into the potency of merging the two energies within you.

Then share that energy with your partner. Imagine that this is an energy that is constantly being shared between you. Every time you have an interaction, no matter how small, infuse it with this energy. Imagine this right now, think about the difference between these following small things, without this infusion and with:

• a brief kiss on parting or greeting
• coming up to your partner when they’re doing something and lightly laying your hand on them
• handing them a drink you’ve prepared for them
• noticing how attractive they are and commenting on it
• sending them a message during the day
• catching their eye
• simply thinking about them

Can you get a sense of how even these tiny little interactions provide an opportunity to share this energy? How potent this is? This then feeds into bigger interactions - conversations, snuggles, joint activities, and of course, sex.

Well, you come to realise that it’s all sex, not just the genital engagement that we usually think of as sex! But, if we are referring specifically to the physical act of sex, you find that it too becomes so much more profound. That it truly becomes an expression of selves, with a richness and depth that is connection-enriching and life-enhancing.

To learn more about how to cultivate this type of relating I recommend you attend my five-day Couples Retreat in Balior three-day Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountainsor book in for private sex and relationship therapy sessions.

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways

1. I say it with words of love and affection
2. I touch you with love and affection
3. I give you gifts
4. I spend time with you
5. I do things for you

I’m sure that Shakespeare in his wisdom about human relationships would have agreed with these five ‘languages’ of love. It’s actually the modern-day author Gary Chapman who came up with them.

All five languages are important and necessary, but the fact is that we all express love differently and we all receive love differently. It’s important that you know your own style of loving, and equally important that you understand, recognize and appreciate the style of those close to you.

If, for instance, your main language of love is words of affection, and your least strong language is doing things, yet your partner is the opposite, then you’re going to have problems. You’ll be declaring your love with words which will just brush off your partner, or even annoy them: “Huh, it’s just words, it doesn’t mean anything”. While at the same time they will be doing all sorts of things to demonstrate how much they love you and you won’t even notice. And because they’re not verbalizing their love for you then you might not feel loved at all.

There are two main types of loving: affective and effective. Affective is saying it in words or touch, effective is doing things for the other, including giving gifts.

Ask yourself which is the most important thing for you to receive from your partner as a sign of their love for you – words, touch, gifts, actions or time?

Now ask them what it is for them. You might be surprised at the difference.

Once you know what your preferred love language is, and what your partner’s is, you can pay more attention to expressing it in a way that they can receive; and you’ll become better at noticing when they are expressing their love, even when it’s not your primary style.

Which makes for more love and understanding all round!

We’ve discussed the importance of sharing before you move into solution mode. How you do this is equally as important.

John Gottman, has also identified four negative ways of communicating, which he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. These might not seem as drastic as the originals from the Bible: war, pestilence, famine and plague, but these lesser horsemen can reek just as much damage on a relationship as the big ones do on a whole society.

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Aggression
• Stonewalling

If these little devils are firmly entrenched in your relationship then you haven’t got a hope of having a positive one, let alone a mature one.

How often do I hear people say: “I’m not being critical; I’m being honest!” “I’m not being aggressive; I’m just getting my point across!” “I’m only being funny; not contemptuous” “I’m not stonewalling; I'm just keeping the peace…”

Criticism is not ‘helpful’ or ‘being honest’, it is judgemental and disrespectful and makes your partner defensive and/or reduces their self-confidence.

Sarcasm is contempt; it is not humour. Contempt of any kind is hurtful. Eye rolling is infuriating and has never ever induced someone to be more open and loving.

If your partner feels you are being aggressive, you are being aggressive. It will cause them to respond with more aggression, or to submit to the aggressor’s point of view or run away from the discussion out of fear.

Stonewalling or withdrawing prevents any chance of positive movement. In some ways it’s the worst of the lot as at least with the others you’ve got something to work with. With stonewalling you have nothing to work with and everything hangs in limbo until the stonewaller decides to come to the party and share their feelings and thoughts - assuming they ever do, some couples live in stonewalled distance for years or decades, for many couples this is “normality”.

