1 May 2019

Today I am 55 years of age. It feels somehow special. I feel I’ve ‘arrived’ at a new stage somehow. I didn’t feel this when I turned 50, although that was significant too. Fifty-five feels strong, wise, powerful.

I woke up with the phrase 'Own the Crone' going through my mind.

It comes from the three classical stages of woman: maiden, mother and crone.

It’s the ‘maiden’, the young woman, who has been considered the most desirable, the most sexual in our society. We glorify youth, the beauty, the vibrancy of the young. That’s what’s considered sexually desirable.

The ‘mother’ phase of a woman’s life, well, this has been when she's considered the most ‘useful’ – as long as she had children of course, god forbid if she didn’t and remained a ‘spinster’. But was she sexual? Ah, no.

And as for the crone, that dried up older woman. What use was she? She’s past it, a post-menopausal has-been.

Hardly! I’ve never felt more confident, more capable, healthier or more sexually juiced up in my life! So, I’m coming out loud and proud about my age to be a beacon of inspiration for women of all ages.

I know I’ve reached this stage so hale and hearty of mind, body and soul because I’ve attended to all aspects of my being through all stages of my life. I’ve treated my body as a temple, got in touch with my emotions, developed my intellect and cultivated my spirituality. I’ve pursued purposeful work, had meaningful relationships and connected with nature. It has been an holistic, integrated approach to life.

And I’ve always sensed the importance of a quality sex life as part of that. Over the years my sexuality has changed, depending on whatever was going on in life. When I was young it was more straightforward and physical. When I had young children, it was simpler and more tender. As I grew older and more adventurous, I explored all types of more ‘exotic’ sexual experiences. And in more recent years it has evolved into experiences of the most beautiful depth and richness, experiences of extraordinary mindful, bodyful, soulfulness.

I do believe that when the Eastern traditions say that our sexual energy is transmuted into our life energy, they are right. Keeping our sexual energy flowing keeps our life energy flowing. Sexual energy is a pro-creative energy. Not just for creating new life in the form of children, but for creating our own life and everything in it, keeping us vibrant and creatively engaged with life.

No ‘anti-aging’ products or cosmetic surgery for me. I’m owning the crone!

For centuries we had the Madonna - Whore polarity, good girl versus bad girl: bad girls put out, good girls are virtuous. You fuck the whore but not your pure, chaste wife. Female sexuality was only there to serve men's sexuality: the good girls provided offspring and the bad girls provided pleasure - and never the twain would meet.

Then that ridiculous notion changed with the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 70’s. Finally we believed that sex was good and we should like sex - hip hip hooray, sexual freedom and liberation for all!!!

But has it really changed?

I think that to a large extent we simply replaced the good girl versus bad girl split with the Porn Star versus Prude. That sexual freedom only translated into the freedom to act like a porn star: do me big boy, yeah yeah - or…nothing, zip. You’re the Prude.

Too many people think that sexual freedom means acting like a porn star, doing things for free that a high-class escort would only do for serious money. Oral, anal, threesomes, moresomes. you name it, they do it, because they’re oh so cool and sexually free. (Mind you, they often have to be drugged up or drunk to do it…) Until they come to see me some years later, shamed, disgusted, hating sex - and buying into the old model that women don’t like sex.

They become 'prudes'. Now, there’s no problem with any kind of sexual activity, tame or extreme, as long as it’s real. If anal fisting is your thing, fantastic, fist away. If it’s not, don’t do it. Simple.

Liberation is supposed to be about the freedom to be yourself, not confirm to externally imposed rules or authority. It’s not trading one dysfunctional model for another.

The sexually frustrated and compromised women who fought for sexual freedom weren’t fighting for their daughters and grand-daughters to become unpaid whores.

We need another round of sexual liberation for women, one that provides real choice, a real ability to tap into a woman’s true sexuality and be real about her expression - then, and only then will women be free.

Until women are truly sexually free, men won’t be. We all need sexual re-liberation.

The standard approach to sex is rather like a three-course meal, it proceeds in set stages: you kiss a bit, fondle a bit (maybe give her an orgasm), then have vigorous intercourse until he comes. The End.

It’s not a bad model for sex, but it’s limited, and can get pretty boring over time.

I suggest you take a less lineal approach to sex and think of it less like a three-course meal and more like a picnic. At a picnic everything is available in front of you, and you can pick and choose whatever you want, in whatever quantity, at whatever pace, and in whatever order you please.

