The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!

#9: What To Do When He Can't Come

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, May 11, 2010

We often hear about women having trouble with orgasms, and generally with men it’s thought that they have the opposite problem, that they come too quickly. So when a man has trouble coming, or can’t come at all, he might feel that there’s something wrong with him. He can feel very alone.

But it’s actually very common for men not to come. It’s called Retarded or Delayed Ejaculation, and most men will encounter it at least sporadically in their lives. If it’s happening repeatedly though, it can be a problem. Particularly if the woman thinks it’s because he’s not attracted to her, or if they want to conceive.

The cause is generally stress-related and the situation gets worse when it causes Performance Anxiety, which exacerbates the inability to come in some men, and in other men can lead to losing erection or even coming too quickly. To make matters worse, if there’s additional anxiety caused by the partner’s negative response, then that creates a negative feedback loop, and the man ends up with anxiety about having Performance anxiety - Performance Anxiety Anxiety!

Not a good thing.

The thing is though, sex is not about orgasm. Too many people think that sex... read more

#8: Sex is the Base of Being Human

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Yesterday I had a wonderful meeting with a wise person. It was one of those meetings where two hours pass in a flash of enthralled conversation. I was sharing my views on sex and life and he listened in rapt attention, so pleased to have found someone who ‘gets it’. As a spiritual seeker himself, he said that he had looked for someone who understood what sex was really about, to no avail.

There are your sexpots, promoting a raunchy and generally superficial approach to sex; there are your spiritual hippie types who might get it but seemed removed from modern reality; and there... read more

#7: Grow Up and Open Up Australia

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I opened up the morning’s paper to see yet another political ‘scandal’. In this case the parliamentary Minister was caught going to a gay sex club. In disgrace the Minister steps down, his professional and private life in ruins as his despicable behaviour is plastered across the front pages of the country’s newspapers.

His heinous sin? Liking to watch men have sex. Possibly even liking to have sex with men.

Gosh, he couldn’t possibly function in his role as a politician with this dreadful tendency...

Now, I might be a little biased here, because my life is devoted to helping people have a happy and fulfilling sex life. I’ve spent thousands of hours talking to people about their sex lives, so I am well aware of people’s broad range of tastes and interests. Just like food really. Some like simple food, others are gourmets, some like to try new and exotic foods and some prefer good old fashioned meat and three vegetables.

In working with people, one of the main issues is helping people know and understand their interests, and helping couples reconcile differing levels and types of interests.

Given that our society is still so pre-pubescent in it’s... read more

#6: How To Consume An Ice-Cream - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 2

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, March 19, 2010

Have you been practicing eating a peach? Savouring its juicy lushness…?

Have you found within you the ability to lose yourself in that peach, to taste, suck, lick and devour it with full sensory awareness and heightened arousal?

Well, hold that space and let’s take that a step further. We’re going to add some technique and look at how to consume an ice-cream.

(If you haven’t read my post on how to eat a peach, go back and read that first, you want to be in that space before continuing.)

The thing about enjoying a peach in that way is that it is all about you receiving the pleasure and sensation of the peach. This is what making love with someone should be like. Rather than focusing on what you’re doing to them, simply allow yourself to lose yourself in the pleasure you are receiving from being with them.

It’s pretty easy to do with a peach. You feel no obligation to the peach, you don’t care how the peach feels about you consuming it. It’s trickier to do with a person, most of us are concerned about how the other person is feeling about what we’re doing to or with them.

Strangely enough... read more

#5: How To Eat A Peach - Lose Yourself in Pleasure Pt 1

Jacqueline Hellyer - Friday, March 12, 2010

Sensuality is without a doubt a key element to great sex. Sensuality, intimacy, surrender, eroticism – all essential elements that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the genitals.

We have five senses which can constantly bring us delectable, luscious sensuous experiences. If we’re open to them.

Once we are, we can bring that awareness into our love-making – and make magic.

Let’s practice. Choose a peach, or any other other suitably juicy fruit such as a mango.

Pick up the fruit.-

First, look at it….then listen to it…..then smell it….touch it against your skin, cheek, forearm…then bite into it and taste it.

Really taste it.