These four horsemen can appear in the smallest of ways and can become insidious in a relationship, until they appear normal. If your family of origin used these forms of communication, they’ll seem even more normal to you:

• If there was a lot of aggression in your family as a child, you might feel that a level of aggression is normal and acceptable; you might not even consider it aggressive.

• If you came from a family where sarcasm was considered witty, you’ll probably carry that forward into future relationships.

• If there was constant criticism coming from one or both of your parents, or criticism between them, you might unconsciously be harsh and critical to your partner, without even realising it.

• And if you came from a family where people deliberately withheld their feelings, then you’re likely to grow up feeling that it’s perfectly acceptable not to engage in important conversations.

Communication is such an important part of relationships that it’s vital you analyse your communication style, as an individual and as a couple, and work to improve it. Removing the four horsemen is an important part of this.

It’s absolutely vital if you want to have a good sex life, so that you can freely and safely express whatever you need to and move forward creatively and cooperatively.

John Gottman, noted American couples therapist, has some wonderful ideas around good communication. One I particularly like is the concept that you have to share before you can fix.

What this means is that when you have something you need to discuss or resolve, it’s important that the two of you take the time to share how you feel about the situation before you try finding ways of solving the situation.

You need to speak about your feelings until you each feel heard. You’ll know when you’ve reached that point because there will be a shift in the energy between you, you’ll feel a coming together, a sense of connection and being in sync.

Once you have that feeling, then, and only then, do you start to look at options and explore ways of dealing with the issue.

If you go into the fixing before you’ve done the sharing of feelings, then one or both of you will feel frustrated at not being heard. That frustration can manifest as anger or giving up, neither of which are useful emotions to have when trying to resolve something and move forward.

It can be with the best of intention that you go into fixing mode too early. When one hears the other’s problem, they quite probably feel that to help their partner they need to find solutions. But no, not only do you have to allow your partner to express how they feel about the situation, you also need to express how you feel about that situation.

Sometimes people feel that they shouldn’t express their feelings, that they should be logical and go straight into solution mode. But without the feeling behind it, there isn’t the full raft of information at hand, so you’re shortchanging yourself. You’re also likely to miss what’s most important (which might even be that no solution is needed, simply expressing is enough).

I’ve written elsewhere about how you need to sink in to sync infor good sex. It applies to all aspects of intimacy, including communicating. It you want quality communication, which is an element of good quality on-going sex, then you also need to sink in to sync in. The sinking in is expressing how you feel and the syncing in is then working on a solution.

Taking a break together is always a good thing to do, helping you relax and rejuvenate and hopefully have some quality sexy time away from the stresses of everyday life. So why would you add a couples retreat to your time away? What are the benefits to you of going to one of my LoveLife Couples Retreats?

Well, where do I start?! Feeling the love and connection in the group and seeing the couples blossom is an experience that’s hard to put into words.
But I’ll try...

1. Learn the Tantric approach to sex, its physiological basis, and why it’s so important for modern lovers.
I love the way science is reaffirming ancient wisdom in so many ways, particularly when it comes to sex. The Tantric approach is essentially good sex - connected, erotic, intimate. It’s about slowing down so that you’re in the chill zone, as good sex is not possible if you’re stressed; it’s about ‘syncing in to sink in’ as you can’t have good sex if you’re not connected; and it’s about being mindful, as you can’t have good sex if you’re not present to the experience.

In the retreats I explain the theory and present the practices in a way that is appropriate for contemporary couples. As so many participants say, it’s not ‘woo hoo’ or ‘fluffy’ and makes good practical sense that you can incorporate into ‘real’ life.

2. Learn how to keep your ‘Couple Bubble’ strong.
There are three entities in your relationship, each of you as individuals and you as a couple. When your ‘couple bubble’ is strong, your connection extends into your individuality and makes life connected and resilient. A strong Couple Bubble means really understanding your partner, and yourself, so that you connect and communicate in a way that works for your partner as much as yourself. Essentially you become experts on each other.
In the LoveLife Couples Retreat you’ll learn all sorts of fascinating things about yourselves - your attachment styles, your love languages, what stage of relationship growth you’re in (symbiosis/fusion - differentiation - couple bubble); and you’ll learn how to use this understanding to connect and communicate.