So, at a picnic you can have dips-quiche-pavlova if you like, but you don’t have to. You can just have dips, you can go straight to the pavlova, you can go quiche-dips-dips-quiche-pavlova-quiche-dips-pavlova. You don’t even have to eat - you can just sit and drink champagne, you’re still having a picnic.

It’s the same with sex: you can do whatever you like, in whatever order you like, at whatever pace you like, in whatever quantities you like. You can intersperse bouts of intercourse with bouts of oral or other genital stimulation. You can stop and have a cup of tea and chat before resuming; you can get up and have a dance; you can read some erotica to each other; you don’t have to have intercourse; you don’t have to have an orgasm; you can stay in orgasmic states; you don’t have to stop when he comes - he doesn’t even have to come.

In this way your lovemaking ebbs and flows, with peaks and valleys. You get into a gorgeous flow of experience. There may be orgasms or there might not, it doesn’t matter, it’s not about orgasm it’s about sharing pleasure. You may find yourselves in states of extraordinarily high arousal, better than orgasm, you may even find yourselves in altered states of consciousness.

You both let go into the experience. One may naturally be the leader, more commanding, and the other more receptive, more yielding - if that’s how your eroticism works. Or you might flow from one approach to the other seamlessly if that’s how it goes for you.

There is no ‘right’ way or ‘wrong’ way of making love in this model. It’s simply whatever evolves for that couple at that point in time.

With this approach the age or physical capability of the couple doesn’t matter. All you need is the ability to connect and flow with the moment.

For modern couples - more used to sex as being a process and a performance - this is a radically different approach. It might feel weird at first, but over time you’ll get better and better at letting yourselves go and proceeding in any way that feels just right, for you.

Can you makeover your sex life?

Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.

Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.

In fact, I think a sexual makeover is essential to any other life makeover. We are essentially sexual creatures, our sexuality is fundamental to our being, and therefore to our well-being. So if you’re considering a lifestyle makeover, you’ve got to include sex.

Sometimes people say to me that they’ll fix the other “stuff” before they address sex.

I say, no, Sex is at the base of all life! So start at the base!

Start transforming your sexuality and you’ll start transforming your life.

This is one of the things I love about sex. Once you really start looking at your sexuality and working on your sex life, everything changes. It can’t help but change. It’s potent stuff.

So how do you go about a sexual makeover?

As with any makeover:

1. Acknowledge that you need to do it.
2. Believe that it’s possible.
3. Clarify your desired outcome.
4. Get the advice or support or inspiration that you need.
5. Do it!

It’s up to you to take the first step.

From then on other people can help you.

So much of what I do is dispelling the myths around sex that hold us back. Anyone can improve their sex life if they choose to. If I can do anything for you at all, I can help you believe that improvement is possible.

Most people have no idea of our human sexual potential. There’s so little information around about what sex is, why it exists, how it helps us, how it can manifest. Most of the West still seems to be milling around primary school level, when there’s veritable post-graduate possibilities out there!

Clearly, I firmly believe in step four. Whether it’s private coaching and therapy, attending workshops and retreats, or reading and listening to books, blogs and podcasts there’s tons of advice, support and inspiration to be had. There’s an increasing amount of sex-positive information and services available these days.

Then once again, it’s up to you to take the fifth step. You can have all the guidance and support in the world - you’re the only one who can do it.

Transform your sex life - transform your life - transform the world!

Seriously, imagine if everyone in the world made over their sex life and was having great sex, how much happier would this planet be!

There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:

There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. 


That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud anymore, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.

You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our higher human side, along with creativity and art and music and all those attributes of being human that come from higher evolution and bigger brain and more complex and meaningful existence. And just as it's important to tap into and express ourselves in those other areas of humanity, it’s also vital that we tap into the authenticity of our sexual selves.

This level of authenticity is tricky in a society that is juvenile in its approach to sex – more giggle and snicker than expression and growth.

So, if you’re on this journey, if you want to grow and evolve sexually, you’ve got to get past all the myths and crap in society around sex. Get over the limiting beliefs and lack of permissions, toss out the “should”s and “shouldn’t”s. Get informed, get creative, and get transformed!

Again, this is tricky in a society that has so little real sex education and inspiring sexual information. So, in my own little way I start the ripples that will become waves that will help turn our society into one where sex has its rightful place and people feel and express the love.

Getting back to my opening line, I see in clinic, in workshops and retreats, people opening up to possibility and realness. It’s so good. I love my work. I’m a small drop calling for sexual expression and sexual authenticity in an ocean of sexual repression and sexual distortion, but every little bit counts. And what counts is you.

The change starts with you.

