There are so many different ways to eat – all the way from a quick snack through to a fancy multi-course dinner. It’s the same with sex, which is why I use so many food analogies when I’m talking about sex.
I was doing this with a couple of clients recently. They’re a really fun-loving couple, upbeat and lively in most parts of life – but not the bedroom. Instead of the lightness that was in the rest of their connection, bedroom matters had become heavy and hard, and pretty non-existent. After several sessions of helping them identify and share their feelings and desires around sex, with loads of food analogies along the way, they came in to session with big smiles on their faces.
“We had sex three times!” the wife exclaimed. “We had roast dinner…” “And some cheese on toast…” added the husband, “And even an open sandwich!” finished the wife.
The LoveLife Blog: guidance on mindful, bodyful, soulful loving!
A couple came to me this week for their three-month check-in after seeing me regularly early in the year. With big smiles and loving glances at each other they said that one of the big changes for them was that they have instigated a monthly Date Day.
I am a big advocate of couples spending quality time together. Without it you lose connection, start feeling like house-mates rather than lovers, and sex becomes either a non-event or a Big Issue. I’ve written elsewhere about finding that connection in small ways throughout the day, and having chats together in the evenings. Those small connections are your ‘relationship vitamins’. But that alone is rarely enough, you need some longer, more interesting times together, so date nights are a great idea.
But…sometimes getting out in the evening can feel like more effort than it’s worth, particularly if you’ve got young children. You’re tired! So going out at the end of a long day (and week) can just add to the exhaustion (not to mention the expectation of having sex when you get home and by the time you’ve paid the babysitter and checked on the kids and got undressed and into bed…zzzz….)
My teenage son came to me the other day and proudly declared that out of all his mates, he’s the only one who has made love.
Once I got over the initial shock of him being so open with me – even though all three of my children are really open about their sexuality, since I’ve brought them up that way, it still surprises me as I could never have been that open with my parents – I asked him if he meant that his friends haven’t had sex yet.
“No, Mum,” he clarified “they’re having sex, but it’s just that boring teenage sex. Me and Kate, we really make love.” He had a big satisfied smile on his face.
“So, what’s the difference between regular sex and love-making?” I asked.
Take a group of couples who love each other, put them in a beautiful environment with no distractions, teach them to connect more deeply, inspire them to explore and play, and what do you get…?
Well, as one man who attended one of my couples retreats put it:
"I thought this retreat would expand our sex life, but it didn’t so much expand as turn our sex life upside down! I’m now seeing the world with a new, exciting, slightly bewildering light.”
It’s hard to explain that to someone before they’ve experienced it. “What do you do?” people ask me. My answer could indeed be: “I turn people’s sex lives upside down.”
In the retreats I teach centredness, presence and mindfulness as the basis, then from there we explore the concepts of connection, energy and sensation - and voila! The combination opens people up to experiences that are so much more than the... read more
Adult shops these days can be classy, tasteful, staffed by friendly well-informed assistants, full of a huge range of products to titillate and pleasure. They’re great.
But you know what? You can find a whole heap of stuff in your own home that you can bring into the bedroom to augment your love play.
Come, let’s look around your house to see what goodies we can find…
In the KitchenLet’s start in the kitchen.
You can find some great implements for sensation play here. What can you see that you could run over your partner’s skin? Forks are fabulous. Other pronged implements such as a spaghetti ladle, skewers, (blunt) knives. Experiment with the sharpness, it can be quite delightful (or not, in which case don’t). Or something smooth perhaps? Try the back of spoons of different sizes, ladle or teaspoon. Warm them up in hot water to add the element of heat for some temperature play.*
On the subject of temperature play, you can’t go past ice for thrilling sensation - run it over your partner’s skin, hold it in particularly sensitive spots, make your mouth cold with it then lick, kiss or suck various parts of your partner’s body. (Random tip, run an... read more
How do you describe the act of intercourse? Do you call it ‘penetrative sex’? If you do, which wouldn’t be surprising as it’s such a common term, have you ever thought about what the word actually means and symbolises?