3. Learn how to talk about sex, to develop an erotic language together.
One of the key elements of the retreats is that you’ll learn how to actually talk about sex. This means learning how to have open, supportive communication general, and particularly in regard to sex. People often tell me I give them a language to talk about sex, and in the immersive experience of a retreat you’ll certainly discover how you can talk about sex in an open, creative, inspiring, erotic and non-sleazy way! It’s kind of like making sex a mutual hobby.

4. Learn how to merge your sex and love energy so that you keep yourselves ‘simmering’.
I believe that one of the most powerful elements of the approach I teach is that you merge the love and sex energies - which is one of the reasons that it is good for long-term lovers as it’s not just about lust. Once you get this, you can constantly share this energy between you. You’ll find yourselves sending each other little quanta of this delicious energy all through the day, keeping your couple bubble strong and keeping the two of you ‘simmering’ so it’s easier to move into love-making.

5. Learn how to explore the ecstasy of the ‘valleys' as well as the intensity of the ‘peaks' of sex.
While vigorous sex, what we can call the ‘peaks’ of sex, has its appeal, it’s in the valleys of sex that you find real ecstasy. In the retreats you have time to really explore how to relax your genitals and get very present in them so that you can have extraordinarily beautiful sexual experiences. You’ll discover the many and varied ways of being orgasmic and how to lengthen and sustain erotic and sexual connection (as well as how to have a Tantric quickie!)

6. Learn ways to pleasure each other for heightened erotic arousal.
We explore what I call the yin and yang of sex - exploring the concepts of giving and receiving, leading and following, intensity and subtlety. You’ll learn about the Seven Elements of Sex, elements of your sexual being. By tapping into these elements you can become integrated within your individual and partnered sexuality and explore your eroticism. And you'll learn the Seven Flavours of Sex, the different styles of eroticism, different sexual tastes or flavours.

7. Develop an approach to sex that is endlessly creative and satisfying!

That’s what it’s really about! When you can keep your connection strong, communicate openly and explore together, you’ll find that your love-life thrives. The retreat is a start, or part of an on-going journey of life and love together.

Couples of all ages and stages of life and relationship come along to the retreats. Some are healing their relationship, some are starting a relationship, others have a great relationship and that’s in part because they do cool things together like this retreat! What they definitely have in common is a love for each other and a commitment to co-creating a meaningful sex life that strengthens and enhances their love and their life.

I’m not aware of any other couples retreats in the world that combine the relational, the sexual and the spiritual in such a grounded, practical and inspiring way.

So, will I see you and your beloved at one soon…?

We have such huge expectations of our relationships and our partners these days: we expect him or her to be best friend, untiring provider, attentive helpmate, sympathetic counsellor, sexy lover, perfect co-parent, handyperson, master chef, fashion advisor, etc.

Then when they’re not, we’re disappointed.

How realistic is this expectation though? Completely not!

Yes, it is true that the best relationships are a combination of being friends, lovers and teammates. But best and only friend? Sharer of identical interests and dreams? Able to fill your every need from financial to co-parental to sexual?

Give them, and yourself, a break! None of us can be all that.

Your partner can’t be everything to you and you can’t expect them to be.

Nor can you expect your partner to feel that you are everything to them.

Be the best you can be and help your partner to be the best he or she can be, with love and respect and reality.

As the old saying goes: God, give me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I confess, I do sometimes look at my bookings of the day and see certain client names with some dread…

One such young couple were clients once. Newly married, he was struggling with an ‘incident’ she’d been involved in a little while before and they were not coping at all well. Nastiness, accusations, resentments, passive aggression, verbal aggression … Let’s just say that they weren’t being very nice to each other. And there was definitely no sex happening.

A few sessions on, I looked at my client list one day and saw them as the final clients for the day. The bell rang, with some trepidation I answered it, and lo and behold, there were two young people looking radiant with big smiles on their faces!

“So, what’s going on?” I asked with curiosity.