Ponder deeply on that, then start to express yourself freely. Feel the love; feel the ecstasy; live the pleasure.

Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.

These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.

These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance.

One: Self-awareness

It all starts with you - having a positive sense of self, centred, confident, balanced in your yin and yang elements. (Of course, we are never ‘perfect’, but without a reasonable level of self-awareness and balance it is not possible to be able to engage with a partner in a healthy manner.)

I call this your ‘Lady’and ‘Gentleman’ sides, someone who is confident, centred and self-aware.

Two: Discernment

Once you've got the hang of yourself, you need take that forward and 'meet' your partner - with equality, assessing for worthiness, identifying boundaries, co-creating safety so you can then explore with freedom.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Amazon’ and ‘The Warrior', someone who is respectful, discerning, relaxed yet alert.

Three: Lightness

Once you've got that connection it's time to play - and you're not going to be able to do that if you're too serious, too in your head, or too laden with negative emotions of shame or pressure!

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Bawd’ and The Merrymaker', someone who is light, playful, shame-less and creative.

Four: Compassion

This is where you open your heart and pay attention to your partner, becoming an

expert on her or him, to really know them. This element is other-focused.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Madonna’ and ‘The Lover', someone who is connected, compassionate, tender and attentive.

Five: Seduction

Once you’ve developed the ability to be other-focused, it's time to be self-focused, for the Art of Seduction is the art of getting someone to do what you want, for your mutual pleasure.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Seductress’ and ‘The Seducer', someone who is inviting, subtle, sensual, enticing.

Six: Virtuosity

Once you’re able to be simultaneously other-focused and self-focused, you can really start to master sex, to be able to lead and revel in your skill:

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Maestra’ and ‘The Maestro', someone who is skillful, commanding, responsible and honourable.

Seven: Letting Go

Once you can do it all, you can let it go! You can let go to your partner and/or to the experience. This is where you discover the transcendent, mystical, spiritual possibilities of sex.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Earth Gypsy’ and ‘The Transcender', someone who is open, vulnerable, porous, rapturous.

This is how we evolve in our sexuality. It’s not a hierarchy though, it’s actually a spiral, as the more we evolve through the levels, the more we come back to our Self, with each circuit of the spiral bringing a more aware evolved Self. It’s an unending spiral of growth and possibility!

To learn about this approach to growing sexuality, please register for my online course for men or online course for women (25% discount for both!) or come along to my Couples Retreats in Bali or Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains.

When you feel sexy, you are sexy.

Notice that I say when you feel sexy, not when you look sexy. You might also look sexy, but the important thing is that you feel sexy.

Just looking sexy is a superficial thing. You can try all you like with the latest fashions, gym workouts or even cosmetic surgery to look sexy. Until you feel sexy though, you won’t be sexy.

Those things can certainly help you feel sexy, no doubt about it. For many people, being in shape, wearing nice clothes, even a nip and tuck here and there can do a lot to make them feel good about themselves. Being healthy, being in shape, looking good, all contribute.

That’s not enough though. There are plenty of good-looking well-dressed people who somehow just aren’t particularly sexy (unless you think Ken and Barbie are sexy). And there are plenty of people who don’t look or dress the part of ‘sexy’ yet are really hot - or beguiling or enchanting or desirable in some indescribable way.

These people are being sexy. They’re not trying to be sexy they just are.

Truly sexy people don’t try hard, they simply be who they are. They make themselves feel good on the inside. They turn themselves on.

Anyone can do this, regardless of looks, age, size. Do the things that make you feel good (as long as they’re legal of course!) - really good. I don’t mean get drunk so you don’t have to face reality, I mean make your reality good: with positive attitudes and positive living, purpose and meaning, savouring life.

Do this and you will feel positive and happy, and you’ll project a great vibe and then the world will turn on to you!

One of the absolute keys to good sex is the ability to let go, to surrender to the experience.

I'm going to speak directly to female readers here, because I find that women have more trouble in this area. Yet it’s actually more important that the woman let go for the couple to be able to reach heightened states of arousal and pleasure.

Essentially what women need to do is allow for self-indulgence.

Now there are some ‘precious princesses’ out there who are all about self-indulgence: me, me, me. I'm not talking about them. I’m talking about all those women I see in my clinic and at workshops and in the street and in the school playground, etc, who can’t allow themselves to indulge. Especially sexually.

Sex as letting go, opening up, being real, requires self-indulgence. As a woman it requires you to open to the experience, to allow pleasure, wonder and ecstasy.

Yet so many women hold themselves back from experiencing this pleasure. So many women hold back from allowing themselves the indulgence of engaging and receiving pleasure.