Then bite again:

- feeling the peach flesh give as you bite down into it,

- feeling the juices release into your mouth,

- hearing the sound of the flesh give way,

- smelling the scent of the peach beneath your nose,

- tasting the sweet flavor of the peach consuming your mouth,

- seeing the pinkish orange of the raw... read more

#4: Love in the Time of Chaos

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, February 25, 2010

There’s a great article I wrote for Men’s Health Magazine on Sex for Busy People.

I’m going to summarise it here, and if you want to read more download it here. Or buy my book“Sex Secrets for Busy People" from my bookshop and get the whole low-down!

Demands from the boss all day, pressures to achieve deadlines, squeeze in the gym, race home, deal with the kids, deal with the wife’s issues, check in on the internet, veg out for a TV show (if you’re lucky) , yeah yeah, help get the house ready for tomorrow, hope for a shag, into bed, roll over – and your wife’s asleep (or pretending).

Not a pretty scenario, not one that will lead to fantastic sex. What to do?

Follow these five steps to sex in the time of chaos:


1. Forget spontaneity!

This has got to be the biggest myth out there about sex, that it’s got to be spontaneous to be good. That’s like saying the best footy game or the best meal or the best party comes spontaneously! No. Everything good in life takes planning, focus and... read more

#3: Become a Black Belt in the Bedroom!

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, February 18, 2010

Why a “Black Belt” in the Bedroom?

I'm about to launch seminars for men called Black Belt in the Bedroom. Obviously the title is catchy (what man wouldn’t want to be a black belt in the bedroom?) and that’s why I’m using it, but commercial cynicism aside, there are very good reasons why I’m chosen the term “black belt”.

For a start, I am a black belt in aikido, a second level black belt in fact (about to go third level when I decided to have babies instead). I’ve also studied judo and various kung-fu styles plus done workshops on many other styles of martial arts. It’s effectively where I got my energetic training, which I now apply to sexual relations and which has the same basis as the Tantric and Taoist approaches to sexuality.

To some people the concept of a martial artist is of an aggressive violent fighter. However, it’s completely the opposite. A true warrior is not some psychomaniac, think more of the American Indian brave, the knight of old, the samurai, Mel Gibson in Braveheart… A top martial artist is completely in control, centred and flowing with the energy of the encounter. Just what sex should be. He’s not in... read more

#2: Partnered Yoga - Erotic Connection

Jacqueline Hellyer - Thursday, January 28, 2010

 Photo by theformfitness from Pexels

I had the most unexpectedly delightful experience earlier this week, I attended a two-day Partnered Yoga training course. I’d only heard about it a couple of days before and thought “Yes, this would be so relevant to my work!” So after managing to sort out the kids (still being school holidays) I found myself on Monday morning literally entwined with the course participants on the yoga floor.

I’ve done yoga ever since I was a kid, and I love it. It’s great for getting in tune with your body, for keeping it lithe and flexible and for stilling the mind and achieving deep relaxation. Brilliant stuff. However, because it is a solitary activity I’ve always found it a little unsatisfying because there is no interaction.

I also trained and taught martial arts for years, particularly Aikido. That I found deeply satisfying because there is so much interaction with others. It is absolutely essential that you open yourself to feeling and receiving your partner’s energy so that you can use and move with it. It was brilliant training for applying to sexual situations, and forms the basis of my energetic abilities in all spheres of life and the work I do with people.... read more

#1: The birth of my Blog - with some underlying philosophical ramblings

Jacqueline Hellyer - Tuesday, January 05, 2010

I do believe there is a shift in society lately, whereby people are looking for something more meaningful in sex. Our sexuality is so fundamental to being human, and our society is so infantile when it comes to understanding and practising sex, that for a growing number of people there is a deep longing for sexual expression and experience that is richer and fulfilling.

To get there, we need to approach sex with a great deal more respect, with a great deal more intent and a great deal more commitment. We need to deepen connection and heighten eroticism, we need to feel comfortable enough to really open up and surrender to the experience - in whatever form of sex that might be. It's not all serious though! Great sex requires lightness and play, that's what leads to freedom.

Our bodies are exquisitely designed for sexual pleasure, our hearts and minds are capable of extraordinary sexual pleasure, and our souls yearn for that pleasure, as it gives us freedom, meaning and joy.

Was that poetic? I hope so, I want to put the poetry back into sex.  Not that I'm ignoring the raunch, I love a good bit of raunch, but there's enough... read more

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