He looked over to her with a grin, she looked up at me with a grin, “Well,” she said, almost guiltily it seemed, “we’re being nice to each other.”

“Wow, radical concept!” I commented light-heartedly, “and the result?”

“We’re getting on so much better!”

“Sex?”

“Four times in the last two weeks!!” she replied with a huge smile.

As the conversation unfolded, they described how after their last session they’d decided to take on board what I was saying, and really try to be nice to each other - considerate, thoughtful, loving, caring. They said it felt awkward at first, somewhat forced, but got easier the more they did it. It was the same with sex; it was awkward at first, but got easier each time.

I asked him how he was feeling about the ‘incident’ and he quite perkily responded that he felt quite fine, the resentment and bitter feelings had evaporated and the whole thing seemed unimportant. He realised that it was still part of their history and he might be triggered at some point, but that it was no longer the huge all-encompassing thing it had been. His wife, naturally, was hugely relieved that he had come to peace with it.

By being nice to each other they were not only enjoying themselves more, they were building resilience in their relationship, so that the (inevitable) hurts and frustrations were less important and they could let those go and focus on the good stuff - their love and happiness being with each other.

And of course - wonderful sex!

The clients and retreat participants I see tend to be pretty together type of people with a mature attitude to life and relating. So, I don’t get too many couples who want to stay flat-lining or locked in conflict. They want to grow and develop as individuals and as a couple and have the best life they can.
 
 There are three ways of having a long-term relationship, or four, as the second type manifests in two ways which might appear to be diametrically opposed but are actually versions of the same dynamic: 

1) Flat-lining 
 
This is when a couple play it safe. Too afraid to upset the other or too needy of validation from their partner, neither of them is game to be truly honest. Over time these relationships tend to become more and more limited, and the couple grow ‘old’. Sometimes there is a power dynamic here, such as in the traditional patriarchal structure where the man had the power and the woman had to acquiesce. The key indicator here is that they want it to be ‘easy’ and ‘not rock the boat’. 
 
2) Deadlock 
 
These couples know they’re not happy and blame the other for it. This manifests in two ways: one is where they are in constant conflict, always bickering, with lots of nastiness; the other is where they stonewall and don’t relate at all or only superficially. The latter version can look like flat-lining, but the difference is the hostility and blame behind the behaviour. In both cases, the relationship at best stagnates and at worse degenerates into either ongoing misery if they stay together, or on-going blame and hatred if they separate. The key indicator here is the unhappiness and blame. 
 
3) High-maintenance - the 'Couple Bubble' 
 
 These couples know that ‘happy ever after’ is not inevitable but takes work; and they see their relationship as a vehicle for growth and development. They work together as a team through the ups and downs of life, embracing their differences, challenging each other, supporting each other, and always being absolutely honest - radically honest.
 
 This third type of relationship is a high-quality relationship, and it’s also a high-maintenance relationship. Not in the sense of the ‘precious princess’ type of relationship where one is selfishly demanding with a high level of entitlement and narcissistic tendencies, but one where each person expects the best of themselves and their partner and is committed to enabling that best to evolve.
 
The key to a high-quality relationship is honesty and openness. 
 
 Yet to be able to have this level of honesty, you both need to be able to deal with the inevitable emotions that come with honesty - guilt, vulnerability, fear, jealousy...
 
 You have to own these feelings, acknowledge them. It’s essential that you don’t avoid or suppress the feelings. It’s equally as important that you don't blame the other for these feelings (or you’re in deadlock) and definitely do not pull back from your partner for fear of these emotions (or you’re flat-lining).
 
 To be this aware and this open requires each of you to have a high level of self-awareness, and high-level communication skills. This isn't easy, these are skills and qualities that have to be developed, they don't come 'naturally'. Having a high-level relationship takes dedication and focus.
 
That might sound daunting, but it's actually wonderfully empowering to be able to relate with compassion and empathy, assuming the best of your partner and always seeking to understand and grow.
 
 This way you co-create a 'Couple Bubble' where your relationship supports and nurtures you, so that the challenges of life become more bearable because you share them together, and the joys of life become more joyful because you share them together.