Penetration means ‘breaking through resistance’. Which might have applied to sex in the bad old days when a wife was supposed to just submit to her husband whether she wanted to or not, so it may well have been an act of breaking through resistance. But now, in 2020, do we really want to think of sex as an aggressive act?
Worse still, the term ‘penetrative sex’ gives agency to the ‘penetrator’ - the man - who does it to a resistant, or at least passive, recipient – the woman.
Is this really the concept of intercourse we want to be perpetrating these days – that it’s something done to a woman by a man? Of course not, yet we still use the term.
Seriously. Yes, you read that correctly: guys, take your penis for a walk. No not on a leash (unless you’re a bit kinky!)
What do I mean by that rather absurd suggestion? I mean, get connected with your penis.
It sounds strange, but the more you do this, the more connected you will become with your penis. Rather than it being an out of control creature with a mind of its own, it will become your partner in pleasure. You’ll be a team.... read more
After a couple of really full and busy years, I had hoped 2020 would be slower-paced, but I wasn’t expecting it to be like this! With the bushfires at the start of the year there was no annual beach holiday to refresh and recuperate, so I thought a ‘stay-cation’ would be good as I could potter at home and get the house and garden looking good (when it wasn’t too smoky to go outside that is). And…I’m still pottering at home. The house and garden are looking amazing! I am fortunate than I can still get out of the house go to my clinic to see clients, mostly online.
It is interesting to see how clients are reacting to the pandemic restrictions. There are couples who are finding that spending more time together is solving their problems as what they mostly needed was more downtime together. Others are finding the forced time together is highlighting and exacerbating existing problems, bringing their troubles to the fore and forcing them to address them. Some single clients are withdrawing from the world while others are reaching out and finding that the longer ‘dating’ required at this time means they are forming better quality connections.
For me, at the start of the pandemic,... read more
Our five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are wonderful tools to explore sensuality and eroticism. By suppressing or enhancing the senses you can create and experience all kinds of enchanting pleasures.
Here are some suggestions to inspire you in your own sensual adventures:
Try doing it blindfolded, or with the receiver's hands tied for a different effect (of course with their agreement!) Blocking out the main sense of sight can heighten the other senses, as can being restrained in some way (keeping in mind that not everyone is comfortable with restraint).
Feed your partner: have a selection of unknown items that they can’t see, make them all delicious, or mix them up (gerkins and chocolate!); feed your partner chocolate mousse or rice pudding. Or blindfold both of you and try feeding each other (messy, but fun!)
Arouse the olfactory:... read more
Answer: Imagine if there was something your wife wanted you to do, but you found the thought of it excruciatingly embarrassing. Let’s
say she wanted you to do a striptease for her, yet you’d rather swallow broken glass than prance around in front of her removing your clothes. (If you
actually think that’s a hot idea the analogy won’t work for you, but I’m sure you get my drift.) The essence of what I am saying here is that it’s very
hard to do something sexual if you find it embarrassing. In fact, it’s hard to engage in anything sexual if you don’t find it a turn on.
From my column in Body+Soul
Question: "My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have a great sex life and we tell each other everything - so why won't she masturbate in front of me? I think that it's hot and would bring us closer together, but she says it's embarrassing. I want to do it in front of her as well but she thinks it's too private. How can she think this when we've lived together for more than 10 years? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just give up or keep trying?"
You... read more
- #340: What Comes Before Consent
- #339: More than Sex-Positive, We Need to be Sex-Comfortable
- #338: Get Off the Hedonistic Treadmill!
- #337: You Can't Search for Love. It's Already There. You Can Only Remove the Barriers to Let It In
- #336: How to Communicate Complaints Effectively
- #335: Nurture Your Soul with Sex
- #334: How to Express Your Emotions Without Being "Emotional"
- #333: Q&A: We're Time Poor - How Do We Add Some Zing?
- #332: Be Conscious Not Complacent
- #331: It's OK to Disappoint Your Partner
- #330: Moans & Groans – why sound is good in sex and how to make more
- #329: Gateways to the Erotic Shift
- #328: Safety is Sexy
- #327: Pace Your Sexual Interactions
- #326: Fly on the Wall Friday - my new Video Series
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