Which is such a shame! Because the more a woman lets herself go in this way, the more pleasure there is for her, and therefore the more pleasure there is for her partner.

This is a completely different approach to the ‘sex as stress relief’ or ‘sex as performance’ or ‘sex as duty’ approaches to sex that are so common. This is ‘sex as letting go’, ‘sex as indulgence and heightened states of ecstasy’. This is truly good loving.

If as a woman you have trouble letting go to this extent, if you can’t allow yourself this indulgence, ask yourself why:

• Is it that you have blocks to pleasure?
• Is it that you have false beliefs about the purpose of sex?
• Are you buying into false beliefs about the roles of men and women in sex?
• Do you not really trust your partner enough?
• Do you not trust yourself enough?

If you do want to open up more to self-indulgence and allow for sexual pleasure, then please come and see me for private sessions, or attend my LoveLife Women's Retreat or do my women's online course.

We’ll get you indulging again. You deserve it!

Sex is one of the great forms of human self-expression. It's a place where creativity, physical movement, pleasure and joy can manifest, just like the other forms of human expression - music, art, design, dance, cooking, sport, writing.


But people don’t often see sex as self-expression. More often sex has so much attached to it that there is more suppression around it than expression.

Hindered by all the myths around sex in our society, caught up in our heads about what we should or shouldn’t be doing, about what’s right or wrong, confusion about expectations and obligations, sex often is more fraught with fearing than open to freeing.

Think about your own sex life: is there more expression or suppression? Would you describe it more as fearful or freeing? If it’s further down the negative end, what can you do to start shifting it to the positive?

• Is it shifts in your head? Do you need to change your way of thinking?

• Is it shifts in your heart? Do you need to change your way of relating?

• Is it shifts in your gut? Do you need to change your way of doing?

Do you have a vision of what a wonderful sex life would be like? Is this vision true to you and your values and your desires, or is it another ‘should’, based on what you think it should be rather than what is right for you?

Sex can, and should (yes, ‘should’, one of the rare occasions when it’s OK to say ‘should’) be a wonderful thing - for you. It can be simple and infrequent if that’s right for you (in fact you don’t have to have sex at all) or it can be your life’s work and passion (then you’d be a sex geek like me). The important thing is that it is life-enhancing, and that by engaging in sex you feel better for it, preferably at many different levels - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Express yourself!



If you need help moving from suppression to expression, book in for sex therapy at The LoveLife Clinic.

Mis-matched libidos, difference in desire, high and low sex drive, etc. These are very common terms used to describe a very common issue.

But what are we really talking about here?

What is libido, what is desire?

Firstly, it’s not a ‘thing’. Libido is not something you have or don’t have.

Secondly, desire is not arousal.

Often people say that one partner has a high libido, high desire, and the other partner has low libido, low desire. But when we get talking it often turns out that they are confusing desire with arousal.

Having fast arousal is not the same as having high desire, and having slow arousal is not the same as having low desire.

Quite often I find that the supposedly ‘low libido’ partner actually has quite high desire, they want and like sex, they’re just not feeling aroused. Yet.

And often the supposedly ‘high libido’ partner doesn’t really have ‘desire’ as such, they’re just horny, they’re aroused, but it’s more like an itch that needs scratching rather than a genuine desire for being with their partner.

So, you can have high desire but slow arousal; and you can have fast arousal but little desire.

Desire is a wanting, a moving towards. This can start in the head, with a thought that it would be good, and it can start in the heart, with a feeling of wanting to share something lovely with your beloved.

Arousal is a physical experience, it’s what’s happening in your body.

Libido is the interplay of desire and arousal.

Sometimes I see someone who has zest and life, clearly a strong libido, but they claim a low desire. Actually, they have strong desire they just have slow arousal. They’re thinking that because they’re not aroused in the moment that they don’t have desire.

And I can see someone who claims high desire, but they’re flat and disconnected from their partner. Actually they have fast arousal, they’re horny, but it’s just that itch that needs scratching. There’s not a lot of actual desire.

Of course, sometimes someone can have both low desire and low arousal, which could be due to stress, tiredness or illness, or because they’re not finding their partner desirable for whatever reason.

And of course, having desire and arousal at the same time is great.

The point is don’t assume that if you don’t have arousal that you don’t have desire.

And most importantly, both desire and arousal need to be cultivated.

Every couple is going to have differences in libido at different times, if not all the time. Understanding each person’s sexuality and exploring the interplay so that you keep yourselves ‘simmering’ is what makes for a good strong sex life.